Crazy, lazy and looking for nookie

Posted on 30 Oct 2006 at 3:03pm
By Jen Sincero – Sex Expert


I want a girlfriend, and I want her now!

Dear Jen,

I’m a 32-year-old lesbian, and I’ve been single for most of my life.

I really want to meet someone, but I can’t stand going to bars. And almost all my friends are straight. Every once in a while, I get set up on dates. But it’s usually with some girl who happens to be queer not anyone who happens to have anything in common with me.

My straight friends mean well, but it’s frustrating.

Also, I don’t think I fit in to the lesbian community so well. I’m not political or very “lesbian identified.” I’m just a woman who likes other women.

What can I do to put myself in a better position to meet someone without making myself miserable?

Fish Out of Water

Dear Fish,

Girlfriend, I know what you mean.

I really want to get in shape. But instead of doing sit-ups, I like to lay in bed and play with my stomach roll. I’d also like to have a buttload of money. But work for it? No way that’s a vacation to Boresville.

To get what we want, we all have to do things we don’t necessarily enjoy.
Who said finding someone to love was going to be a barrel of fun? And why is it your friends’ responsibility to do this for you?

Get off your lazy, Bring-Me-Some-Hot-Lesbian-Booty-Now ass, and go find yourself someone.

Take some classes. Go out for a beer. Volunteer. Get online. And most importantly, stop whining!

Your straight friends are better lesbians than you are: At least they’re out there meeting the queer ladies. Figure out how they do it. And next time they bring back someone you’re not interested in snuggling with, try being friends with her instead. Or friends with her friends.

You have a much better chance of meeting a girlfriend if you hang out with your tribe. Writing off the entire lesbian population as too political or too lesbian identified or whatever you’ve labeled them is a convenient way to keep yourself single and miserable.

Stop your sobbing, woman. And get on with it!

My love life is a lemon

Dear Jen,

I’m constantly attracting guys who are really screwed up. My last boyfriend was suicidal when I met him. And by the time I left, he was addicted to heroin.

Others have been severely depressed and some barely functional can’t keep a job, no friends, etc. I’m a fairly happy person: My family loves me. I got a good job, friends

Why can’t I find someone like myself?

Why do I keep ending up with these head cases? It’s not like I seek them out because at first, they all seem perfectly normal. But once we’ve been dating for a while, sure enough, the craziness starts to seep out.

What am I doing wrong?

Crazy About the Crazies

Dear Crazy,

About a year ago, I bought a car from this auto mechanic. Before giving him the money, I stopped at a different grease-monkey shop a few blocks away so they could look under the hood and kick the tires.

Coincidentally, all the guys at this place knew the mechanic I was buying it from.

“Hey, isn’t this Ray’s car? He’s a standup guy, that Ray. Look how clean the engine is. Looks like Ray went at it with a toothbrush.”

Instead of giving it the once over, they regaled me with stories about Ray’s kids and that one time how Ray let them borrow his air drill.

My regular mechanic couldn’t see it for a few more days, and I was scared I was going to lose the car. So I figured, “What the hell? Ray’s a mechanic, I’m sure he took great care of it. I’d just buy it and trust that Ray was as stand up as they said he was.”

Four-thousand dollars of crapped out batteries, leaky radiators, oil pans, power steering systems and faulty brakes later, I realized I’d been duped.

Ray sold me a turd. But it’s my own dumb fault.

When we sealed the deal, Ray wouldn’t look me in they eye. And I’ve gotten stronger handshakes from week-old babies. In my gut, I knew I was getting into something real bad. But I did it anyway, because you should’ve seen how sexy that car looked.

When it comes to your mental-ward full of exes, you pretend that you’re clueless.

But I can’t pretend.

You know that you know you just don’t want to admit it. Because you should’ve seen how sexy he looked in those jeans.

I have a theory that people tell you everything you need to know the first week you meet them. Sometimes you get it all on the first date.

For some reason, they can’t help but puke up their little confessional hairballs right there on the candle-lit table.

Here’s how it goes:

Him: I sort of cheat on all my boyfriends.

Your Brain: It’ll be different with us. Look how much he’s opening up to me already!

Him: I hate myself and want to die.

Your Brain: That’s only because he hasn’t gotten a piece of me yet.
Him: I have a tiny addiction problem.

Your Brain: I can change you. I will change you. I can’t wait to change you.

I promise you, it’s all there. You’ve just decided not to notice it.

It’s uncanny how we keep attracting the same types of people over and over. But choosing to go forward with them is a different story.

Next time you’re attracted to someone, don’t leap into a relationship?
Instead, listen carefully to what he says. Pay attention to the fact that his eyes look like plate-glass windows when he comes back from the bathroom. Don’t pretend that he’s uncontrollably sobbing just because he feels comfortable opening up to you.

Once you start watching, you can make changes. All it takes is really wanting to.

Jen Sincero lives in the Venice Beach district of Los Angeles. She’s a syndicated columnist and the author of “Don’t Sleep with Your Drummer” (MTV Books) and “The Straight Girls Guide to Sleeping with Chicks” (Fireside).
www.JenSincero.com.

E-mail: advice@jensincero.com

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition, December 1, 2006.

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