The author of the “‘Harry Potter’ books has revealed that master wizard Albus Dumbledore is gay; now take a peak into his innermost thoughts
“Harry Potter fans, the rumors are true: Albus Dumbledore, master wizard and Headmaster of Hogwarts, is gay.” The Associated Press
From the Secret Diary of Albus Dumbledore, Hogwarts Headmaster:
– Blue pointy hat with spangles or red pointy hat with stars? I keep trying each on with my black robe, but can’t tell which is hotter.
– Under the stalls in the men’s bathroom, I saw a foot taptaptapping, but I knew it was Peaves again, so I didn’t respond.
– How can you keep a comprehensive room design when the people in the paintings keep leaving? I tried to bring out the red in Armando Dippet’s robes with a new carpet, but he kept leaving and changing his robes, and I kept having to magic the carpet.
– Merlin’s pants! Minerva McGonagall caught me dancing in heels again to that Muggle singer Donna Summer. I must be more careful.
– Met with Harry Potter again. I had such a crush on his father James. He’s the spitting image. This is why I can’t tell anyone I’m gay they’ll suspect me of something, even when it’s not true, and I won’t be able to meet with Potter in secret, behind closed doors. I’m not interested in boys. I’m interested in men.
– I think Minerva suspects, and I think I might confide in her, but what if I’m wrong? I have too much to lose.
– Was so lonely tonight I caught my foot tapping once in response to Peaves in the men’s room. No. No. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth it!
– I think that Neville Longbottom in Gryffindor might be a Friend of Dorothy. (That’s what they say in the Muggle world. Isn’t that cute? Though of course through research at Hogwarts we know that Dorothy visiting Oz was a complete myth, and the hero was really the Cowardly Lion, otherwise known as Aslan, who dropped in to Oz for a while to save it after the witches went batty.) In the Wizarding World, we say either “an Ozzie,” since Oz, of course, was the first famous gay wizard (and the only out one, as far as anyone else knows) or “a Friend of Wilde Stein” after the famous wizard literary novelist.
– This time MG caught me boogying to “I Will Survive.” Merlin’s Sweater!
– Another bathroom visit. More foot tapping. I finally burst in and called Peaves on it. I don’t want Hogwarts’ bathrooms to turn into a tearoom. There’s the forest for that. And do you believe what he said? “I was retrieving a piece of paper.” Right. Whatever. Next thing he’ll say is, “Oh, I’m not gay. And I have no memory at all of that night with the centaur under the Whomping Willow.”
– Even now after all this time, I miss Grindelwald. He still smiles at me from the portrait I keep hidden under my pillow. I love bad boys. It’s just too bad that in his case “bad” was actually “evil” and I was forced to kill him.
– Received my new copy of the “West Side Story” album by owl. Was practicing “I Feel Pretty” when who knocks on the door? Yes. Minerva. At least I had time enough to take off the frilly apron and hide the tiara.
– If I wasn’t headmaster of Hogwarts I’d absolutely be a backup dancer for Hellion’s Hollering Hoonannies.
– I’m worried that Quidditch might be a bit too violent for some people’s delicate sensibilities. Like mine. Perhaps instead we should switch to figure skating or rhythmic gymnastics. I will make a note for the next faculty meeting.
– Caught Draco Malfoy using “He’s so gay” to describe Harry Potter. Told him it was homophobic. Ten points from Syltherin.
– Tonight, I caught my hidden portrait of Grindelwald in delicto flagrante. Oh my. He’s more than I remembered.
– Snuck into a Muggle movie, “Brokeback Mountain.” Afterwards, bought a cowboy hat and soared across the grounds on a bucking Quidditch broom. Minerva caught me as I was coming back. Merlin’s handstitched belt!
– I hear there’s a Gay-Straight Alliance meeting in the Room of Requirement. They don’t want faculty there, of course, but I make sure that I send over Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans. In a rainbow of colors, of course.
– A few words before bed: Flaming. Disco. Feathers. Glitter.
– If I have to drink one more tankard of butterbeer, I will vomit. When will someone bring to dinner a nice Bordeaux? Or one of those cute little Muggle drinks with the umbrellas? Wizard umbrella drinks just aren’t the same. The lightning strikes change the chemistry, and then the wind roils it all up, and it’s almost impossible to drink without spilling on your new, hand-painted robes.
– That Minerva. I think she might be a fag hag. She left a DVD of “The Birdcage” and season one of “Will & Grace” on my desk. I’ll need to invite her for an afternoon of shopping. And maybe she’ll let me borrow that great purple dress.
Jennifer Vanasco is an award-winning, syndicated columnist.
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition October 26, 2007.