Tust out the rainbow M16 assault rifles because things are about to get fabulous! The United States Army is about to become the world’s biggest Pride parade, thanks to President Obama’s nomination of Eric Fanning for secretary of the Army. The only thing you need to know about Fanning is that he’s a gay. What other qualifications does one possibly need to essentially be the CEO of the U.S. Army?
Well, lots, actually. And Fanning’s credentials are pretty impeccable.
He’s currently serving as the undersecretary of the Army, and his list of qualifications is so long it would take up this entire column space. But if you ask Mike Huckabee, R-Will-Never-Be-President, Obama just picked the first guy to come up on Grindr.
On Sept. 19, Huckabee took to Facebook to criticize Fanning’s nomination: “It’s clear President Obama is more interested in appeasing America’s homosexuals than honoring America’s heroes,” the Huckster wrote. “Veteran suicide is out of control, and military readiness is dangerously low. Yet Obama is so obsessed with pandering to liberal interest groups he’s nominated an openly gay civilian to run the Army. Homosexuality is not a job qualification.”
I’m not sure what Huckabee means when he says that Obama is all about the gays at the expense of “America’s heroes.” Is he saying that Obama should have nominated a military officer instead?
The secretary of the Army is a civilian position, which Huckabee should know. I guess he’s saying that the mere act of nominating a homo is a dishonor to our troops.
But it’s not like Obama just nominated Nathan Lane. Even Fox News saw through Huckabee’s homophobic bullshit.
On a Fox Business morning show, host Sandra Smith asked Huckabee what his deal was with criticizing Fanning, since he “is widely seen as very qualified for the job.”
“He may be very qualified for the job,” Huckabee said, “and if he is, then nominate him because he’s qualified to lead the Army, not because of his sexual orientation. Why are they making such a big deal and talking about it?”
By “they” he means the Obama administration. There is, of course, no evidence that Fanning was nominated because of his sexual orientation, nor is there any evidence that Obama just can’t shut up about how gay Fanning is.
Huckabee, on the other hand, cannot shut up about it: “I had people who were gay who worked on my staff, who have served in my administration when I was governor. I never went around saying, ‘Hey, I’ve got some homosexuals that are working for me.’ What’s the point? If they’re qualified, hire them.”
Oh, so Huckabee has worked with known homosexuals, eh? Well then he couldn’t possibly be homophobic.
“I just think this president is so into symbolism, so into trying to prove to everybody that he’s this open-minded guy,” Huckabee said.
“Maybe he’s trying to make up for the fact that until, gosh, what, just three years ago, he still took the position that many of us do, and that is that marriage, for example, is a biblical issue, and it is between a man and a woman. He had this sudden revelation that it is not that way anymore.”
In other words, Obama is trying to make nice with the gays by throwing them a nomination or two.
“I just feel like that the president has made this such an agenda,” Huckabee continued, “and the agenda for the military is to focus on the best qualified people, because we’re talking about life and death issues. And if he thinks Eric Fanning is the best for the job, nominate him, but leave his sexual orientation out of it.”
You hear that, Fanning! Back into the closet for you, for the good of the country. And so Huckabee can find something else to obsess about other than how super gay you are.
D’Anne Witkowski is a freelance writer and poet and a writing teacher at the Universtiy of Michigan. She writes the weekly “Creep of the Week” column for Q Syndicate.
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition September 25, 2015.