Billy experiences Schock and awww
We’re gonna kick off this column with a story that could give hope to quite a few people around the world. Doctors in Cape Town have performed the first penis transplant. Questions abound. Who is donating his penis? Is there a box I’ll have to check off when I renew my license that says “penis donor?” While researching those questions, we did learn that there is a great need for this procedure in South Africa, where men apparently lose their penises in staggering numbers due to late-life circumcision. In one of the greatest understatements of all time, the leading researcher said, “For a young man of 18 or 19 years, the loss of his penis can be deeply traumatic.” Really?! He added, “It’s a massive breakthrough. We’ve proved that it can be done — we can give someone an organ that is just as good as the one that he had.” Hopefully better!
The boys at Dolce & Gabbana sure stepped into it, didn’t they? After dissing gay adoptions, Stefano Gabbana and Domenico Dolce tried to back-pedal. Dolce said, “I respect all the world, all the culture. I believe in the traditional family. It is impossible to change my culture for something different.” Gabbana said, “We are gay. We love gay couples. We love gay adoption. We love everything. It’s just an expression of my private point of view.”
Whatever the hell all that means, it didn’t help. The editorial director of their online magazine quit, celebrities everywhere called for a boycott and protestors have picketed the London D&G store with placards saying, “Homophobia is not fashionable!”
Andy Cohen announced on Watch What Happens Live that he was auctioning off his favorite suit (size 40R) and donating the proceeds to the Family Equality Council, which supports LGBT Families. “Even though I love this suit, it wouldn’t be fun for me to wear it again. But it will be so much fun for me to have you wear it, knowing we were able to support an amazing cause while also screwing Dolce & Gabbana out of at least one sale.” Bravo.
For every step forward, there’s always someone out there trying to take a step back. California lawyer Matthew G. McLaughlin has proposed what he calls the Sodomite Suppression Act, which would criminalize homosexuality — or, as he refers to it, “buggery” — and impose the death penalty on people who break that law. McLaughlin has to collect 365,000 signatures to have the measure put on the ballot. If successful, the law will be Section 29, Title 3 of the Penal Code. Or is that the Penile Code?
Exactly what prompted 33-year-old Republican Aaron Schock, pictured, to leave the House of Representatives is still a mystery, but one I expect will be solved soon. Meghan McCain says that Schock’s downfall was “ultimately flaming out” — truer words were never spoken. Resigning must have been a last-minute decision. Just a week earlier, he was accused of spending $5K on a replica of President Obama’s podium, which is known as “The Falcon.” This adds to the previous scandals about his Downton Abbey office, taking his “personal photographer” on official trips, to say nothing of lingering questions about his sexuality and his penchant for quoting Taylor Swift lyrics. Aaron’s dad, Dr. Schock, said, “Aaron wears stylish clothing and yet he’s not gay… and he’s not married and he’s not running around with women. Everyone’s throwing up their arms because they can’t figure out Aaron.” Oh, I think we can. Eclipsing the other issues are allegations of sketchy real estate deals with supporters. The FBI has launched an investigation and plans to bring him before a grand jury. Dr. Schock was prophetic when he summed it up this way: “Two years from now he’ll be successful, if he’s not in jail.”
In some sad news, Liza Minnelli is back in rehab. Her representative said, “Liza has valiantly battled substance abuse over the years and whenever she has needed to seek treatment, she has done so. She is currently making excellent progress at an undisclosed facility.” On the positive side, she’s been in rehab so many times, her next stay is free!
She’s back! Joan Collins returns to TV in E!’s The Royals. And if you’ve seen any of the clips from upcoming episodes, you know that she’s a queen mum who’s a real mother! Even if Collins is looking forward (E! has already greenlit a second season of the show), she’s also happy to glance backwards occasionally. Dame Joan will be appearing at the official Star Trek convention to be held at the Rio Suites Hotel in Las Vegas Aug. 6–9. Since she starred in what is arguably the most popular episode of the classic series, this is quite a coup for the organizers, who promise she will not only appear, but do photo ops and sign autographs.
This leads perfectly into our “Ask Billy” question. Patrick in Rhode Island writes: “Have they figured out who that nude guy climbing down from a window at Buckingham Palace was? He has a great ass. Maybe it was Prince Harry. Or maybe it was some guy visiting Prince Harry!”
You can hope all you want, but alas, the nude guy wasn’t intruding on Harry — or any other member of the royal family. It turns out to have just been a hoax, cleverly produced by the folks behind E!’s aforementioned series. A faux tabloid program shows the entire footage, where actress Alexandra Park (playing the role of Princess Eleanor) is seen throwing her beau out the window. Happily for us, he got started before his clothes did.
When Aaron Schock is in any way connected with Falcon, it’s time to end yet another column, filled with all sorts of royals —dames and queens — to say nothing of bare bottoms. And that just scratches the surface of what you’ll find on BillyMasters.com. If you’ve got something you want me to look into, dash off a note and I promise to get back to you before Chaz Bono books a flight to South Africa!
Until next time, remember: One man’s filth is another man’s bible.
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition March 27, 2015.