Ask Howard

Posted on 31 May 2013 at 10:15am

How to do what’s wrong right

Howard-Russell-logoHOWARD LEWIS RUSSELL  | Special Contributor
askhoward@dallasvoice.com

Dear Gayward,
First off, man, are you incapable of answering any relevant questions that don’t involve either penises or perversions? Secondly, why does your column focus on stuff only to do with homosexual, helter-skelter hogwash? I have a totally non-sexual/non-gay question for you, if you don’t mind?

I work for a natural gas corporation here in North Texas that fracks shale. My partner, whenever he’s mad at me — which seems to be all the time — has taken lately to calling me by the snarky nickname of, “EW,” short for, Environment Whore; or, when he’s really mad at me, he’ll pompously accuse me of being nothing but a clawing “MEOW,”—acronymic for, Methane Environmentally Oblivious Whore. I’ve noticed, though, that Daddy’s growling little tomcat sure does purr with happiness over my “environmentally oblivious” bacon I bring home for him to spend — and to think I actually left my wife for this thankless, Greenpeace twinkie twit? — Nicholas

Dear Whore Nicky,
First off, man, the “Gayward” thing is so already done, tired and spent. Please, girlfriend, I’ve gotten it a million times over by this point, and whatever adolescent shock value you were hoping to achieve just ain’t happening.

Secondly, just let Gayward here say, Nicolina, that any gentleman who can use alliteration the way you do, is a stud that can use me anytime: “Homosexual, helter-skelter hogwash?” Well, hot damn dog, and, how-dee-do!

Thirdly, man, I’m sure what you grammatically meant to ask me is: “Gayward, are you capable of answering any questions of relevance that don’t involve either erections or impiety?” Your answer, EW, is, yes, and I am especially capable of answering anything tossed at me by a claw-wielding MEOW.

Fourthly, Nicolette, please do clarify, if you would, exactly what is this “non-sexual/non-gay question” you wished to ask of this advice columnist that does not “involve either penises or perversions,” but which involves you abandoning your marriage for a “thankless, twinkie twit?”

Finally, I’d say your ex-wife is a lucky, lucky woman.

 

Dear Howard,
What is a “neg bugchaser?” I’ve been seeing this term a lot lately on some of the cruising sites, but nobody ever explains what it actually means. Am I, as a totally out-and-proud gay Christian man, supposed to just automatically know what a “neg bugchaser” is, or am I just truly stupid? — Don

Oh, Dear, Dear Don Juan,
I wouldn’t necessarily call you truly stupid; but truly, hello? What 21st century pickup sites are you trawling around in with your Disneyfied innocence as to not know what bugchasers are, in this day and age?

A “bugchaser” engages in unprotected sex with HIV-positive men for the exclusive purpose of hoping himself to become infected with HIV.

Oh, and spoiler alert! The term “neg bugchaser” is a redundant pursuit, as the only people actually referencing themselves as bugchasers (“neg” or otherwise) are already infected.

Therefore, the inside joke (if there is one) is solely on those individuals who get off on the phantasmagorical fantasy blast [literally] of promising “conversion” to someone who’s not previously “converted” already —nobody advertising himself as a “neg bugchaser” is still neg … or will be for long.

Have a question — about etiquette, love, life or work — that needs to be answered? Email your problem to AskHoward@Dallasvoice.com and he may answer it!

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition May 31, 2013.

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