TONIGHT: E-list party promoter and NYC-based DJ Robert Maril (aka DJ Executive Realness) joins Queerty contributor Daniel Villarreal in taking this reality show down to new lows.
Every Monday night we get together for the orgy of feigned interest that is The A-List: New York. Having already explored the show's racial ineptitude (blacks = "the help") and political tone-deafness (ie. Yes Ann Coulter, we all are affluent, white, closet Republicans), we move onto the 3rd episode wondering why grown men would humiliate themselves on camera under the pretense of parlaying this gay witch abortion of a reality show into a career. Oh, that's right: the money (Buttvomits onto rainbow American flag).
But first a quick recap: You have missed nothing. Nothing at all.
OK, just kidding (but barely): Even though insatiable bottom Reichen just moved in with his subtitled piece of man-candy Rodiney, unrefined she-slut Austin still wants to pop it in Reichen's pooper and Derek the toxic tanorexic is all like "Nuh-uh, girl." Meanwhile, TJ, Ryan and Mike pretend to have lives. FIN.
BTW, as a punishment for making it to all the way to episode 3 of this show, here's a NSWF picture of Austin's butt. Now you can join the countless whordes who have seen it, but be careful — stare too long and you might catch optical chlamydia.
9:03 PM CST – The entire show revolves around whether or not Austin will fuck Reichen. The show starts with Austin taking his first limo ride to glamorous JFK airport. In which he kisses his on again off again "boyfriend of two years" Jake. TWO YEARS?!!!
Yeah, "boyfriend"… uh-huh. He probably picked him up in the airport bathroom. Jake is from Britain and like Rodiney LOGO has decided to subtitle him, but unlike Rodiney, Jake actually needs them. He and Ryan say "I love you" to each other during the car ride back, but what they probably meant was "I love you for traveling 8 hours just to have sex with me."
9:07 PM CST – At brunch (every show must have at least eight brunch scenes), Derek says that when he was Derek's age (17 years ago) he said a bunch of stupid things. Sadly he hasn't stopped. Ryan agrees to take Austin on as a pet project to teach him manners, kinda like Professor Higgins agreeing to take on Typhoid Mary. Ryan agree to do some "psychoanalyzation" and get back to them.
9:10 PM CST – Derek meets a matchmaker in New York City and NEWS FLASH Derek has not been in love in OVER A YEAR! That's hard to believe seeing as Derek considers himself so "young, hot, and successful." Derek's not a gold digger, but his lover must be professional from the Hamptons, and have Carrie Bradshaw's 5th Ave. apartment, complete with shoe room.
9:13 PM CST – A commercial shows a kid in a blasted elementary school speaking in a creepy "I just saw my parents get shot" voice. "Maybe the world gets broken so we can fix it. People think we don't have frontiers anymore. They don't realize that frontiers are all around us." Great sentiments, we think… until we realize it's a fucking jeans commercial.
9:15 PM CST – These commercials teach us gay values: charge cards, clothes, cellphones, and luxury cars, and PF Chang's. Fuck acceptance… WE WANT STUFF!
9:16 PM CST – Austin arrives at Ryan's house wearing a designer sunglasses and black leggings, to, you know, indicate that he's been "lifting." Ryan begins teaching Austin how to speak like a proper lady. But you can tell by the glimmer in Austin's eyes that he's only had gummy bears to eat for the last 3 days.
9:18 PM CST – Does everyone speak with a compulsive lisp on this goddamn show? The producers are like, "MORE LISP, BOIIIIS!" During their meeting Austin says, "Yes, I am with someone I have been with for a while. We have a great relationship." What he means is "we don't talk, we only fuck."
9:20 PM CST – Cut to more romantic times on a boat (see episode 1). Meanwhile, we maniacally search the screen for the queens we recognize in Fire Island. Austin and Jake go to buy a bathing suit and initially Ryan chooses a horrid purple brief that's so short that the censors have to blur out his pubes. Then they go to swim in a pool with a large blow up swan.
9:21 PM CST – They start drinking champagne in a hot tub which the surgeon General totally advises against (especially for gay people). It would be such a damn shame if Austin got woozy and slipped under and DROWNED. Totes sad.
9:22 PM CST – T.J. makes his first appearance this episode, wearing the required purple v-neck. He comes over with Austin to Reichen's shoebox apartment to make fun of EVER SINGLE THING HE OWNS. How DARE gay people not have a house from architectural digest. Apparently Reichen decorates like a straight man because he has a disgusting rug and home furnishing straight out of the Blair Witch Project. and Ryan accurately compares Reichen's apartment to his relationship like we did last week: "It doesn't make any damn sense."
9:28 PM CST – Yet again Austin puts on designer clothes to go "lift" before talking to Reichen. In the background of the street shot, they blur out a woman's face probably because she probably specifically requested not to be in this dreck. She was like, "WHAT show now? NO I do not consent."
9:30 PM CST – Mike Ruiz shows up for the first time in this episode for a total of five seconds when Rodiney goes in to apply to be a model. Rodiney says that he's 5'11", but he's more like 5'9"… or even 4'7". Are we sniffing glue or are they saying that Rodiney is not hot enough to be a model? Even after he gives half of gay America a boner by standing around in his ultra tight low-cut underwear.
9:33 PM CST – At the "lift date", Reichen thinks it's weird that Austin suddenly announces that he's been in a relationship with the random piece of London ass for the last year and a half. YEAR AND A HALF, Austin? What happened to "two years?" Austin explains that the only reason he told everyone about Reichen's cock is because trash-talking peoples' junk is always "good fun."
9:36 PM CST – Meanwhile, Derek shows up for a meeting with his match from the Millionaire matchmaker he hired earlier in the show. Derek says, " I hope I don't get a dud, a pedophile, or a creep." We hope he gets all three. It turns out that his date is his doppelganger, except with taller hair. He's like, "Perfect, because I am SO SICK of wiping off that mirror."
But… SURPRISE. He already went out with his twin about a decade and a half ago (in his 30s) and even though the guy's a handsome millionaire… Derek doesn't want to settle… for a handsome millionaire.
9:37 PM CST – Commercial inexplicably involving straight octagenarian travel enthusiasts.
9:39 PM CST – Finally Mike returns for a longer scene with Rodiney. Mike is wearing a shirt that reads "love muscle." Let's process this. Between the hair changes and vanity glasses he's basically in disguise in every shot. Rodiney admits how "hard" his relationship with Reichen is. If this was a porn, Mike and Rodiney would have fucked each other in this scene.
9:40 PM CST – In the eighth scene of brunch Jake sits back and he learns SHOCKER that Austin is a slut! Based on his accent, Austin's boyfriend Jake might either be Welsh, Scottish, northern English…let's draw straws. Jake surprises them by telling them that Austin and he are engaged. What's that, you say? But gays can't get married in New York yet? Oh good, then it's a FAKE engagement.
9:41 PM CST – Ryan cannot blink because of his numerous Botox injections. TJ says it's OK for Austin to dish about how much he hates Derek because "girls say bad things about other girls. that's what we do." And that, America, is what is wrong… that and the fact that we have penises and are not women.
9:44 PM CST – …and the four gays at brunch continue to completely ignore the food in front of them.
9:47 PM CST – Dear LOGO: gays would only go see the new Saw 3-D movie if it had Samantha from Sex and the City in it.
9:48 PM CST – Thankfully TJ covers his abominable hair during his talk with Derek. Derek laments not having been in love or having had sex for THE LAST EIGHT MONTHS!!! Of course, he's so busy tanning and waxing that he can't possibly keep up with a boyfriend. Apparently TJ is Ryan's front desk girl, right? By that measure that would would make us A-List also.
Reichen goes to a slutty party called Carnival and immediately gets distracted by a butter face with a machete for a schlong proving what we already knew about him, he's an insatiable buttslut with a chunnel the size of the Holland Tunnel.
9:52 PM CST – Austin demotes his fiancee Jake to the title of "partner." The relationship has gotten shorter while its status has continually amped up. Then Reichen drunkenly asks Austin if he will ever fool around with anybody once he and Jake are married — "so, uh, will yo uever, uh, fool around with…anyone else?" — because y'know… Reichen would like to be the meat in their man sandwich if it could work out. Reichen then slurs out relationship advice while dripping his old fashioned onto his pant leg. Meanwhile Rodiney standing merely three feet away pretends not to know Reichen.
9:56 PM CST – They blur out Amanda Lepore's breasts because LOGO HATES TRANNIES!!! Where is GLAAD on this one? Amanda Lepore beats michael musto as the most believable thing in the episode. Derek hates being there, so instaed of leaving he decides to spend more money, get shitfaced, and kiss a stranger in front of a midway game on national television.
9:58 PM CST – In a teary bedroom scene, both Rodiney and Reichen both wake up WITH AMAZING HAIR! Tthey don't understand why their relationship has come to such a bad state. Have they NOT been watching the show? We wish we could look this great when breaking up with someone.
Reichen keeps asking for Rodiney for permission to talk while lying shirtless with him in bed proving YET AGAIN that he's Rodiney's fussy little cockslave. Rodiney cannot believe that their relationship is getting this bad… we cannot believe they're doing this in front of cameras. BTW, what the eff ever happened to Reichen's jewelry line? All he has going on now is working out, trying to bone Austin, fighting with Rodiney, and that stupid play we haven't heard about since the first episode.