Billy Masters

Posted on 07 Nov 2014 at 7:35am

Jane divorces, Lance ties the knot

 

Anytime I get to write about Nichelle Nichols, I’m in heaven … literally. The original Uhura was flying from Los Angeles to Providence where she was slated to appear at Rhode Island Comic Con. Nichelle was traveling with a blond guy who was described as her assistant (he’s also described as in his 20s — those were 20 hard years). Apparently, the duo’s carry-on bags went through the x-ray without incident. While taking them off the belt, the contents of one bag fell to the ground, revealing what was described as “meth and drug scales.” Nichols was shocked — shocked, I tell you — and said the bag belonged to her buddy. But guess whose name was on the luggage tags? Yup: Nichelle Nichols! TSA ascertained that the rest of the contents did indeed belong to her male companion. The guy was placed on the ground and handcuffed while Nichelle was wheeled to her waiting plane. So, lemme get this straight: A famous old black woman in a wheelchair was traveling with someone carrying illegal drugs in a bag with her name on it, and she wasn’t Dionne Warwick?

Here’s an unsolved mystery: someone stole Hedwig’s wig! Near the end of the Broadway run of the smash musical, Michael C. Hall (who took over as Hedwig from Neil Patrick Harris and Andrew Rannells) rips off his wig and throws it to the ground as he does every night. However, after one show, the crew discovered that the wig was missing (cue that scaMCHry music from Law & Order). Producer David Binder said, “You do not mess with Hedwig’s wigs. That’s like Hedwig 101. I’m afraid for the poor person who did this because Hedwig will find you, hunt you down, and do unspeakable things to you.” Unless that wig has GPS, I wouldn’t be concerned. But I am kinda curious about these unspeakable things that Hall might do. Is there a list of them anywhere? After seeing pics of him ending the show in only a pair of scanty rubber shorts, pictured, my mind is racing with possibilities.

Speaking of Hedwig, Neil Patrick Harris is returning to TV to host his own variety show. It will be based on the hugely popular (and veddy British) series, Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway, and will import a variety of key players from that show. This domestic version will be structured similar to its U.K. big brother, including a live studio audience, comedy sketches, musical numbers, games and pranks. In announcing a commitment to 10 hour-long episodes, NBC’s president said, “This series will suit his extraordinary talents perfectly. He is a versatile and thrilling talent for us to welcome into the NBC family.” The thing I got out of that is NPH is versatile.

Congrats go out to Sean Hayes, who announced his engagement to beau Scott Icenogle. Apparently, they’ve been together for eight years. Who knew?

Jane Lynch has discovered that a D-I-V-O-R-C-E costs lots of M-O-N-E-Y. Her split from spouse Dr. Lara Embry ended up costing her a pretty penny. The damage? Half of several bank accounts ($847,485), half of a 401K ($315,079), half of their tax refund ($56,810), and half of all future royalties from Glee. In lieu of alimony, Dr. Lara will get a lump sum of $1.2 million (to be paid over two years). She also gets to keep their L.A. Yacht Club membership and the dog. And, oh yes, she also gets to keep the daughter that she brought into the marriage.

In one of the more surprising stories of the week, auteur Bryan Singer has announced that he’s gonna be a daddy. If one believes all those rumors, this would not be the first child he’s had. But in this case, we’re talking about him fathering a child. The mother will be his best friend, Michelle Clunie, who you might remember from Queer as Folk. This news doesn’t come completely out of left field (that, Bryan, is a baseball reference — just in case you have a boy). Earlier this year, Singer told Out magazine, “I’m quite bisexual. In the last five years, I’ve had two girlfriends — one for two years, one for eight months.”

Lance Bass and fiancé Michael Turchin have set a date for their nuptials: Dec. 20. The ceremony will be filmed by E! for a special to air sometime around Valentine’s Day. While Bass’ ‘NSync bandmates will be invited, there are no plans for the group to perform. “I think it’s a little cheesy if I sing at all at my wedding,” said Bass.

What Lance didn’t consider cheesy was posting a nude video of his betrothed. Well, if an underwear model was my fiancé, I’d insist he was naked at all times. The video (which is on BillyMasters.com) shows Lance chasing Turchin into the bathroom, where the bare-assed beau is attempting to get into the shower.

Many of you have sent in questions about Ben Affleck’s penis, which made its big screen debut in Gone Girl. But is this really the first time we’re seeing it? There are those who claim that the elusive Affleck Penis made a fleeting appearance in Hollywoodland. Perhaps … it’s hard to tell if that’s a penis or a fist. Because I am devoted to my dear readers, I searched high and low and came up with the Gone Girl footage in question. There is indeed a fleeting glimpse of Ben’s penis. I’d call it side penis. Kinda like side boob in all those photos of Lindsay Lohan in a tank top … but significantly less saggy.

When we’re featuring a pair of bare asses (and then some), we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column. Instead of answering one specific Ask Billy question, I took care of a group of you with Affleck’s penis (you’re welcome). As always, I’m here for your queries. Just send ‘em along and I promise to get back to you before Ben’s penis demands equal billing.

Until next time, remember: One man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Have a question for Billy? Send an email to him at  Billy@BillyMasters.com.

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition November 7, 2014

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