Horror movie hardbodies to die for

Posted on 25 Oct 2016 at 8:43am

 

friv101716johnnydeppEvery horror movie spectator chooses one character as soon as the story starts to unfold that they hope will make it out alive — and for us gays, it’s usually the one who’s most physically appealing. We know full well they’ll be among the first to meet the business end of a machete, meat hook, saw, pitchfork, [enter your weapon of choice here] about halfway through (after sufficient skin time on screen, of course), but that doesn’t deter us from pining for them any less. It’s what make us, us.

Here, I’ve compiled some of the more memorable scary-movie standouts — some still alive and kickin’ by the end, some six feet under — to remind us all just how precious life is when there’s a killer on the loose, especially when you have a pretty face.

The Cast of The Covenant. It only took a decade for Hollywood to deliver the male equivalent of The Craft, and The Covenant didn’t disappoint – so long as you judge this proverbial book by its cover and not its content, anyway. The movie’s main characters — all too-cool-for-school, pre-Gossip Girl-esque locker jocks (one of whom, Dallas’ Chace Crawford, would actually fulfill that destiny a year later) — spend so time emerging from swimming pools and standing around dripping wet in their Speedos (between casting spells and killing people, of course) that you don’t even notice how bad the film really is. Alas, the guys’ combined powers couldn’t save this dud from a 3-percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes, ranking No. 31 on the site’s “Worst of the Worst,” but their svelte, college-bound torsos still got 10s across the board.

Johnny Depp, above. Before Johnny Depp’s career took a sharp right toward cinema’s quintessential character actor, he played boy-next-door types who fancied crop-topped football jerseys and exhibited serious lack of judgment in his choice of mentally compromised companions. As a result, he was dragged through his own mattress by Freddy Krueger’s iconic claws before being splattered across his bedroom ceiling in an eruption of blood — leaving you scarred for life for the past 30 years.

Mike Vogel. You knew Mike Vogel — he of incredible ass-dom (which explains how his career got the jump off as a Levi’s model) — wasn’t making it out of Leatherface’s clutches alive in 2003’s remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. On his return trip from Mexico to buy weed with his friends — a decision that only added insult to injury (drugs are bad, kids!) — the group was intercepted by one of horror’s ultimate villains by whom his leg was expeditiously chopped off before he was impaled on a meat hook to dry out like a bag of beef jerky.

friv101716mattbomerMatt Bomer. This flick, a prequel to 2003’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre — DOA among critics and fans alike — was the adorable Bomer’s second appearance on film after Flightplan, starring Jodie Foster. Despite succumbing to a chainsaw up the groin halfway through the movie, Bomer managed to grab screen time until the end … as Leatherface’s freshly skinned mask.

Selma Hayek. Queen vampire Santanico Pandemonium, played by Selma Hayek in Texas director Robert Rodriguez’s bloodbath of a cult hit From Dusk Till Dawn, wreaks havoc in more places than the movie’s Titty Twister strip club — like that special spot where lewd and lascivious intersect in every lesbian’s love box.

Jay Hernandez. Impossibly good-looking Jay Hernandez (Suicide Squad) barely made it out alive in director Eli Roth’s torture-porn magnum opus Hostel — sans a few fingers — and serves just deserts to the Dutch Businessman bent on keeping the Elite Hunting Club’s devious secrets safe. But despite surviving the hellish events of the first film, Hernandez reprises his role briefly in Hostel 2 before losing his head — literally — in the first five minutes.

Ryan Phillippe. Phillippe, well-to-do and -on-the-eyes resident bad boy of I Know What You Did Last Summer (which, along with its ’90s predecessor Screa_, reinvigorated the slasher genre for a whole new generation), made homo boys in theaters across the country wiggle in their seats less for his dramatic stabbing during the annual Croaker Pageant and more for the locker-room scene where we were all treated to a little towel bulge and a generous helping of that terry-clothed ass.

Christian Bale. Listen, if you’re going to be hunted down by a naked chainsaw-wielding maniac, it might as well be a buff-as-ever Christian Bale. You know, right after he gets done satisfying your carnal proclivities and smackin’ you around a bit while he admires his own biceps. Best Saturday night you’ve ever had.

The cast of MTV’s Teen Wolf. OK, so MTV’s Teen Wolf isn’t a movie, but what it lacks in tight feature-length characterization and storytelling it more than makes up for in tight torso-ed supernatural creatures masquerading as students. Tyler Posey and Tyler Hoechlin, Dylan O’Brien and the Carver Twins all have proven themselves worthy of fanboy swoons, but at least in this article let’s all hail out-and-proud Colton Haynes, who became an object of our collective affection (for two seasons at least) as lacrosse team bully Jackson Whittemore — who can body check us any day.

— Mikey Rox

 

 

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