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The ‘compliment’ of straighthood
November 17th, 2009I met a woman recently and a party and we were having a pleasant conversation when it came up that I am gay.
“REALLY?!” she exclaimed, eyes like saucers. “YOU’RE gay? I would NEVER peg you as gay! Never! You seem completely straight! … I mean, you could pass easily and no one would know. In a million years…” and it went on for several rounds. I just smiled and nodded and kinda wondered what to say.
“Uhhh… thank you, I guess. Although I hope not too many people think it,” I said. A few times.
Obviously, there were two messages here. (1) I thought you were straight and was hitting on you and wanted you to know you had a chance with me or other girls … just so you know; (2) most gay people SEEM gay but you don’t, and that is a good thing.
It was all well-intentioned, and flattering in a way, I guess, to be “complimented,” but how do you deal with a situation like that? What’s the response? Anyone?
November 17th, 2009 at 9:26 am
You reply with something like this, ” Humm, I just figured everyone was gay. You mean you are not a lesbian?”
November 17th, 2009 at 9:32 am
It’s not a compliment.
Who wants to be straight?
Just the thought of what’s between those female legs is enough to make me lose my appetite!
November 17th, 2009 at 10:56 am
I encounter this all the time.
Straight folks are completely caught off guard by a masculine gay man. They pass MANY of us on the street every day and take no notice of us because, shock-on-all-shock, we’re just like them.
They are so used to seeing us on TV and media as skinny little fem-boys, that it rocks their world that the stereotypes that THEY have set up for us are simply untrue. Some gay men are more feminine and some are more masculine – JUST LIKE STRAIGHT MEN & WOMEN. Now, to be sure, I love the fem-boys and certainly feel that if they are feminine, then that is who they are and that is who they should BE. Those who are obviously feminine have a MUCH harder time in society. And it is they who have in the past been in the forefront of fighting for equality. Because they can’t hide like a more masculine gay man would be able to. I don’t mean lying about who you are, but let’s face it – when I go out in a button-down shirt and jeans no one would look twice, but a more feminine gay man, dressed in more attention-grabbing attire, will receive nothing but abuse from straights as he goes about his day. I have seen it time and again with friends of mine.
But I digress, when someone tells me, bright-eyed and excited, that I ‘don’t seem gay’ or that I ‘act straight’ I simply say, ‘That’s too bad, because I though YOU were gay.’
And that is usually the end of it! ; )
November 17th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Montemalone, I guess that would mean women should want to be straight.
When people assume I’m straight, I always… oh, wait… no one ever assumes I’m straight.
November 17th, 2009 at 11:08 am
I don’t know whether it’s a compliment or not. It depends on her perception of gay and if she sees certain “gay” characteristics as negative in her eyes. I’ve been told on many occasions that I don’t “act black”. I usually take it as an insult b/c it implies that I don’t meet the stereotypes of blacks which are uneducated, uncouth, and criminal. I usually ask “so what is acting black?”. They usually start to explain. Then they stop and realize that the most racist things in the world are about to fly out of their mouth. So they shut up. I would just say next time that happens to you, which I’m sure it will, ask them “what is gay?”. I’m sure they’ll watch what they say next time they see you
November 17th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
As a straight man I learned a very long time ago to avoid compliments that are based on assumption. This ranks right up there with never telling a woman “You look great! When’s the baby due?” without her first telling you that she is in fact pregnant.
November 17th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Very true, Len. Arnold, you look great! When’s the baby due?
November 17th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Hey Arnold:
If you are indeed “straight acting” maybe I would date you. What do you look like? Any pics?
November 17th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
OMG. That’s hilarious.
November 17th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
@DFWMW: There are plenty of pix of me out there if you wanna gander. But what makes you think I want to be with someone who only likes me because I pass? It’s true, but what makes you THINK it. (Kidding, folks.)
November 17th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
I would have asked them for a bit of what they might be smoking.