Form and function mesh in the blindingly beautiful Audi S5

There’s nothing better than a sexy German to juice up your libido and prepare you for a night of ecstasy and glory.

I’m talking, of course, about automobiles. Mercedes and BMW have built beautiful two-door sex machines for decades (as far back as the ‘20s and ‘30s). Audi has tried. The Auto Union racers were flash-hot, while most of the company’s coupes were clean and elegant, but about the same profile as a smooth cube.

Not so the S5. Not at all.

Perhaps blinded by the car’s beauty, I didn’t immediately fall in love when I first saw it at the Detroit auto show. Under the convention center’s lights, the cars flowing flanks, trapezoidal C-pillar, long roofline and fat rump looked too American, like a Corvette crossed with a ‘69 Camaro. There was no way to appreciate the cutting-edge coolness of the 16 white LED daytime running lights (eight on each side) and bi-xenon headlamps. Subtle chrome around the windows, 19” alloy wheels and a small “V8” on the front fenders look just right.

If the exterior looked American, there was no questioning the origin of the S5’s interior: It is pure Audi. As befitting a performance coupe, almost everything is arranged for the driver’s convenience. Elongated instrument bezels place all critical information (speed, tachometer, temperature, fuel level) right in front. No steering wheel under $100,000 feels better than Audi’s three-spoke with integrated audio controls. Navigation and audio are controlled through a dash-mounted screen and console knob, dubbed MMI, but it is much more intuitive than German rivals; after about three minutes, it makes total sense.

Function isn’t everything. All of the materials, forms and details of the S5’s interior are to be savored over many, many miles of pleasure. Heated 10-way power leather sport seats smell intoxicating and grip you in places you didn’t know you had. The dash and doors are covered in top-grade materials, including leather and brushed aluminum. I could have removed the Bang & Olufsen Premium Sound System with six-disc changer and Sirius Satellite Radio for my living room. In a small cabin, the sound was beyond stellar.

Jet pilots would be envious of the S5’s interior and would feel at home commanding its powertrain. S5s come stocked with a 4.2-liter V8 engine that delivers 354 horsepower and 325 lb.-ft. of torque, routed to all wheels through a six-speed manual transmission. If you had asked me to guess the car’s horsepower from behind the wheel, I would have put a stake in closer to 400; I think Audi is being conservative. Fuel economy is rated a not-so-economical 14 city/21 highway mpg, but what do you expect from a semi-exotic performance coupe?

Driving the S5 takes attention — it is not a car to be piloted passively. The clutch engages quickly and the shift lever is firm. If you aren’t paying attention, 354 ponies can get out of the corral. When deftly controlled, they light up the Quattro all-wheel-drive system in a wisp, launching the car to 60 mph in about 5 seconds.

Moving the coupe around town can be a chore, but on the open Interstate, it gobbles pavement like Oprah at a buffet. Suspension motions are the perfect balance of on-road comfort and on-track handling. High-performance four-wheel anti-lock disc brakes, electronic stability control, electronic brake force distribution and Quattro keep the car locked tightly to your synapses.

The S5 is Audi’s most extreme version of the A5 coupe. If you appreciate the car’s beauty, but wish for something that is not constantly on, consider the base version. Powered by a 265-horsepower 3.2-liter V6, linked to standard Quattro all-wheel-drive, the A5 runs from 0-60 mph in 6.1 seconds on to a top speed of 130 mph. Suspension motions are a little softer and the car’s overall attitude is less aggressive.

Prices start at $39,900 with a manual transmission. For many, the A5 may be the best choice. One expects a lot for $59,015 and they get it in the Audi S5. Our test vehicle included some pricey options like Phantom Black Pearl paint ($750), Navigation Plus ($2,390), rear camera and adaptive headlamps ($1,700), B&O sound ($850) and stainless steel decorative inlay ($750).

However, the total package comes to one of the world’s most sexy coupes that provides an erotic driving experience. It is like driving a Bentley Continental with an extra $140 grand in your pocket.

Competition includes the Mercedes CLK, BMW 3-Series coupe, Infiniti G37, and upcoming Cadillac CTS coupe.

SPORTY SIPPERS

Car-buying is at a serious low, largely because of rising fuel costs. But green-conscious penny-pinchers need not sacrifice sportiness — at least according to MyRide.com, which recently ranked the top 10 fuel-efficient sports cars. The clear winner? Audi, with three entries. But there are some surprising high-end  cars on the list, too. Here’s the list, with miles per gallon and estimated yearly fuel costs included. — Arnold Wayne Jones 1. Audi TT Coupe, 26 mpg ($2,501) 2. Audi TT Roadster, 25 mpg ($2,598) 3. Lotus Elise/Exige, 23 mpg ($2,675) 4. Mitsubishi Eclipse, 23 mpg ($2,675) 5. Hyundai Tiburon, 23 mph ($2,675) 6. Audi A4 Cabriolet, 24 mpg ($2,708) 7. Mazda MX-5 Miata, 24 mpg ($2,708) 8. Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder, 22 mpg ($2,798) 9. Porsche Boxster, 23 mpg ($2,825) 10. Porsche Cayman, 23 mpg ($2,825)

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DRIVER’S SEAT

GAY AUTO ACCESSORY: Fay flaunts the HRC bumper sticker.

Who: Anne Fay

Occupation: Citi, vice president of global compliance.

Why are you famous in the gay community? Michael Faircloth designs my gowns for The Dallas-Fort Worth Black Tie Dinner, and I’m a co-chair of the HRC Foundation board.

Current car: 2008 Lexus ES 330, mica flint.

Purchased from: Sewell Auto Dealers.

Insurance agent: Angel Irwin, Farmers Insurance.

Monthly insurance rate? Too good to believe. If you don’t believe me, call her for your own quote.

Why the ES 330? This is my third Lexus. And for me, it’s all about service. The one time I had a dead battery, a Sewell service person drove to my office — in less than 30 minutes — and put in a new battery. I decided Sewell Lexus was the only way to go.

Favorite feature: Climate controlled seats.

Keep anything interesting in your glove box? Yes.

Car nickname: We don’t know each other well enough yet.

Previous vehicles: All were named after Catholic saints: There was Mary, Maria, Margaret Mary, Mary Margaret, Mary Magdalene and Mary Francis.

Average weekly fuel expenses: $100.

Do you merge well with other drivers? Depends on the day of the week.

Have you ever been naked in your car? Of course.

How often do you wash your car? Weekly. And I am sure that the cleaner the car, the better it drives. How’s that for logic?

On Dallas’ highways, are you a grandma or lead-footer? I typically drive too fast. But gas costs have made me more aware of my consumption.

Worst moving violation story: Was arrested once for an overdue fine. Don’t mess with those “Fighting Farmers” in Lewisville.

Worst flat tire: I have never changed a tire in my life. Somehow I have always been able to escape that rite of passage. Plus at 16, in my family you also received an AAA membership.

Most ridiculous car repair: Once I had a tire from another car hit my windshield, which was more frightening than ridiculous.

Thought that races through my head when I’m going through a yellow light? I am already late. So why bother?



These articles appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition August 29, 2008.