Billy Masters • 04-24-15

Posted on 24 Apr 2015 at 7:50am

Rehab update! Andy, Ireland and, of course, Liza. Plus trans women!


This column is being filed from the friendly skies. Alas, I’m not flying out of Denver, where they get very friendly with you as you go through security. Last week, two Denver-based TSA agents were fired after it was discovered that hot male passengers were being unnecessarily patted down. Here’s how the scheme worked: The male TSA agent would let his female co-worker know when he found somebody attractive. She would then flag him and request a pat down, which would be done by the male agent. In these cases, he would pat both the groin and buttocks area, which I believe is how they do it in prison. The TSA was alerted to this situation by an anonymous tip (presumably a heterosexual male). Turns out that other agents knew of these shenanigans. One said, “More people [knew] it was going on. They made it seem like a game.” So remember, if you aren’t patted down going through security, you may not be as hot as you think.

Moments after Hillary Clinton officially announced her candidacy for president, a small group of San Franciscans started a campaign, cheekily called I’d Bottom for Hillary. I’m not exactly sure how bottoming would help her, but I suspect a strap-on might be involved. In a related story, these same guys would also bottom for a sunny day.

Last week, Ireland Baldwin entered rehab. You remember Ireland, otherwise known as a “rude, thoughtless little pig.” Reportedly, the 19-year-old spawn of Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger had been “partying non-stop” and had to be forced into the facility. When she heard these stories, Ireland tweeted a response … because, naturally, this is a facility that has wifi: “Apparently I’m in rehab for intensive partying soooo I’m just going to lay pretty low for a bit and maybe get some frozen yogurt.” I look forward to her stint on Dancing with the Stars in two seasons.

As luck would have it, one of Ireland’s rehab pals is none other than Andy Dick, who voluntarily admitted himself to the same facility. Andy has spent lots of time in rehabs, but I didn’t know this is his 13th stay. If visits were Subway sandwiches, this one would be free!

We hear that Liza Minnelli has concluded her most recent stay in rehab. Her spokesperson says, “Liza is home and doing great. She is very excited to get back onstage and to see her fans again.” Her first scheduled gig is at the IP Casino Resort Spa in Biloxi, Miss., on July 24. She’s excited … she’s just not anxious. Although she was anxious to come to West Hollywood, where she was spied eating at Pump just hours before we filed this.

Surely Going Clear represents some of Tom Cruise’s best acting work. Alas, the same cannot be said of the Grace Kelly biopic starring Nicole Kidman. Rumors of a film in trouble seem to have been confirmed. The studio has yanked the flick from a theatrical release and instead will send it directly to television. Adding insult to injury, it won’t air on HBO or Showtime — nope, Grace of Monaco will have its world premiere May 25 on Lifetime, television for women (and gay men).

By the by, it’s recently been reported that Suri Cruise hasn’t seen her father in well over a year. And who is that?

Remember Bradley Manning? The soldier who was charged with sharing classified government secrets and branded a traitor? Once imprisoned, he announced that he was transitioning to female and would henceforth be referred to as Chelsea Manning. With the help of the ACLU, the Army has approved hormone therapy for the person they refer to as “Inmate Manning.” The next landmark will be when they start referring to the inmate as Chelsea.

Laverne Cox, pictured, continues to be a trailblazer; she’s the first transgender person to be shot for Allure magazine’s annual Naked Truth issue. She’s featured alongside Jordana Brewster, Katheryn Winnick, Nicole Beharie and Sandrine Holt. So not only is she the only transgender person in the group, she’s also the best known of the bunch.

This leads beautifully into our “Ask Billy” question, which, believe it or not, comes from Alexis Arquette in Delusionville (and I am bringing it to you exactly as she wrote it): “Did you not print a story about me and Jared Leto are you not a journalist maybe I have the wrong person but I believe it’s you if it is you you said I was untrustworthy source are you out of your mind I’m the first openly gay actor ever ever I built everything for ever young gay actor in this town. Are you not the gutter press writer for the frontiers crap rag?”

Oh my — where to begin? First, Frontiers is the publication that carries my column in Southern California, and it’s one of the biggest gay papers in the country. In fact, the story about Alexis and Jared Leto was recounted by Arquette in an interview published in Frontiers. What I find most disturbing is that Arquette has such a low opinion of gay publications, especially since they have provided roughly 80 percent of the press she’s ever received. I am sure that openly gay actors from Bill Haines in 1933 to Tommy Kirk in 1973 pale in comparison to someone who once appeared on an episode of Friends as Drag Waiter #2. That said, my personal experience with Arquette over the past decade or two makes me more than qualified to have an opinion about her grasp on reality. Let this be a cautionary tale to you all: never believe your own press releases.

When most of you are asking, “Who is Alexis Arquette?”, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. Should you have a question for me (and do use correct grammar and punctuation), send it along and I promise to get back to you before Hillary sets up a campaign booth at the Folsom Street Fair.

Until next time, remember: One man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Have a question for Billy? Send an email to him at

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition April 24, 2015.

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