Cassie Nova • 09/09/16

Posted on 16 Sep 2016 at 8:15am

Cassie offers a happy Pride … and thoughts on trust in relationships

cassienova

Photo by Chad Mantooth

Happy Pride, everybody! I love this time of year. I love the sense of community that comes with the week of fabulousness that leads to The Alan Ross Texas Freedom Parade. At all of the bar and clubs, you can feel the excitement building. This will be the 33rd year for our Pride parade. That is amazing. I hope this younger generation truly understands what a big deal having our parade is to us. I’m proud that I have been in or at the parade every year since I was 18 years old, and this year will be no different. Me and my band of merry Marys will be front and center on the Caven float.

I honestly dislike daytime drag, but I love doing it for the parade. We get to the club early to get in drag, I usually bring donuts and we paint our mugs and do a couple of shots before we head over to the float. The trek over to the float is always a hurried mess. We bounce and weave through the growing crowds of people, stopping on occasion for the quick pic request. We always think we are late but always get there with time to spare. Then it is hurry up and wait for the parade to start. It is usually pretty hot. Last year was great because Dallas Voice gave all of us these huge fans, so we just stood around and fanned ourselves like the Southern belles we are. It is always exhausting but we are always glad we did it. I hope to see you all there!

Now let’s help some folks.

Hi Cassie, I need your advice. Sometimes I over-think everything so I want your opinion on this one. I’m a lesbian and have been married to my wife for two years. I’m older femme, she’s younger butch. It was a crazy whirlwind of a relationship, but I have always believed that we are open and honest with each other in our everyday lives, so I have never checked or questioned her actions or phone calls or texts. But I recently had the opportunity to see and read her emails (which I would never do but did just out of gut feeling); I wish I hadn’t.

I see mostly innocent emails from her ex, very friendly, and my wife’s reply was friendly but mentions somethings about “what might have been.” It has been bothering me ever since. I kept it buried deep in my mind for about a week, then I asked her, “Have you heard from your ex?” and she said, “No, and I’m glad I haven’t.” So I dropped it and asked nothing more.

It was purely accidental that I saw the conversation between them and in no way do I want to see or check again. I’m usually very open-minded and not jealous so I’m not sure why she chose to lie when I asked her.  But now I’m driving myself insane. I don’t really want to blow this out of proportion, so do you have any advice how I should handle this situation? Sincerely, ShouldaMindedMyOwnDamnBizness!

Dear Shoulda,

Miss Thing, if your relationship is not strong enough to handle you asking about one email or text message, you might have bigger problems on the horizon. When you are in a committed relationship, secrets are never a good thing. That being said, what was the context of the “what might have been” statement? If she is friends with her ex, maybe she was trying to cheer her up. Maybe she was having a moment of nostalgia for her younger self. The point is, you don’t know because you are not talking to her about it. Trust is such a tricky subject but being open and talking about these things usually work best.

I, of course, am assuming that you are both reasonable adults. If that’s not the case, then shit’s gonna hit the fan eventually. How much younger is your wife? I find that the younger they are the more they love drama. That’s not just for lesbians. I know a bunch of young people that love to blow things up and self-sabotage just for the sake of drama. A truly strong relationship can handle the occasional flare up. Like herpes. Think of a little argument as a herpes on your lip. If you pick at it, it will get worse. If you doctor it and baby it, that bad ol’ sore will be gone in no time.

Own up to reading her emails. Apologize, but then ask her what she meant. Put all of your cards and feelings on the table. Understanding will hopefully bring you both closer. Good luck, Cassie.

Hi Cassie, Given that we’re a year into marriage equality and more couples are pairing up and eventually transitioning into marriage, I couldn’t help but wonder: With gay men notorious for being horn dogs, is it practical to think you’re always and forever going to only make love with this one person (as traditional straight marriages like to think), or is it more practical for some couples to evolve into more of a sometimes-open relationship? Most of us have always daydreamed about the standard of the house with the white picket fence and kids or pets… spending our lives with “the one.”

I ask this because when I was single, I couldn’t count the times I’ve heard of (or myself have been directly approached by) a partner or partners interested in having some intimacy/playtime with another. Whether the couple has stopped having sex or the sex life has gradually declined, it makes one wonder on the fluidity of a partnered couple’s sexual life over the years when they are totally dedicated to being with each other through the good times and bad and love their partner unconditionally.
How does one even broach the subject if the other partner is steadfast in their old-fashioned belief system and is adamant about not allowing any type of three-way or outside play ever? It’s a delicate conundrum… when you love someone so passionately and want to spend the rest of your life with them, and not hurt their feelings… does it make you a bad person to even think these thoughts sometimes? I like to think it’s just us, as loving gay men being human… flaws and all. XOXO, Lost In Space Boy.

Dear Space Boy, I get a lot of questions about three-ways and open relationships and my advice is usually against it. In my personal experience, three-ways usually lead to the end of a relationship. Of course, that was in my twenties and they weren’t strong relationships to begin with.

You have to ask yourself, how important is that hookup? Would you be OK with someone else touching your man? How would you feel afterwards if your partner got way into it? Is it worth hurting your partner? Would he feel like he is not enough? Would you? There are so many variables that you have to think about before you even broach that conversation. If it is something that is truly important to you, then start that conversation. Talk about it thoroughly before either of you act on it.

I know people in open relationships and it seems to work for them. For some it is the new normal. Times and attitudes about sex have changed. Just think long and hard about it before you get long and hard with a third party. And whatever you do, play safe. Good Luck, Cassie.

Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova.

If you have a question of comment, email it to AskCassieNova@gmail.com.

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