Don't blame the acting if this same-sex romantic comedy ruins Valentine's Day

BUT I’m MARRIED: Newlywed Rachel (Perabo, left) meets Luce (Headey), her wedding florist and a ravishing lesbian

My prediction for 2006: The success of "Brokeback Mountain" will lead to wider releases for mediocre queer films films that ordinarily would have only reached the festival circuit and a few art houses. By the end of 2006, when worthy films with gay subject matter can be rushed into production and theaters, non-gay viewers who've been burned a few times will have no interest in seeing them.

That brings us to "Imagine Me and You," the most depressing romantic comedy in years.

It's a typical triangular tale in which the heroine's bisexuality is a non-issue. When Rachel (Piper Perabo) is lovestruck during her wedding to Heck (Matthew Goode of "Match Point"), it could as easily be with a man as with Luce (Lena Headey). And what follows would be no different.

Gender being irrelevant, this movie is as far from "Brokeback Mountain" as its London setting is from Wyoming. Unfortunately, it's about as funny, despite trying to be a comedy.

The real model for "Imagine Me and You" is "Four Weddings and a Funeral." Luce works in a flower shop, so it's easy to work a wedding and a funeral into the dialogue in the first minute. The wedding is Rachel and Heck's, and since Luce has done the flowers, she checks out the ceremony. That's where her eyes meet Rachel's and the countdown starts until their lips meet.

The problem with director Ol Parker's screenplay besides not being funny is that it's about three people who are so decent, the idea of one or more of them ending up heartbroken is heartbreaking to us. Rachel and Heck have been together for years: first as friends, then lovers and now spouses. That's one theory of the way love should happen. But the spark that flies between Rachel and Luce confirms the possibility of love at first sight.

The women fight it as long as they can.

"I don't mess with other couples," Luce says. "I just face the fact that it can't happen."

She's an out lesbian ("gay as a tennis player," Heck calls her), which doesn't discourage Coop (Darren Boyd) from coming on to her. But despite his macho bluster ("I'm a cure for lesbianism"), even he turns out to be a decent guy, and he and Luce become friends.

Because of Rachel's attraction to Luce, her sex life with Heck goes south as soon as they're married. He blames himself and worries about it, while the women are miserable: They want each other, but they also want to do the right thing.

Heck's also unhappy with his job as a stockbroker in a high-class boiler room. If this sounds like a laugh riot to you, you've got a sick sense of humor.

Ultimately it comes down to whether Rachel will follow the rules or follow her heart. And the movie follows movie rules for how that decision should be handled.

The acting isn't bad. It might help if it were because then we wouldn't care so much about the characters. Perabo unsuccessfully tries to be the next Julia Roberts, but at least she does a passable English accent. Goode is good, but Headey is better. Celia Imrie and Anthony Head are fine as Rachel's parents.
And yes, that damn song, the Turtles' "Happy Together," which provides the film's title, turns up during the grandly romantic climax. It's been going through my head since the movie was first announced, and now it's stuck in heavy rotation. I'm considering a lobotomy.

Most of "Imagine Me and You" is devoted to the two women's approach-avoidance issues. I'd recommend avoidance, unless you want to spend Valentine's Day thinking love isn't worth the trouble.

RATING: C


REVISITING "'GIANT'
Before casting "Giant," director George Stevens asked Southern Methodist University art professor Ed Bearden to draw the storyboards. These pen-and-ink portraits guided the makeup and costume crews. Celebrating the 50th anniversary of "Giant," SMU's Hawn Gallery exhibits Bearden's sketches.
"On Location: Sketches of the Film "'Giant' by Ed Bearden," includes the storyboards as well as photos and pencil drawings executed by Bearden while on location in Marfa, Texas, like "Rock Hudson and Elizabeth Taylor Relax Between Takes," above.
In addition, SMU's DeGolyer and Hamon Arts libraries are loaning transcripts of interviews with cast members Rock Hudson, Jane Withers and Earl Holliman that were conducted by SMU history professor Ron Davis.
Hawn Gallery in the Hamon Arts Library, 6101 Bishop Blvd. on the SMU campus. Jan. 27-Apr. 28. Gallery hours: Mon.-Sat. from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., Sun. from 1 p.m. to 5 p.m. Free. 214-768-2894. www.smu.edu/giant.

"'BROKEBACK' LEADS OSCAR RACE
No huge surprises to report for the 78th annual Academy Awards nominations, which were announced Tuesday. "Brokeback Mountain" is the film to beat up for 8 categories, including best picture, actor (Heath Ledger), supporting actor (Jake Gyllenhaal), supporting actress (Michelle Williams), adapted screenplay (Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana), cinematography (Rodrigo Prieto), director (Ang Lee) and score (Gustavo Santaolalla).

In the best actor category, Ledger's main competition is Philip Seymour Hoffman, who played the title role in "Capote," which received 5 nominations, including supporting actress (Catherine Keener), director (Bennett Miller), best picture and adapted screenplay (Dan Futterman).

Felicity Huffman was a best actress shoo-in for her dynamic performance as a pre-op transsexual in the road-trip comedy "Transamerica." Dolly Parton adds some sparkle to the event: Her song "Travelin' Thru" from "Transamerica" is up for best original song.
Daniel A. Kusner

The Oscars will be televised March 5 on ABC, Channel 8.


This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition of February 3, 2006