Cassie introduces a new feature: Her Random Thoughts. Be afraid
Hi-ho, everybody! Last weekend, after my show in the Rose Room, a guy cornered me and said, “I would love to know the things that run through your brain.” I asked what he meant. He just looked at me and laughed and said, “Cuz you ain’t right … the stuff that comes out of your mouth. I can only imagine the things you filter out.”
Surprise dude! I usually don’t filter out anything. If I think it, I usually say it. But that conversation gave me an idea. I will write down my most random thoughts for a new segment I’m gonna call Cassie’s Random
Thoughts. I hope this gives you an insight into my mind, but please don’t judge.
I wonder if Napoleon Dynamite has a big dick.
I wish I were a cartoon.
Why are they called apartments when they are connected?
I kinda don’t hate the way a skunk smells.
I pee sitting down because I’m lazy.
Alex from Target is adorable and probably gay.
Shouldn’t Jesus have a license if he is gonna take the wheel?
I wonder if I think about penis as much as straight guys think about boobs.
I want a pig.
Stephen King should write a book about evil mutant drag queens.
Where the hell are those sidewalk snails when it is not raining?
I hope aliens do exist and are not assholes.
I probably would not survive long in a zombie apocalypse — it sounds exhausting with all the running and the killing.
I bet Rick Perry has a micro-penis.
Now on to some questions.
To the wonderful almighty and all knowing, Cassie Nova!! I have a question for you!! I have decided, in my ultimate wisdom, to join the U.S. Navy. I soon leave for basic training (booty camp, because you get a big booty from boot camp). My question is: How should I celebrate my going-away party? I’m stumped and wanna make it a great memory. Ideas? Thanks, Soon-to-be Navy boy.
Well hello Navy boy! OMG! I have the best idea for you. You totally need to enter the Thursday night show in the Rose Room and do drag. Invite all your friends and make memories no one will ever forget. You can show the guys at booty camp your drag photos and say it is your girlfriend. Do it. I double-dog-dare you. If you won’t do drag, come out to the Rose Room anyways, myself and the other girls will make sure you have a great time. Thank you for your future service. Cassie.
Dear Cassie, Is it bad that I do not go to bed when my boyfriend does? I mean, I do work later than he, but I always heard that’s one of the best things to have between each other to make a relationship work. We’ve been together for five years now and just wanted to get your advice. Best wishes love you! Joey.
Joey, One of my favorite things about having a husband is going to bed at the same time. I love cuddling up and the kiss goodnight (although I actually go to sleep a lot later than my man because I keep a late schedule). I either read for a while or watch TV with a set of headphones on so he can sleep. I call it my wind-down time. I truly feel it helps us stay connected. Good luck, I hope this helps. Cassie.
Hey Cassie! My girlfriend and I have been together for four years. She came out to her parents years ago but I’m her first serious girlfriend. Since her parents found out about me, I’m not allowed to any family celebrations or holidays and she can’t mention my name or anything about me/us to them. I’m madly in love and I can’t imagine life without her. We’ve lived together for three years and are saving to buy a house and are planning to start our own family. The holidays make me feel lonely because we have to celebrate separately. This is the one fight we constantly have. I want her to stand up for me to her parents and she wants to keep everyone happy. How can we fix this? How can I make them see how happy we are? Love, Holiday Heartbreak.
Dear Holiday Heartbreak, Girl, this is a tough one. Y’all have been together long enough that her family needs to realize that you and your partner are family. It’s easy to say that it is time for her to give the family an ultimatum between the girl I love and the family that can’t fully accept her. But the reality is dealing with family is not easy, but if they truly love her, it is time for the family to evolve. They don’t have to love you but they should respect the love you have for each other. Remind your girlfriend: Holidays are for family … whether blood or chosen … but hopefully someday soon both. Till then, stay strong. Cassie.
More of Cassie’ Random Thoughts.
I think I want to be cremated and made into a diamond when I die.
I hope no one ever finds out I like Taylor Swift.
Are the bumps on the side of the highway there so blind people can drive — you know, like Braille?
I would be a horrible lesbian.
I wish Linda Eder would come out with some new music.
Skinny people always seem so unhappy.
I wonder who from Happy Days had the bigger dick: Potsie or Ralph?
Love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova.
If you have a question and want to suggest for Ask a Drag Queen — or just have some juicy gossip to share — email it to AskCassieNova@gmail.com.
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition November 14, 2014.