What if Jesus had an Uzi? or The Christmas Story if the NRA and Ben Carson had anything to do with it

Posted on 21 Dec 2015 at 7:00am

jesus-gunDr. Ben Carson suggested in October the Holocaust may not have happened if Jews living in Europe had been armed. A few armed Jews would have done what the armies of France, Britain, Poland, Belgium, the Netherlands, Denmark and the Soviet Union couldn’t: stop Hitler.

So I was wondering, what if Jesus had an Uzi?

And not just Jesus. What about the parents?

When Joseph and Mary got to Bethlehem, there was no room at the inn.

Well, I think the good folks at the Ramada Bethlehem would have looked at the reservation book twice; Motel 6 would have kept the lights on for them; and the clerk at LaQuinta wouldn’t have turned them away or made them sleep in a stinkin’ manger had Mary and Joseph walked in armed for a massacre.

Unfortunately they didn’t and Jesus was born in a stable.

But what if the Maji had come bearing gifts? Real gifts.

And I don’t mean myrrh. What the hell is myrrh? Now the gold — that was useful. The frankincense? The myrrh? What the hell do you even do with that? If I had a kid and someone showed up with tree sap (myrrh is tree sap from a Commiphora tree or bush) my question to them would be: Uh, did you bring the receipt?

You know what would have been more useful? You know what they would have given if Ben Carson was one of the Maji? A semi-automatic weapon. It’s fun. It’s practical. And what kid doesn’t like playing with guns?

And why an Uzi, you ask? Good question.

Remember this was 2,000 years ago. Why not an M16 made by Colt or a Kalashnikov? Really? Colt is an American manufacturer, and America wasn’t even discovered back then. And Israel wasn’t trading with the Russians yet back then. The Maji may be a lot of things, but they’re not smugglers.

No, what would have been a more appropriate gift, rather than some home-grown frankincense, would have been a locally produced Uzi.

Fast forward about 33 years and three months and that whole Easter thing would have been different as well.

Let’s just say, there might have been a mob, and there may have been a cross, but Jesus wouldn’t have been on it. Instead, there would have been a bloodbath on the mall, and by that I mean Jerusalem’s lovely shopping street, the Via Dolorosa.

Fast forward another 33 years and like any Jewish person of the time, after a long, distinguished career as a preacher that would have ended with a university appointment at Bar-Ilan University or the Technion, Jesus would have retired and moved to Miami Beach. Miami Beach? Yes, remember, this was 2,000 years ago, long before developers ever dreamed of a Boca Raton.

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