Kathy’s night of honesty

Posted on 26 Jul 2007 at 5:07pm
By Daniel A. Kusner Life+Style Editor

At Bass Hall, Griffin pulled no punches, kept the dish fresh, dirty, hilarious



WELL-OILED COMEDY: At Bass Hall, Griffin reveled that Barbara Walters overcomes vaginal dryness with Astroglide.

Kathy Griffin must be at the top of her game. And it seems as she keeps on working, she just keeps getting funnier.

With yodeling and hip-hop beats, Gwen Stephani’s “Wind It Up” ushered in our favorite D-Lister, who was welcomed with a standing ovation in Fort Worth last Saturday. Surprisingly, the sold-out crowd was not mainly comprised of gay men. Griffin also attracts a healthy crowd of seemingly straight women.

Flouncing ironed-straight Cher-like extensions, Griffin began with local observations. Apparently some religious gathering was near Sundance Square, and a micro storm had just rolled in while the blistering Lone Star sun was still shining.

“Anyone stop at the prayer station on the way in? I saw people in red aprons and was like, “‘Oh, fuck. There must be a Christian convention.’ I guess we all needed something to do tonight. Where are my gay sinners?” Griffin asked her queer devotees.

“I love me some Texas,” she continued. “The red meat, the Tex-Mex, the weather. I swear, it’s the Seventh Sign of the Apocalypse: sunny on one block and thunder clouds across the street.”

Before she really got started, Griffin decided to “embarrass” a few audience members. Three sergeants dressed in boots and desert camouflage took the stage. A vociferous Bush hater and a detractor of the Iraqi war, Griffin is still one of the few celebs who has shown support of U.S. troops by flying Iraq to tour hospitals of wounded soldiers and perform for service members in Baghdad, Tikrit and Kuwait.

Later in the evening, she recounted Larry King’s 50th anniversary show when Bill Maher attempted to take a swipe at Griffin’s political-commentary license.

“Well, Bill. I’ve been to Iraq. How many times have you been there?” she shot back.

According to Griffin, the best Maher came up with was, “Well, I’ve been meaning to go.”

During her two-hour set, Griffin couldn’t wait to dish about her favorite new reality show, “Hey Paula.”

“I love that fucked-up little junky,” was how Griffin described Paula Abdul. “I’m not a pharmacist, but I think it’s a foundation of OxyContin and she just builds from there.”

Griffin then proclaimed Abdul as “Our New Whitney!”

“And don’t you love how she broke her nose because she tripped over her dog? Yeah her dog, Vicodin.” Griffin said. “Oh yes, people. Tonight is a night of honesty.”

“You know, I met Paula once. And up close, she looks really good. She doesn’t have that “‘Aaron Carter meth-skin’ look at all.”

From Abdul, Griffin effortlessly wove a succession of dishy anecdotes telling us in advance that she’ll get to “The View” later.

On Jim McGreevey’s wife during the “I’m a gay American” announcement: “She’s standing next to him in her knock-off Chanel suit and Xanaxed out of her gord.”

On Lance bass: “I knew him when he was fucking girls.”

On Paris Hilton: “I’ve met her a few times. And I’m here to tell you, she’s retarded.” “Also, the voice is a complete affectation no one is born talking like a dumb-ass stripper.”

One of Griffin’s juiciest Hollywood yarns was about “Girls Gone Wild” impresario Joe Francis. Griffin guesses that some brothers or boyfriends of exploited “wild girls” exacted their revenge on Francis, “That rapist billionaire.I hate that asshole,” Griffin said.

In 2004, Francis was abducted at gunpoint and allegedly blackmailed. Griffin said Francis “was shoved in the trunk of his Rolls Royce. And then they videotaped him shoving a dildo up his ass while telling the camera “‘I’m a dirty little girl.’”

Saving the best for last, Griffin showered praised on her pal Rosie O’Donnell and explained how she was caught in the eye of the storm filling in on “The View” the day after Rosie’s last appearance.

Griffin also recalled how San Antonio-based actor Thomas Hayden Church describes Elisabeth Hasselbeck: “She’s a deadly combo of airhead and crazy.”

The makeup room of “The View” is Griffin’s favorite place. On air, Barbara Walters never hides her disdain for Griffin, however, backstage the co-panelists are less inhibited. A recent group discussion volleyed the topic of menopausal vaginal dryness. Trying to rip the rug out from Walters, Griffin teased Babs by saying she’s not afraid of a little K-Y jelly.

For the night’s last punch line, Griffin remembered how Walters leaned over and said, “Well, I prefer Astroglide.”

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition July 27, 2007

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