Cassie Nova • 08.19.16

Posted on 19 Aug 2016 at 7:30am

Kids — just like Cassie — can say the darnedest thing

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Hey, y’all. Ya know, they say that kids say the darndest things, and we all have had experiences with a kid that has made us laugh, cringe or just plain entertain. Well, yesterday I had one such experience.

I was in my car on the way to pay my water bill in Midlothian. I was about to turn off Main Street at a green light with a SUV in front of me, also waiting to turn. We waited for what seemed like days for a break in the cars. Finally it came, and if the lady in front of me would have gone, we both could have made it through this infuriating light. She did not go. I had a perfect view of this “lady” in her side mirror and she is staring at her freakin’ phone. So I give a little honk. Not even a honk really, just a little quick toot on the horn to get her to look up.

Of course, by the time she looked up and registered what was going on, we had to wait through another red light. Ugh! I was slightly annoyed. No big deal. Finally, the light turns green and after a few cars we are both able to turn. She makes a right at the next street, as do I. She pulls into the municipal building parking lot, as do I. She is apparently going to pay her water bill as well. The only parking spot left is right next to her. I take it and jump out quickly so I can beat her to the cashiers’ window. It wasn’t a competition, really, since she had a little boy that she had to open the door for. He was an adorable little dark haired kid, maybe 5 or 6.

They got in line behind me. She was wearing yoga pants and had her Starbucks iced coffee in one hand and her bejeweled iPhone in the other. Her hair was a messy bun that you could tell she spent way too much time trying to make look like she spent no time on it. Her little man had on a Captain America shirt and boasted bright green eyes.

I get my receipt and turned to leave, and Miss Yoga Pants basic bitch says to me, “I don’t know why you had to honk at me.” I said very calmly, “I honked because you were on your phone and …” Before I could say anything else she yelled, “I was not on my phone!”

Ooh!

I pulled in a deep breath cuz I was about to unleash a good ol’ reading when without missing a beat, her adorable little boy said, “Yes you were, Mommy. You are always on your phone. Just like Daddy always says.” He said it as if he was just stating facts he knew to be true.

She gave him the look — that stare only a mother can give — one that says, “I will end you and erase all clues that you ever existed.” Luckily, the boy was clueless about his mother’s hell-stare. He was too busy touching every one of the pamphlets on the wall that tell you all the ways you can conserve water or who to call if you have a leak. I literally laughed out loud. I did not have to say another word to her. His words were an exclamation point on anything I could have said.

I asked the little boy for a high-five as I walked past them. He jumped up and slapped my hand with his. His mother rolled her eyes and stepped to the window to pay her bill in a huff. It totally made my day… although I did go home and pray for the kid that was for sure getting some kind of punishment. Even if he wasn’t even aware that he had done anything wrong. Which he hadn’t! Tell the truth and shame the devil!

I love kids, I do, but I am so thankful I don’t have any of my own. Every once in a while I will see a cute kid or see that one of my friends on Facebook post some sweet picture of their happy family and for split second I think, maybe we should have a baby. Maybe we should look into adopting. Then I hear a screaming kid in a store or remember that kid’s turn into teenagers and I am glad I had my tubes tied. I have yet to meet a teenager that wasn’t a complete asshole. I know some of y’all are reading this and thinking, mine is different, my teenager is an exception. My teenager is an angel. Quit lying!

When I need my baby fix, I have cousins that have babies. I go spend an afternoon with them, then come home to my nice clean house full of nice, breakable things. I let my kids out of their kennel and take them outside to potty. No diapers needed. Although I do have to do poop patrol about once a week and clear the shit out of the yard.

We actually have a couple of godsons: Ty and J.J. They are awesome. Both of them are in high school and Ty will be turning 18 later this year. Where does the time go? If my boys are assholes, they are nice enough kids to not be assholes around us. They really are good kids. I am very proud of the sensitive caring young men they have grown to be. They owe it all to their mother, Beck. Beck is one of our best friends and is more family to me than most of my blood relatives. She is a single mother who adopted the boys when they were very young and has done an incredible job of providing a stable, nurturing environment for those boys on a teacher’s salary.

OK, one last story about kids then I will never speak of them again. This is a story about my niece Holli. She’s like 20something now, so this happened a long-ass time ago. My sister asked if I could watch her baby for a few hours while she and my mother went to the mall or someplace … I don’t remember exactly. Anyhoo, Holli was just a baby and so far had only said a version of mama. I brought my friend Lee to keep me company and help out if the kid cried too much. Lee was basically a big kid so I knew it would be fun.

The second my mother and sister left, I went to work on teaching Holli a new word. I was not going to be happy until I got that baby to cuss. I bounced her on my knee and told her to say SHIT! Say SHIT! Shit Shit Shit Shit! But nothing. She just laughed at these two idiots repeating the word Shit over and over again. I don’t know why this was so important to me. It’s so stupid I know. I have always loved it when a kid in a movie cussed. I know it’s very low-brow, but I have always thought that cussing kids were hilarious.

Over the next two-and-a-half hours, we must have said Shit about 10,000 times … and she wouldn’t say it. We started to sing it. SHHHHIIIIITTTTTT! Shitty Shit Shit Shit! SHHHHIIITTTTT!!! Nothing. She lost all interest in us and started to play with her toys. She got a little fussy so I gave her a bottle but the whole time I kept saying…say Shit! I gently rocked her to sleep singing Shit little baby, don’t say a Shit. Shits gonna shit you a mocking-shit. She fell asleep and we laid her down on a blanket on the living room floor surrounded by her stuffed animals and toys. She looked so peaceful and sweet.

When my ma and sister got back Holli woke up, and she woke up in a mood. Where was the sweet little baby that fell asleep just a little while before? In her place was an angry mean faced baby with an attitude. She cried, threw her bottle and just seemed pissed off. My mother picked her up and bounced her and rocked her and asked her in the sweetest voice, “What’s wrong wittle gurl?” Holli spit out her bottle my mom gave her and threw it on the floor and said “SHIT!” My mother glared at me with that mom death stare so Lee and I got the hell out of there. Mission accomplished!

Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova.

If you have a question of comment, email it to AskCassieNova@gmail.com.

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