I’m applying to be game warden so I can refuse to issue hunting licenses

Posted on 04 Jul 2015 at 7:33am

Taffet,DavidI’ve decided to apply to Texas Parks and Wildlife to become a game warden.

Unfortunately, hunting is against my religion, so, once appointed, I won’t be issuing any legally sanctioned government licenses. I do expect to be paid my full salary and I expect everyone who likes to hunt to understand because otherwise they’ll be interfering with my deeply held religious beliefs.

That’s because our attorney general, Ken Paxton, believes people who work for the government should have the right to follow their religious beliefs — and I’m sure he wasn’t just talking about same-sex marriage.

John Turner-McClelland serves as president of the Denton County Fresh Water Supply District 11-A. After closely considering what Jesus would do, he decided water and sewer systems aren’t for sinners.

“Shit in a bucket,” this religiously motivated public servant advised.

Following one’s religious beliefs should apply to all government employees who issue licenses. Everyone at the Department of Public Safety needs to take a good look at whom they’re letting drive.

Any Muslims work for the DPS? Well, in Saudi Arabia, women can’t drive. Why should they in Texas? If it’s your deeply held religious belief, don’t issue women driver’s licenses. Paxton says you don’t have to. It’s called accommodating your religious beliefs. Oh, and Paxton will make sure you receive your full pay, because, hell, you answer to a higher authority.

What about voter registration?

What if you happen to work in the registrar’s office and it’s your deeply held religious belief that no damn good comes from bigoted white people voting?

Ken Paxton’s got the answer for you.

Don’t register their bigoted asses. It’s against your deeply held values and to hell with Congress and the U.S. Constitution that says every citizen has a right to vote.

Work at the food counter in the county courthouse? I believe when I passed by there last week I saw B-L-T on the menu. If it was me, I’d refuse to sell it to you because bacon goes against my deeply held religious belief that pork is only kosher when wrapped in a wonton and served on Christmas Eve. In fact, the Levitical prohibition against pork uses the exact same word — toeveh — as against man lying with another man.

Ever wonder why it takes months for a new bar or restaurant to get its liquor license? A number of TABC agents are Baptist. You may qualify, but they don’t think you should be drinking. Or dancing, but that doesn’t take a license, except in Dallas where we still have dance hall permits.

So they just won’t — or shouldn’t — issue your license.

Because Ken Paxton said they didn’t have to if it’s their deeply held religious belief.

And if you’re a Jehovah’s Witness? They don’t believe in the sovereignty of the state, so they don’t have to issue any license whatsoever. But I’m sure they’ll stay on the payroll. Paxton wouldn’t want to discriminate.

Hopefully the next time Paxton gets on a plane, here’s the announcement he hears from the cockpit: “Good morning. I’m Captain Smith. Our flight to Houston would have taken 27 minutes, but I’m Amish and I don’t really believe in this form of transportation.”

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