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From DallasVoice.com Life+Style Lead Story Sexy law-enforcement cheetah Lt. Jim Dangle of "Reno: 911!" visits Big D
Dangle and his bizarre squad of unapologetically incompetent cohorts travel from Nevada to Florida for the Annual National Sheriff's Convention. After a hazmat-type emergency traps the entire Miami (and visiting) police departments in the convention arena, Reno's finest find themselves in charge of protecting so to speak the streets of Miami Beach. The ambiguously gay Dangle was spotted at the DFW Gun Range on Mockingbird Avenue. What brings you to a gun parlor in Dallas? I'm in an endless state of perfecting my lethality. And I'm trying to get the word out that this movie about the Reno Sheriff's Department is a pack of lies, a smear job. I'm a decent, hardworking civil servant at least 25 percent of the time. And you don't see that in the movie. All you see are the Reno police squad as horny weirdos who are injuring themselves and others. You mention in the movie that you custom-tailored your shorts because you've "got to be able to move like a cheetah a law enforcement cheetah." Tell me, what are your natural instincts for hunting down the scent of criminals? We learn a lot about crime by reading the morning newspaper. A lot of times there will be something that happens overnight, and we're like "Holy Shit. Wow. I wonder if they called us about this?" Sometimes our lines get crossed. We encourage people to report crimes on our Web site. But the system is pretty stinky. We end up getting a lot of orders for J Crew on that. Dallas is home base for one of the 20th century's biggest crimes: the assassination of JFK. You have any leads? That guy had a TV show, right? You know, last night I drove through Dealey Plaza. It was pretty. We drove through really fast because the street goes downhill a bit. That was fun. Dallas is also very car-conscious city. What advice do you have for drivers who get pulled over for traffic violations? Let me ask you this what do you want? What everyone wants hot cops in uniforms. Exactly. And what I want are civilians who treat me with respect and I want hand jobs. So should you just reach right across the driver's seat window and grab the officer's crotch? No, no, no. I'm talking about metaphorical hand jobs. Things that make us feel good and pump our egos. When handing your driver's license and registration over, should you also slide the sexy officer your phone number? We don't want your phone number. If I'm getting a hand job in the bushes, I don't want any record of what's happening. Have you ever unearthed anything valuable when conducting a full cavity search? Sure: baggies of heroin, meth, PCP. Cavity searches aren't fun. Actually, they are fun but not always. What always surprises me about crystal-meth heads, there will be a toilet right there, but instead of flushing it down, they go right ahead and shove it up their ass. In Texas, it's basically illegal to have a gay wedding. If you saw a same-sex couple trying to get married, would you make an arrest? Here's the thing in Nevada, we want your $11. We don't care what it is a hand job in a brothel, nickel slots or a gay marriage license. I'm pretty sure we could use that gay-marriage money. When you drive into Nevada, it says, "We want your $11." And if Reno becomes a big gay marriage town, we're going to need some event planners real bad. And some new DJs. When was the last time you used your nightstick? This morning. I dropped a donut behind the sofa. You can get a lot of stuff from behind the sofa. That's a great way to get at a lot of stuff. It's not just for knocking dudes down but mostly. But it has a lot of other practical applications. Like a Taser. Did you know that you could cook with a Taser? You can cook a hotdog in .0004 seconds. Instantaneously. Boom! They taste good, too. Hold up a Taser to one of those Orville Redenbacher microwave bags and "boom!" If you don't believe me, try it. But do not do this with Jiffy Pop. Jiffy Pop is a conductive surface. Is that the best use of taxpayer money? If you're going to sit here and say, "Our taxes pay your salary. You should do better you shouldn't hurt innocent people. You shouldn't destroy property. You should support the Constitution of the U.S." You know what our response is? "Fuck you, man." You try being a police officer. It's hard. Why are the police held up to a different standard just because we're armed? There's lots of armed people out there. And they're not even working. I tell you, this is a witchhunt. Just because I'm paid to protect you, does that mean I supposed to?
Not belonging to the National Society of Film Critics lets one enjoy "Reno 911!: Miami" without lamenting its lack of intellectual content. Fans of Comedy Central's "COPS" spoof expect pure silliness. Not silliness with a brain, like "Borat," nor silliness as a bad role model (unless you aspire to work for the sheriff's department), like "Jackass." For the big screen, Reno's sheriff's department takes its show on the road, to the American Police Convention in Miami. When terrorists recycle a "24" plot to trap everyone else in the convention center, Reno 911 becomes Miami 911 to save the city from chaos but who's going to save the city from them? The diverse group includes one gay man (Thomas Lennon as Lt. Jim Dangle, who looks like a Village Person in shorter, tighter pants), one lesbian (Mary Birdsong as Deputy Cherisha Kimball) and six presumed heterosexuals: Deputies Trudy Wiegel (Kerri Kenney-Silver), Raineesha Williams (Niecy Nash), Clementine Johnson (Wendi McLendon-Covey), Travis Junior (director Robert Ben Garant), S. Jones (Cedric Yarborough) and James Garcia (Carlos Alazraqui). I could tell you I didn't laugh much at "Reno 911!: Miami" but I'd risk being tried for perjury if they ever start "Law & Order: Reno." Steve Warren Grade: B Opens Feb. 23 in wide release. This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition February 23, 2007 © Copyright by DallasVoice.com |
