Danger: premature queer bed-death

Posted on 10 Aug 2006 at 5:00pm

If sex thermometer cools too early, you might end up dating your sibling

Dear Candy,


For the past couple of months, a friend has been in a relationship. This is the period when newbie couples get hot and heavy. But my friend’s partner isn’t interested in sex.

He’s an affectionate cuddler. But when physical intimacy moves to the next stage, the boyfriend doesn’t initiate or even reciprocate. The last time they had sex, the partner wasn’t able to finish even after 45 minutes.

My friend is mulling over a million different reasons for the lack of umph in the relationship. How can he find the answer and spice things up? Help.

Lack of Lust

Dear Lack,

Sex is an important component for a loving adult relationship. Regular sexual touching creates intimacy, safety and closeness. Sex has the ability to take the edge off the relationship. It helps us become more relaxed with our partner. And sex can help us tolerate the little things that our partner does that might otherwise work our nerves.

As natural as sex seems to be, it’s a very complex behavior and deserves to be addressed.

Sex is the number one reason sited for divorce. So it’s crucial that your friend talk to his partner about the lack of bedroom action. If they don’t discuss it, they’ll become like siblings close but platonic.

It’s okay to be concerned, but don’t talk about this problem in a critical way.

This relationship is too new to be so chaste. A good psychotherapist will be a great help to your friends. Good luck.

Dear Candy,

I’m crazy about this really hot girl. She’s perfect but has one truly odd habit.

When she wants to relax, she cuddles a pillow and pinches it until pieces pull off kind of like plucking a chicken. The pillow has become an unsightly glob, so I toss it into a closet or under the bed.

She freaks out when she can’t find it. And insists that she needs it to relax.

I’m tired of finding little pieces of the pinching pillow scattered around the apartment. I’m tempted to “inadvertently” put it in the trash.

Would it be okay if I played dumb or should I fess up? Maybe I can replace it with something harder to destroy.

Crazed

Dear Crazed,

Fine, your hot girlfriend has a quirky habit. We all have unique ways of dealing with anxiety some healthier than others.

I like that your disapproval of her compulsion to “pluck” her pillow is about the mess and not about her. You have a loving and accepting attitude about her as a person.

Instead of playing dumb and hiding the pillow, why not sit down and talk to her about the plucking behavior?

I bet you two can come up with a way to either find pillows that don’t shed or find a neater way to handle the shedding (such as “picking” over a trash bag and putting the pillow where you won’t have to look at it).

The important thing is your willingness to talk to her about this without judging her. Good luck.

Candy Marcum is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Dallas.

E-mail DearCandyLetters@aol.com

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition, August 11, 2006.

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