Unfortunately, Chi Chi LaRue's new photobook just isn't that filthy

"Superstar video director" doesn't automatically translate to great photographer.

Chi Chi LaRue follows up his 2005 oversized photobook "Warning," with "Link: The Evolution" (Bruno Gmunder, $45.80).

After 120 pages of gorgeous, tattooed muscle men in some concrete, water-strained factory setting, it leaves you not wanting more but thinking LaRue should stick to his strengths.

His "Link" video series are tremendous and filthy: "Link 2 Link," "Final Link," "Missing Link" and so on. But wait before you rush out to buy this handsomely produced promo book. Soon enough, every shot and they're all basically solo images will probably be zipping around the Internet for free.

What's missing that LaRue achieves so well in video format? Raw charisma. These studs are all making love to the camera, which is too bad.

HARSH TRUTH: Just when you thought you were above average.

MORE THAN 10 INCHES? YEAH, RIGHT

Size queens, prick up your ears. The era of AOL inches is over. The Final Say ($14.99) is a new "phallumeasure" a patented device that ascertains the size of the male genital organ.

It looks like a penis pump. But it's a tool that measures tools. And it's huge.

The key selling point is that it will create a new standard in length without fudging the data. No more "From Hole to Pole" (including the taint meat). No more "Balls and All" (self explanatory).

Oh yeah, it only goes up to 9 inches.

This unforgiving nay, cruel ruler starts at the base and doesn't allow any embellishments. If that's the case, then Dirk Diggler was a total liar. So was John Holmes. And Long Dong Silver (actually, Long Dong was a deceiver; it was proven that he wore an artificial sheath).

Final Say promotes itself as a way to settle disputes. So the next time you want to put a cocky locker room braggart in his place, you have a sure-fire weapon.

Final Say sent a review product to Dallas Voice offices. And yes, the truth hurts.

Speaking of truth: A study published in the September 1996 Journal of Urology concluded that average erect length was 5.08 inches. So maybe eradicating AOL inches isn't so bad. Perhaps dudes will begin to love their little buddies.

But don't throw out that nightstand ruler just yet. Alone, late at night, 6.5 inches on a ruler no matter where you have to start from will soothe many an aching ego.

TruittRay

To order, visit: SizeOfAMan.com



This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition September 14, 2007