Pam Ann is a throwback to the glam life of flight attendants, but with the sassy-funny mouth of a hip and modern comedian
Majestic Theatre, 1925 Elm St.,
$32-$64, Oct. 20 at 8 p.m.
Looking like she just stepped out of a 1960s airline ad, Pam Ann (the alter ego of comedian Caroline Reid) mixes raunchy humor with Australian moxie. She’s gained momentum with The Pam Ann Show on Aussie TV and hosted Australian Mardi Gras 2009 — which automatically puts her in favor with Down Under gays. Right now, her designer is preparing a new uniform and she’s dealing with a paranoid roommate, convinced the police are coming for his one vial of cocaine.
The flashback flight attendant, complete with poly-based garb and big hair, has a layover in Dallas this weekend — just enough time to hijack the Majestic Theatre’s stage for some laughs. She’s ready to take over the States and "bring fabulousness back to flying." But is Dallas ready for her?
Dallas Voice: Have you been to Dallas before? I came to Dallas in 1999 for a travel doc for an Australian company. I was so angry because there was this big lock on my mini-bar. It was a "no drinking" area. What the fuck? But I worked for every airline in Dallas. I went to some bar that was like out in the country. I think it was a saloon. That’s my Dallas experience.
The Round-Up? Yes, that’s it! Wow.
Is Dallas ready for a Pam Ann layover? Dallas has been ready for a layover for a long time. The hair is bigger than my hair. I’ll need to have a hair-off when I get there.
Your hair will fit right in …. How do you describe your humor? Verbal abuse, mostly.
You’re a big star in Australia. Are you ready to go global? People say I’m a star, but if I am I don’t know about it. I don’t think they know me here in the frontier. [Israel's] El-Al Airlines doesn’t know me. Air Kuwait might not know. Oh, but North Korea knows who I am — I helped them with their missile launchers over Japan.
Oh, you know how Clinton helped those girls out of Korea? I was there helping him with that. I was washing out the cum stains.
Nice. What do you think of the current president? I think Obama is so hot — you are so lucky to have him. That sexy wife of his is probably fucking him really hard. I bet he’s got a big one.
Did you know that George W. Bush moved to the Dallas area? You poor fucking things. Is he nice?
I don’t know, I’ve never met him. He seems to keep quiet socially. I feel a bit sorry for him, that poor fucking thing. I’m sure people walk up to his door and knock or ring the bell and run away. Poor George Bush.
Oh my gosh, I saw this sign in Connecticut saying, "Welcome to Connecticut, the birthplace of the Bush family" or something like that. I was just laughing, thinking do they really want that as their tourism interests.
I saw that you are on the Atkins Diet. How is that going for you? I have a fat ass. But black boys think I’m in petite.
You know you’ll just miss the State Fair here. The big attraction was fried butter. Fried butter? You gays there must be just turning. I bet the gays there are all about no carbs. In Scotland, they have these fried Mars bars. Deep-fried Mars bars!
Speaking of, how do you feel about your gay audiences? The gays come in just to see cock, but that’s O.K. I love the gays. I was watching football with my gay friend and it all clicked. The tights, the roughhousing — I was even getting turned on. But he didn’t know a damn thing what was going on.
Is your favorite movie A View From the Top? I don’t like Gwyneth. I’m always like, "Oh God, do I really have to watch her?" A total insipid lick-Stella-McCartney’s-ass … but Candice Bergen — I liked her. The film was boring. I prefer to watch Soul Plane.
Isn’t LeAnn Rimes from Dallas?
Yes, Garland actually. Leann Rimes is a dirty whore. Isn’t she cheating on her husband or something? I’m sure she played with Barbie dolls until just last year. I wouldn’t be surprised if she still sleeps in a single bed. She’s so strange to me. Wasn’t she molested?
Uhh, I don’t really know. These young starlets were all molested. They all say, "I don’t know how it happened." When I was molested at 12, I knew what I was doing. What other celebrities do you have?
I think Chuck Norris still lives here. Chuck Norris? My brother used to love Chuck Norris! Chuck Norris was abusive to my childhood. My brother would watch those karate movies and then practice on me!
So, are all male flight attendants gay? Oh yes. You know, these gay flight attendants are funny. You have to think, if there was a terrorist on board, they are the barriers! I guess I would be, too.
Are you prepared to battle hijackers? Yes. You know, they stuff all these knives and stuff when all you need is vodka and some matches. Or you need a Tag Heuer watch, some Elizabeth Arden, pull it, shake it and chuck it down. I just hate all these new rules. You can’t take mascara? Fucking thank you for looking out!
Can we go back to using "stewardess?" I think stewardess is a male gay term with a big emphasis on the "ess." I like the term "air hostess" —anything but flight attendant. Attending what? A toilet? No thanks.
Are you a member of the Mile High Club? Founded it.
Wow. O.K., so any more thoughts about coming back to Dallas? I wanna meet those ladies from, I think it used to be Braniff Airlines? I’d like to meet some of the old Braniff crew. Mostly because I want one of those helmets they used to wear. And I can’t wait for the big gay hospitality. I’d love some fried butter.
You think you’ll go back to the Round-Up? I will be there rounding up all the gays!
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition October 16, 2009.