Ask Howard

Posted on 25 Apr 2014 at 7:40am

How to do what’s wrong right

_Howard-Russell-logoHOWARD LEWIS RUSSELL  | Special Contributor
askhoward@dallasvoice.com

Dear Howard,
My stupid, Jesus-freak boyfriend — a pet supplies’ retail wizard by weekday and drag queen by weekend nights — always tells me there are just two types of people:  the “true believers” and the “illusionists.” Every time I ask him what he even means by this, he usually just adjusts his wig tighter and clucks, “It’s a long road fraught with peril to slay Babylon.” I mean, Howard, WTF? — Bryan

Dear Bryan,
OK, I’m gonna do this one short and not sweet at all:  Your answer, Bryan, lies hidden in plain sight within only the second word of your very question to me . . . “stupid.” In other words, stupid, you’re not even remotely deserving of your “retail wizard/drag queen” boyfriend. After all, have you ever even once asked yourself just what kind of decent spouse refers to his own boyfriend as “stupid?;” or, to quote Revelation 14:8, “Ruined, ruined, Great Babylon ruined! She made all the nations drunk on the wine of her whoring.”

Dear Howard,
What do you know, if anything, Sir, about gemstones and their healing properties? I have a question about muldovite: My main man just gave me an anniversary pendant made of this stuff.  The stone is a weird green color, sort of like a bleached-out Heineken bottle, but all jaggedy and bumpy-looking, totally shapeless and not particularly pretty at all, but he insists it brings fantastic luck to “star children” like me. Is my man being sincere, or has he just given me a piece of old broken glass on a chain? — Sam I Am

Dear Sam,
Moldavite, eh? . . . Wow! FYI, the gemstone your man gave you, Sam, is correctly spelled “moldavite,” as opposed to, “muldovite.” I can tell you this much about moldavite, dear star child — your man isn’t taking you for a fool: Moldavite is not only extremely rare, but it supposedly possesses extraordinary metaphysical properties:  Firstly, it’s only found in the Czech Republic, of all places (the term “moldavite” is derived from the Czech town of Moldauthein, from where the first described piece was discovered); secondly, moldavite is only formed by a meteorite impact; thirdly, moldavite is so rare, in fact, that in less than just 10 years from now, there will be virtually no appreciable amount of gem-grade remaining in the ground. You are fortunate, indeed, Sam I Am, to have landed that Moldavite Man of yours.

Dear Howard,
I’m 100 percent bisexual. For real, man. I’m not talkin’ 90 percent gay and 10 percent straight, either. Right down the middle, 50/50, I like guys and chicks in bed, equally. So, here’s the deal: My boyfriend just canceled a weekend Vegas trip on me due to some work thing that came up; but, he said I could go ahead and use the nonrefundable tickets to Le Reve he’d originally booked for the two of us, and for me to take my girlfriend there, instead. The thing is, though, these are VIP, champagne-seating tickets. My girlfriend knows I can’t afford VIP Vegas show tickets. She also does not know I have a boyfriend. Do I take the girlfriend and impress the hell out of her, but just be vague about the tickets being a gift, or had I better not run the risk of her asking too many questions and just say screw the free tickets altogether? — Jace

Dear Jace,
As you’ve undoubtedly discovered already, young Jace, girlfriends are always very expensive. Keep in mind, too, slick, that once you’ve taken the girlfriend on that first trip ever to Vegas, then whatever subsequent trip you squire her on must either match it in glamour, or, exceed it. In other words, you can’t take the girlfriend to, oh, Le Reve at The Wynn, and impress her with VIP seats, champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries, and then not followup ever forward with anything less than that on each subsequent traveling excursion you take her on. Once you show ‘em First Class, son, it’s gotta always stay First Class.

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