"10,000 BC" aka "Apocalousy"

Posted on 07 Mar 2008 at 10:20am

steve-strait.jpgI admit it: The only reason I went to see “10,000 BC” (the “BC,” of course, stands for “Bad Cliches”) was because of the humpy caveman in the ads. Why else would any self-respecting gay man waste his time on a movie like this? Keep in mind, the studio has been promoting it as “from the director of ‘The Day After Tomorrow’” … as if that makes it seem more appealing instead of less.

Anyhoo, there was always the chance the film would surprise me by being better than I expected — and since my expectations were lower than sedimentary rock, that seemed possible.

Not. Gonna. Happen.

Yes, the lead, played by Steven Strait (please!) — and all the other men for that matter — have the odd physical trait of sporting 4-foot long dreaklocks, but otherwise are all hairless twinks. I didn’t realize depilatory existed in the neolithic epoch. Then there’s the scenery. I want to know what Realtor these cavemen used. They appear to live at the top of the Himalayas — snow-covered craggy peaks which, inexplicably, are also stomping grounds for wooly mammoths — but just two days’ walk gets them to verdant tropical rainforests where bamboo as thick as your wrist and 12-foot tall grasses are commonplace. (So are giant killer chickens, which I assume are called velostrich raptors.) Another few days on foot, and they’re at an arid desert (which also experiences torrential monsoons) before happening upon emormous pyramids, which can’t really be the Egyptian pyramids, but sort of are. (It’s pyramidiocy!) At the end, they acquire corn, an indigenously mesoamerican crop that magically appears along the Tibetan-Tropical-Saharan landscape they usually occupy (I kept looking for the penguins and wallabees, just to make sure they weren’t trying for a tour of all the continents). I’d love to know how corn grows on Mount Everest anyway.

Director Roland Emmerich at least has the good sense to remove clothing from his star as the movie goes on, just so we have some eye-candy to suckle on. So do it: Look at him. The picture’s there. And save your money.

— Arnold Wayne Jones

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