The Listening Party is back. We’ve been a little distracted lately or schedules just weren’t meshing but we’re glad to be back on track. This week, we’re listening Colton Ford’s Tuesday release, Under the Covers. I get a little worried about former porn stars crossing over into the mainstream. Clearly, ego blinds them to their diverse talents — or lack thereof. Colton Ford is way hot but how does he fare becoming the next dance music sensation?
With snarling good looks, silvery hair and chiseled body, Ford has our attention but we’re a little confused by this CD. Clearly he prefers to sing, a point his press release drives home (“Ford lives — and loves — to sing.”) but this ambitious sophomore release of cover songs threw us for a loop. What’s worse is Ford’s explanation. “Adding my interpretation to these songs gives a new perspective to these classic tunes, enabling me to show different sides of my vocal ability,” he said.
Um, O.K., now let’s see what the others thought.
In case you’ve forgotten how the Listening Party works, we go through review CDs that may not make it to print but are filling up the office. Colleagues in the office join me as we sample the album in its entirety and then offer our sincere comments. Usual LP suspect Kristina was present and we brought back Chance from our last session. Other usual suspect, Chris, unfortunately didn’t make it until the very end. We broke it down by certain tracks also figuring you might want to know about the more popular songs he covered.
Track: “Trouble” by Britney Spears.
Chance – It’s like a condom, it’s so synthetic.
Kristina – The layers of music are clashing. They are like off. I’ve noticed what all the CDs have in common – they all have that deep monotone voice. But I can handle the chorus.
Rich – I noticed no one recognized the tune. This song is painful. How sad that he considers a bonus track available only through iTunes from Brit’s 2008 Circus is a classic.
Chris – This is gonna get the Grammy for best comedy album. How much did he have to pay for this? This was probably his whole budget. (Ed. Note: Chris’ sole contribution.)
Track: “Show Me Love” by Robin S.
Chance – Sounds like one of those God band, like the whole Altar Boyz thing. (Ed. Note: I wasn’t sure where he was going with this.) Show me the next track!
Kristina – This sounds like New Kids on the Block before they became NKOTB.
Rich – I don’t even hear the original.
Track: Interludes “Out of Time” by Hall and Oates and “Rock the Boat” by Aaliyah
Chance – Much like Britney, he should not sing a cappella.
Kristina – I was gonna say the same thing. He was all Turtle Creek Chorale in “Rock the Boat.”
Rich – Interludes? Really? Is he Janet Jackson? I don’t get the point of just singing the chorus to a song and considering it an interlude.
Track: “Lithium” by Nirvana
Chance – He should stick to hardcore porn and not hardcore rock.
Kristina – I see this at the end of a Disney movie with the credits rolling down. I don’t like it.
Rich – I think I can appreciate this better because he sticks a little closer to the original. I’d like some lithium if I’d have to listen to it again though.
Track: “It’s No Crime” by Babyface
Chance – Babyface? Does that make him Daddyface? Reminds me of childbirth but not in a good way. If he’s singing at the Rose Room, they’ll buy his CD but they won’t buy it at Barnes and Noble after sampling the tracks at the listening station.
Kristina – This sounds so dated, so ’90s. But I guess I like this one the most. These types of singers are background people who are going nowhere.
Rich – This album is a crime. Someone should handcuff this man and put him away but they may have already done that in one of his movies. There’s no life here. His voice is so thin and doesn’t match his look.
Track: “Losing My Religion” by R.E.M. (and the video included in the disc)
Chance – Haven’t like 1,000 people covered this already. Hmm, I’m not opposed to it. It’s definitely a silver lining and by that, I mean silver plated. His voice is layered like Jennifer Aniston’s hair in the ’90s.
Kristina – I don’t like dance music so I hear this and I’m turned off. It’s definitely an improvement from the first song. He’s very versatile. He can sing at the top and the bottom.
Rich – He doesn’t kill the song but it’s screaming for help.
And the video:
Chance – I’d love it if it were Britney dancing and not my grandpa. Don’t wanna see my grandpa in panties and a mesh Onesie, no matter how hot he is.
Rich – The let’s-go-have-some-coffee khaki outfit I don’t get or his over emoting. I kinda dig the Blade Runner bit. It looks sexy. Not so much on the dancing. The Onesie? A total miss. I love the high-tech effects of the roses and flames. So cool — from 30 years ago.
Final thoughts: (Kristina had to leave by this point)
Chance – I’m not gonna listen to it in my car. I feel like the whole album is only 15 percent lyrics and rest is unnecessary techno. It feels like he hit that button on the keyboard for pre-made tracks, recorded a cover and made an album in his laundry room. It’s hard to recover from a porn career. This certainly validates that theory.
Rich – Yeah, while making a porno in the other room. I don’t know what that was. He’s just not a good singer. Hot. Yes.
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