Diary of a bridezilla

Posted on 10 Apr 2015 at 6:15am

Dallas Voice contributor Chaka Cumberbatch — a bisexual woman — got engaged to a man over Thanksgiving.
Here are excerpts from the wedding planning diary of a girlie-girl on a mission


CHAKA CUMBERBATCH | Contributing Writer

Wedding-Issue-logo-CNov. 28: Dear diary: I’M ENGAGED. I’m marrying my best friend, we’re going to live happily ever after …. and I’m going to plan the living shit out of this wedding. Years of Say Yes To The Dress marathons have done nothing if not prepare me for this EXACT MOMENT.

Nov. 28
: #justengaged #justsaidyes #excessiveringselfies #sorrynotsorry

Nov. 28: So I currently have in my possession every single bridal magazine Barnes and Noble had to offer, along with like four different wedding planning books. I may have actually purchased one of them twice?

Nov. 28: Is it possible to like, teach yourself to be left handed? Because I’m literally doing everything with my left hand now. #ifyoulikeitputaringonit BYE.

Nov. 28: This is about to be the most flagrantly basic thing I’ve ever done, but I wonder what you have to do to get them to write “bride-to-be” on your cup at Starbucks?

Nov. 28: Not much, apparently.

Nov. 29: It’s barely been 24 hours and I’ve already assembled my entire bridal party. We’ve brainstormed outfits, bachelorette ideas and have three tentative bridal shower themes for the two tentative bridal showers. And my sister has already vetoed a handful of my different dress ideas. We should really harness all this energy into, I don’t know, running the country or something when this is all over.

Nov. 29: Did this girl literally just ask me to post a picture of the dresses I’m considering on Facebook? And spoil the big reveal? Seriously? Was she raised in a barn?

Nov. 30: Speaking of barns, why is everyone having these weirdly specific barn weddings lately? I could not be less interested in throwing any kind of wedding that involves my guests sitting on hay bales for an hour and drinking tepid house wine out of a mason jar, while watching my fiancé and me cycle through eight different unity ceremonies and a Dr. Seuss poem. The whole thing just feels very E-I-E-I-can’t.

Nov. 30: So I’m totally registering for a stand mixer, btw. I don’t even know if I’ll ever use it, but I swear this is my god given Southern Bride right. No man will stop me.

Nov. 30: Fiancé wants to know where we’d put a stand mixer. Told him we’d just have to get a bigger kitchen. Fiancé wants to know what we would use a stand mixer for. Told him we’d come up with something. I don’t think he’s convinced, but it doesn’t matter. NO MAN WILL STOP ME.
Dec. 3: Some barn themed wedding venue just followed me on Instagram, and it looks like it sprung forth from the seventh circle of actual Pinterest hell.

Dec. 10: Set the budget! I’m pretty confident we’ll be able to stick to it.

Dec. 12: Called around to price out some venues. Previous budget was delusional.

Dec. 12: And this is the part where I try to win the lottery.

Dec. 15: So I think I want a modern wedding.

Dec. 15: No, wait, I think I want a rustic glam wedding.

Dec. 15 Hang on … maybe I want an abandoned loft wedding!

Dec. 15: Ooh, that barn is pretty.

Dec. 16:  I take back everything I said about barns.

Dec. 28: My fiancé doesn’t think there’s a critical difference between blush pink and baby pink and it is threatening this marriage before it’s even begun.

Jan. 5: Going to a bridal show today!

Jan. 5: Witnessed an incredibly violent fight over a free wedding dress at the bridal show today!

Jan. 6: All I want right now is to go back in time, to the exact moment when I chose to give out my phone number at the bridal show yesterday, and just alter the course of my life. These vendors are worse than my student loans. #NotTodaySallieMae

Jan. 15: So I’m back to hating barns, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was raised by drag queens and my dress alone would completely upstage an entire barn.

Jan. 15: There are actually … a lot of dresses that I happen to really like. This could become a problem.

Jan. 18: Currently working through the logistics of wearing four dresses on the day of.  Beyoncé would do it.  And I have the same amount of hours in the day as Beyoncé.

Jan. 25: So this catering menu is prohibitively expensive and has me questioning a lot of my friendships.

Feb. 1: How am I already getting emails from divorce lawyers? That’s gross. I was kidding about the whole blush versus baby pink thing. Mostly.

Feb. 12: I’m really not understanding how I am expected to spend hundreds of dollars on flowers that will already have one foot in the grave halfway through my reception. What part of the game is this?

Feb. 23: I think I’ve picked our venue!

Feb. 24: Or no, wait — I think I like this venue more than that other one.

Feb. 25: …OK, maybe that barn wedding was cute.

Feb. 26: I take back everything I said about barns.

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition April 10, 2015.

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