Only thrice in a lifetime can a person expect to see monolithic television events that blow their fucking minds — the Challenger launch, the return of What's Happening Now?, and that Super Bowl where Janet Jackson's boob popped out. Tonight we behold what promises to be the most homosexual gay TV show this side of Fagsville — the premier of The A-List: New York. Now Americans everywhere will know that some of us gays are as well-adjusted as, say, the Real Housewives. I'll be live blogging the historic first episode and invite you to join in the comments bitchery. It may be the most fun you've ever had since the premiere of The Real L Word…. or something.
8:47 CST – Did I mention that I hate reality television because of their vapid pre-scripted nature and the fact that everything — from the most mundane hair appointment to a bake sale — gets treated with epic importance of the goddamned Iliad? Nonetheless, I promise to be open-minded and un-snooty about this whole affair. Also, I have done absolutely zero research on this show so I still have my A-List virganalty and my reactions will be based on the ghastly things going on-screen instead of my pre-existing bias against shows like this. What did you expect? If you want well-informed media critique, go read The New Yorker while sitting on the toilet.
8:51 CST – Despite the fact that I know balls about this show, I do have some predictions and expectations. I expect that there will be:
– Lots of bare-chestage.
– At least eight gay kisses.
– Some gossip over whatshisname talking shit about whosherface.
– Frosted highlights.
– Shopping (cuz fagz b shoppin')
– Ridiculous pet names (Pookie Bear, Sugar Bung)
– A cliffhanger ending to get you 'mos to tune in next week. (Will Derek and his boyf get their dream loft in Hells Kicthen? Stay tuned….!)
I'd also like some toilet trampery, for someone to get slapped, or a smoke monster, but that's a lot to ask for a first episode.
8:59 CST – How many spin-offs does Ru-Paul have anyway? Some straight woman on Drag U learned "that drag is not just a man in a dress — it's a whole attitude." I want Ru Paul's Drag Ultimate FIghting Championship. I'd watch that.
9:00 CST – Show started. Seconds until first shot of boys in underwear: two.
9:01 CST – Nonstop drinking, Speedos, and perfect bodies form the intro of this all-white show. Sigh…
9:03 CST – – So Reichen got out of the military without being caught as a gay. And he gives proceeds from his necklace line to fight DADT. Substance? That's weird.
9:04 CST – Reichen is stiff, eh? A stiff dancer. Maybe a cocktail would help.
9:06 CST – So Mike the celebrity photographer could do the 100-yard dash in those pink feather shoes? I'd like to see him try. Maybe he should go on Ru Paul's show. Remember Mike, drag is not just a man in a dress — it's a whole attitude.
9:07 CST – Sweetie, everyone in New York starts off as a waiter slash model slash actor. The more I watch the more I get the sense that this is just softcore porn, kinda like the Playboy playmate profiles.
9:09 CST – It's a shame that Ryan the hairdresser's assistant TJ is so much more attractive than him. Hopefully he'll be a recurring character (who will kill off Ryan). Ryan called TJ "Tammy James" – that counts as a pet name, no?
9:10 CST – First Sex and the City reference, not to be outdone by the Showgirls reference that Mike made earlier.
9:11 CST – And Ryan has a black hubby? Badass. That should freak out the conservatives. Gay marriage? Miscegenation?!! Where's my shotgun?
9:13 CST – An HIV medication commercial talks about HIV in the third person, implying that no one in the commercial actually has HIV. One guy says that HIV "used to be considered a death sentence." Um, last time I checked there was still no cure. Also, everyone in the commercial is black, which reminds me, that last celeb I knew who publicly came out as positive was Magic Johnson.
9:15 CST – A POM commercial with a woman in a dripping wet dress. Must be for the lesbians.
9:16 CST – Austin, another model. His claim to fame is dating Marc Jacobs. That's all? Makes me shed a unicorn tear.
9:17 CST – Austin sounds kinda trashy. Let's hope he ends up becoming a depraved buttslut to "get back on the A-List." Yeah, the Ass-List. Pass around party bottom, anyone? He's the sassy one. And apparently he's too fat to model. Another unicorn tear.
9:18 CST – A story about Kathy Griffin on Queerty is getting more views that my live blogging. She's a bigger name… I guess.
9:19 CST – Derek. Fashion agent twink. He's friends with Lindsay Blohan, which would explain all the drinking, the Guys With iPhones picture, and the compulsory spray tanning.
9:21 CST – Reichen and his shades go on a boating date with Rodiney and his shades. Champagne on the river. Life is so hard. Is Rodiney the Miami hispanic an illegal alien? I see a future episode brewing. Is he also anorexic? So much potential for drama. Already Reichen is worried that he's gonna have to pay for everything. It's gonna be a short romance, Rodiney.
9:24 CST – The A-List word of the day is tanorexia – the feeling of never being tanned enough. I guess that makes Derek a tanorexic. Someone needs to tell that bitch. If I hear someone call him a tanorexic, I may just shit gold.
9:26 CST – Ugh! A straight couple on the Walgreen's commercial? Maybe it's for the bisexuals. So the bisexuals want me to get a flu shot and turn my unborn child into an autistic mutant? No thanks, switch-hitters.
9:27 CST – Austin wears bouncy space shoes to go jogging and lose weight. And when they unzip his shirt, his delightfully bitchy black trainer calls him "fat." I know he's fat for a wannabe model, but if that's fat, some of my friends who weigh 180 are absolutely obese.
9:29 CST – I like how they have to subtitle Reichen's boyfriend Rodiney whenever he speaks in accented English. How's that for multiculturalism? Rod spends a drink kissing Mike's ass in hopes that Mike can help make his career. Mike says he loves mentoring… "anytime he can reach his hand out"… uh-huh. Anyone else think that Mike and Rodney are gonna end up hitting it? Rod called Mike his "big sexy older brother." Incest is best, fellas.
9:31 CST – It's kinda satisfying to hear that despite his beautiful body and jewelry line and DADT activism that perfect boy Reichen sucks at singing and dancing. Small victories. Yes, I am a shallow and envious bitch sometimes. Also, he has bags under his eyes and crow's feet during the voice rehearsal segments but looks perfectly made up in his interview sections. Better lighting works wonders.
9:34 CST – I am happy that there have been about 4 black people on the show but they've all been bit players. Even Ryan's black hubby doesnt want anything to do with this nonsense. See? The nonexistent "ethnic" character sounds smarter than every other guy on this show.
9:35 CST – In a Volkswagon commercial, a handsome scruffy guy works a bunch of shit jobs just to spend his life-savings on two Jettas with personalized plates. So hipster-sad. Like whatever 2000.
9:36 CST – NewNowNext presents a commercial for The People I've Slept With. Go and see it.
9:37 CST – Rodney seems to be following Mike around the Sex and the City party like a puppy dog. Why isn't Rodney working the Latin angle? You're an oppressed minority, fella. Milk it! And if he doesn't get a new job and a work visa, it'll be adios. Que lastima, no?
9:40 CST – Austin dresses like a young college Republican for drinks with the homeaux. He apparently also boned Reichen. I told you he was the village slut. You go boy. He's apparently "dated" lots of gaymous people.
9:41 CST – I though that TJ's hair was brown, but it's apparently Oompa Loompa orange. Maybe he's less attractive then I first thought. I take it back. I was drunk.
9:42 CST – So Austin is still booty calling Reichen and Reichen still responds to his texts… keeping the spare piece warm, eh? I like how Reichen says that they "kissed a few times." Uh-huh… "kissed." My parents kissed too once and then a baby came out. Rodiney may have to cut a bitch.
9:44 CST – In this Bridgestone tire commercial a killer whale squirts into the driver's mouth. Now that's good gay advertising. The only blacks I have seen in any LOGO commercial were on the HIV commercial. I know seroconversions are on the rise in communities of color, but c'mon. Oh… and there was one in a Levi's commercial doing manual labor. And where are the Mexicans?!!! Oh, that's right, Rodiney. But he's Cuban… I feel so oppressed.
9:47 CST – I would really like to watch a "reality" show about dirt poor black transwomen.
9:48 CST – How did Austin afford his house in London? He's like The Great Gatsby or some shit.
9:50 CST – I like how the opening line of Reichen's bio does not mention his Amazing Race showing. Can't sink any lower, eh Reich? Also, I totally dig how gossipy Derek is. He totally pegged Austin as a social sleeper who hasn't actually accomplished anything. Austin is the total villain of this show. So far Derek is the hero, despite being tanorexic.
9:52 CST – So it seems like the cliffhanger will be whether Reichen wants to bone Austin or his Miami man candy. I'll probably lose a shitload of sleep worrying about whether or not true love exists. I think I'm getting an ulcer just thinking about it.
9:54 CST – I know there's copyright issues, but could we not see just how "delicious" Reichen's Big Fat Gay Wedding was? Sounds like it sucked balls.
9:57 CST – Finally hot tub sex. And apparently Reichen has a tramp stamp (bottom). And then Austin calls and cockblocks. How totally unscripted. The only surprise is that Austin may be a top.
10 CST – Rad! Margaret Cho will be in an upcoming episode. Reichen will "kiss" Austin and continue to generally suck at singing and dancing. Rodiney will flip out and have a fight with one of the guys… does it really matter which? Derek will continue being a critical queen with no actual goings-ons of his own (maybe Lindsey Blohan will visit in season two). He and Ryan are obviously totes BFFs and you can already tell that they'll be living on the same side of the island.
The entire last scene where Reichen and Rodney are about to frug when Austin calls basically sums up in a nutshell what I hate about reality TV. How convoluted and stupid that he should just happen to call at that exact moment and Reichen would just happen to answer while his blue-balled amigo is left holding his dick in the hot tub — pre-scripted banality.
Yes, we'll eat it up because it's an over the top, campy, guilty pleasure but I find it hard to enjoy amid everything else going on. As I write this I'm wearing patched up jeans, I ate cold spaghetti for dinner, and am gonna go read about who got gay-bashed, legislatively discriminated against, or committed suicide while I was watching TV.
"Reality" show? Yeah, right.