Cassie answers crazy questions!
Every column I write, I ask you peeps to send me your questions. I always say, “Ask anything you want, no question off limits!” Well, one guy out there has taken that to heart, and about twice a week sends me an email. The email contains usually one very random question from an AOL account. Over this past year, I have kept his emails and will now address some of his questions I find more … entertaining. His (actually it could be a her) email never contains a “Dearest Cassie” or a “Yours truly,” just one very odd, sometimes blunt question. So here goes:
Do you believe in aliens?
I believe there is life on other planets but I doubt it has evolved enough to visit our planet. It is naive to think earth is the only place that has life on it when there are so many millions of planets within a Goldilocks zone. Do I think they walk among us and abduct us for anal probing? Sounds fun … but I think not.
Have you ever had sex in drag?
Yes, when I was very young and the guy was hot but a freak. When it was over, my wig was crooked and my eyelashes and lipstick were still on the pillowcase. It had to have looked like Tammy Faye Bakker had slept there. It was so weird. So I only let it happen about 10 or 12 times after that.
Do you think you are capable of murder?
No, of course not, but don’t look under my house.
Have you ever had sex with a woman?
Do nelly boys count? No, I have never had sex with a woman. My Gay Card is titanium.
Would you punch a baby for a million dollars?
I would do it for 10 bucks. Just kidding. Yes I would do it for a million dollars but I would buy the baby ice cream afterwards.
If a genie granted you three wishes, what would they be?
I only need one wish: Stronger will power. With will power, I would be in shape and more successful. I’d be rich because I would have the drive I needed to make it happen. I wouldn’t be a lazy procrastinator. I’d get shit done, son. Oh, and with the other two wishes, I’d wish for a bubble butt and a gigantic penis. #SorryNotSorry.
What was your last nightmare about?
OMG! It was horrible. I was being asked all of these stupid-ass questions. … Seriously, I dreamed I was being chased across a never-ending bridge by Russian zombies. I couldn’t jump off the bridge because of the thousands of glowing great white sharks in the water. I have no idea why they were Russian zombies or that the sharks glowed but I woke up terrified and covered in sweat.
What color is the carpet in your bedroom?
Brownish beige — it sounds ugly but I love it.
Would you give a homeless person CPR to save their life?
Yes, I would. I’ve put worse in my mouth.
Have you ever thought of having kids?
I have thought about it and my husband and I have come to this conclusion: No way!!!! I think we have the potential to be great parents, but since it is frowned upon to put your kid in a crate so you could go to the movies, we should probably stick to dogs.
If you found out you were going to die tomorrow, what would you be most upset about?
I would be so upset that I wouldn’t get to see the new Star Wars movie.
What is the meanest thing you have ever done?
Years ago, there was this super-hot guy that worked the door at JR.’s for a short time. He was named Layne and dated my best friend, Lee. Layne had the most beautiful shoulder length hair and Lee was head over heels in love with him. Layne was also a cheating, thieving asshole who broke my friend’s heart. He cheated on Lee, stole Lee’s credit card and went on a $2,000 shopping spree before dumping my way-too-forgiving friend. I placed a sample size bottle of Selsun Blue shampoo in Layne’s mailbox, except it actually contained Nair with blue food coloring. Shortly thereafter, Layne was sporting a buzz cut. To this day, I have no definitive answer if his hair style change was my doing but in my heart I know it was. Allegedly! I know, I’m a horrible person, but I am also a good friend.
If you could be someone else for one day, who would it be and why?
Easy: Sofia Vegara. Why? Joe Manganiello, duh! My luck, on that one day, I would be on my period. We would just have to power through. I’d also want to be the future Mrs. Manganiello just so I could play with my boobs and have an accent that wasn’t so country.
Do you masturbate a lot?
I don’t think I do it a lot, but if my hands and arms were made of wood and my penis made of sand paper, I would be down to nubs.
Dear Mr. Random Questions from an AOL account, I have answered just a small number of the questions you have sent over this past year. I hope you enjoyed it. Keep them coming. I am strangely intrigued by the erratic content of your questions. You are obviously a weirdo and made me feel like a weirdo for wanting to answer your inquiries. It was somewhat cathartic, so thank you. I appreciate the eccentric and seek out the unconventional. By the way, check out my Freakshow at JR.’s on Monday nights. It’s a good time.
Remember to love more, bitch less and be fabulous. XOXO, Cassie Nova
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition June 26, 2015.