Cassie dishes on Brangelina, Jennifer and the famous Cassie-roles
Hey ya’ll. I hope you all are having a better week than Brad and Angelina. I mean seriously, the world is falling to pieces and all anybody can talk about is Brangelina. So I guess I will too.
Let’s back up: Remember Brad Pitt was married to Jennifer Aniston when Angelina and Brad first got together? Brad fell in love with Angelina while they were filming Mr. and Mrs. Smith. It was a good-ish movie. Brad left Jennifer for Ang, and it looks like karma has finally got Mr. and Mrs. Brangelina.
Everyone has been going on and on about how happy Jennifer Aniston must be now that the biggest power couple in Hollywood are divorcing.
Do I think Jenn grinned a little when she heard the news? Yes. But Jennifer Aniston, at least in my mind, is a lady and would never let the world think she is as petty as the rest of us.
But gurl, you know that phone call between her and Courtney Cox must have been fierce:
“Hey Miss Thang, did you hear?”
“Oh yes gurl! I heard. Ohhh! You know karma is a bitch.”
“Uhhh Huhhh! Oooh snap!”
Yes I am assuming Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston talk like messy, super-gay men behind closed doors. Actually, I assume that about everybody. Could you imagine Hillary screaming “YAAASSSSSS KWEEN!” and snapping her fingers every time The Trumpster says anything stupid. I can, and do.
Any way you look at it though, Jennifer is a winner. The bitch still looks incredible, not just for her age but for any age. She is a very bankable actress, and have you seen her husband? Damn! Justin Theroux is fine as hell!
If you haven’t watched his show, The Leftovers, you should — if only to see him jogging in those loose sweatpants. It’s like watching a python trying to get out of a pillowcase. Jennifer is a lucky girl and, by all accounts, a winner.
I am sad for Brad and Angelina. I hope they can work their shit out. I heard one reporter say something about the poor Jolie-Pitt children.
Bitch please! Those kids will be just fine. The adopted kids basically already won the lottery and their birthed kids won the genetics lottery.
Besides, they can afford a good therapist.
In other news, I’m fat. I have come to the conclusion I will be thick forever, mostly because I am such a good cook.
I love to cook. I have tried cooking healthy, but it’s just not as much fun. For some reason, when I cook a Cassie-role, it makes me so damn happy.
Maybe it’s the old southern lady in me that makes almost everything into casserole form. One of my favorites is a tater tot casserole. You take a pound of browned ground beef, a bag of tater tots, can of cream of mushroom soup, a container of sour cream and as much shredded cheese as you want. Mix ’em together and bake for 45 minutes at 350.
Sometimes I add a package of ranch seasoning. Sometimes I add those French’s French-fried onions. It really is idiot-proof. It’s my go-to casserole when someone dies. My momma taught me that when someone dies, you take their family some food.
I am not a chef but I am a great home cook. I remember when I was a kid and I would spend the day watching cooking programs on PBS.
Between Julia Child and Yan Can Cook, I would cook all kinds of crazy shit. Unfortunately, without knowing it, I trained myself to be more Paula Dean than that skinny bitch that made healthy food. See! I don’t even remember her name.
I cook with butter, heavy cream and everything bad for you. I come from the school of thought that feeding people shows you love them. I need to learn to love the people in my life a little healthier. I bought a vegetarian cookbook a few months ago with the hope of getting inspiration to step up my side dish game. I have yet to open the book.
Part of the problem in our household is we love rice. We eat brown rice all the time. I know it’s healthier, but it is still high in calories. So I tried shredding cauliflower to the size of rice and using it as a rice substitute. Nope! I did not like it and my husband wouldn’t even try it.
We come from a long line of meat and potato eaters. It is hard to retrain your brain that you don’t need to eat everything on your plate. When I was a kid we could not leave the table till our plate was clean. You know, because of all of the starving kids in the world. I remember once my great-grandmother slapped the shit out of me for telling her to send my leftovers to Africa if they were so hungry. That woman was almost a hundred years old but could hit like Mike Tyson if you caught her in a bad mood.
I have actually gotten a lot better about cooking more vegetables in new and exciting ways. I’ve had to; my husband and many of our friends just won’t eat most vegetables. I love them, but when you cook for other people you tend to overlook the things you want to please the people you are cooking for.
So when my man said he liked fresh green beans, I made them till we were both sick of them. When he said he didn’t mind broccoli, I steamed it, baked it and, of course, casseroled it. Any time I cook on the grill I will grill asparagus. I love it and my husband tolerates it. It’s weird to say, but I like the way my pee smells after I eat asparagus. It smells healthy.
When I was a kid and we were forced to eat canned spinach, I had to choke it down. But bitch, fresh spinach is my jam now! I love it sautéed with some olive oil and garlic. I am trying to cook fish more and more. We have salmon at least once a week. I cooked shark steaks a few times and then learned that they pee though their skin and now I just can’t do it.
I like grilled tuna so I guess I should try that. Years ago, at the Black-Eye Pea, they had grilled tuna on the menu and it was the bomb. I would order it every time we went there.
I will usually cook healthy a few days a week and then I get a hankerin’ for a casserole. My favorite of all time is my Mexican Dorito casserole.
Nothing makes me feel more white trash than cooking with chips.
Its two cans of Rotel, a block of Velveeta, a can of cream of chicken soup, a can of chicken stock, one chopped onion and some cilantro. Layer Nacho Cheese Doritos with shredded chicken breast and cover with the cheesy soup mixture. I use my biggest lasagna pan and end up using a bag and a half of the Doritos.
Crunch it down and shake out any air bubbles. Bake for 40 minutes at 350 and viola! Comfort food at its best. At least, for me.
I remember making this with my mom when I was a kid. So it brings back some good memories. I serve it with lite sour cream to cut a few calories. You know, like getting a diet coke with your double-meat, double-cheese cheeseburger.
Cooking healthy all the time is never going to be a thing for me. But I am determined to cut back on my Cassie-roles. Who knows, maybe one day I will find a happy medium between horrible and healthy. Till then, I’m hungry!
Love more, bitch less and be fabulous!
XOXO, Cassie Nova
If you have a question of comment, email it to AskCassieNova@gmail.com.
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition September 30, 2016.