TO: Campaign O’Donnell
FROM: Truthful Productions Inc.
Subject: The candidate’s first commercial spot
Hey team! So excited you asked me to take a shot at this project!
Attached you will find a draft of the ad copy I think would really work for Christine. Basically I took a look at her record and crafted a script from what jumped out at me, based on both how prominent Ms. O’Donnell’s past involvement, as well as the potential real world impact that certain words and actions could have on Delaware voters. I know Ms. O’Donnell would like to run on her actual record rather than against silly asides about being a witch, a mid-’90s MTV appearances, her views on self-gratification, or the comment about loving meat too much to be a Buddhist. So this seems to be more of what she wants!
(*Note: I’ve included links to archived information, lest the candidate forget)
CHRISTINE (to camera): “I’m not a witch. I am, however, someone whose old organization, The SALT, used to dedicate large swaths of resources to “changing” gay people through some sort of spell unbeknownst to all credible bodies of science.
I’m nothing you’ve heard — but I very well may be what you’ve seen recorded by unflinching cameras or read in the inarguable archives culled from the unforgiving annals of print media.
I’m you, if you also once invoked Adolph Hitler to suggest that progressives have redefined “gay” to mean joyful and gleeful, before then moving on to say that “when we say that Ellen [Degeneres] is gay, we’re certainly not talking about her emotional well-being.”
None of us are perfect. Especially if you’re not heterosexual, which is why I tried to change people like Wade Richards.
But none of us can be happy with what we see all around us. Politicians who think spending, trading favors, and back room deals are the ways to stay in office. Scientists who think actual research about sexual orientation deserves precedence above junk science groups and personal faith convictions. Gay people who look into my very recent past and wonder why I led “Confronting False Sexual identities” seminars at conferences that also featured the soft soul stylings of one Jerry Falwell.
I’ll go to Washington and do what you’d do. And maybe I’ll again try to link a prominent gay person to child molestation, like I did back in the ’90s, when I led a D.C. press conference with the sole intent of stopping the United States’ first openly gay ambassador by peddling in far-right-crafted lies about his supposed ties to the “pedophile rights movement.”
I’m Christine O’Donnell and I approve this message.
I’m you. That is, if you too have a record that should make any LGBT person or straight ally to say, “wait a minute, hold up!”
It’s good, right? Can’t wait to hear your notes!!!
The Nonexistent Producer Who Exists in Jeremy’s Overactive Imagination
TO: Truthful Productions Inc.
FROM: Campaign O’Donnell
cc: Master Bates, Beetha Meet, Abra Cadabra, Bill Maher’s estranged cousin with the possibly good dirt on him, S. Palin
Subject: RE: The candidate’s first commercial spot
Not bad! However, we have decided to make a few edits. Hope you’ll agree that our changes are more politically viable:
I’m Christine O’Donnell, apparently, since her “I’m you” ad copy just implied that she is the embodiment of every United States citizen
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