Did I really just stop jerking off to lesbian wrestling for this? Ugh. Alright… so this week marks episode number whatever of She-cat Gutter Heat (aka The A-List: New York – "A show for families"). If you haven't been watching, Lord please don't start now. But if you simply must, here's a quick recap. Austin and Reichen wanna fuck, but Reichen's boyfriend Rodiney and everyone else are like "Nuh-uh, no you din't." That's literally everything that's happened over the entire season of this miserable little show.
9:02 PM CST – The gays decide to have a tete-a-tete in their natural habitat: a hair salon. Mike is such close friends with Ryan that he's never even been to his dumb salon. But girlffriend needs Ryan to cut that wet mop on his head. It looks like a wet cat and sea kelp mated and had a love baby on his head. Seriously, gurl… tragic.
Reichen complains that his boyfriend Rodiney misunderstood his text to another man. Bright TJ, Ryan's hairdresser assistant says, "Does Rodiney not understand? I mean, English IS his second language." Um, yeah because a text message saying, "I loved having your dick in my mouth" is so ambiguous.
9:06 PM CST – Poor dumb Reichen is waiting for Rodiney to text him back so they discuss their post break-up living arrangements (because that wicker laundry hamper and hanging lantern from World Market are really worth fighting over. But Rodiney is busy having a par-tay in Miami getting comforted by a girl who has bat wings for eye-lashes. Hell, if underwear modeling Rodiney needs female comfort, we'll get breast implants. His friends in Miami are so close to him that they refuse to hear about his breakup that just happened.
Meanwhile back in Reichen's man stanky bed, the past few days have been a really hard couple of days for Reichen… like, really hard, especially when Austin comes over in the one wifebeater he owns and drinks champagne in bed with him. Very very hard… like priapic.
9:10 PM CST – Commercial: The only way Julia Stiles would only fuck herself if she could first get drunk and mock her career choices first.
9:11 PM CST – Commercial: Do Lysol's kitchen wipe also work on manholes?
9:14 PM CST – Finally we get a shot of Rodiney in a bikini and his bulge is obscene! Yellow sausage bikini time!!! CHORIZO MAXIMO!!! Aye, yai, yai!!! I'm surprised they didn't bluer it out like they blurred out Austin's buttcrack two episodes ago. But we love that Rodiney's living like a superstar while Reichen rots in bed and watches his play go to hell.
9:16 PM CST – BRUNCH SCENE!!!! (Fucking finally, I could kill a baby for a Bloody Mary). TJ, Ryan's waify assistant doesn't have any problem with Austin personally he just doesn't want to be in the same house with him ever. Which is why he doesn't want to go to Austin's lake house in Maine. What's that, Ryan? You need TJ to stay in New York and do some more bitch errands? Problem solved.
But even though TJ and Derek are one brain shared between two twinks, Reichen and TJ are of one mind as well, especially when it comes to wanting to hump Austin's butt. What better thing to talk about over brunch? Certainly not DADT or ENDA or the recent elections or negative gay stereotypes perpetuated over reality shows that make you dumber by watching them.
Meanwhile in an alleyway next to a porn and meth shop in the West Village, TJ and Derek share a sneaky kitten laugh plotting to go to Reichen's lakehouse just to make fun of fat girl Austin over his head. Little does Derek know that TJ only wants to go the lakehouse so he can get first crack at Austin's crack before Reichen moves in.
9:20 PM CST – Commercial: Let the creepy dead voice of a disembodied child sell you jeans.
9:23 PM CST – Commercial: All elves need Christmas magic… even the Jewish ones. SANTA DEMANDS IT. HAIL SANTA!!! And talking about creepy commercials, here's the one about the Android cell phone that will turn Frosty the Snowman into KILLBOT 3000!!!
9:25 PM CST – The A-List word of the day is "brown out" which they say is like a lighter version of black out. But we bottoms who know better know that a REAL brown out is much much worse. Kinda like what happens to Spud the morning after in Trainspotting (hint: poo sheets).
Personally, we think the word of the day should be what TJ said earlier, "Vagenius." Thinking smart with your cooch.
9:27 PM CST – Rodiney returns from Miami do to a fashion shoot Auntie Mike who has made an unprecedented THIRD appearance in this show which is kinda like touching a unicorn three times (IT NEVER HAPPENS). Apparently while Rodiney was busy having an amazing life in Miami. Reichen's butthole blew up Rodiney's phone with needy booty texts.
Rodiney does a fashion shoot with DJ Tracy Young. Mike styles them in such a way that makes Rodiney look like a woman and Tracy Young look like a very tall drag queen. Of course, Rodiney is only 3 foot 7. If you hit him over the head with a stick, he turns into a pile of gold coins (thanks Patton Oswald).
9:29 PM CST – When Rodiney finally deigns to come back to their soulless apartment full of grey colored furniture, Reichen apologizes with all the compassion of a styrofoam carry out container. He apologizes. He's veruy sorry that Rodiney has never given him a chance to express how he feels in his incoherent All-American mumble speak. Are we the only people in all of gaydom that doesn't believe reichen one IOTA when he says he has't cheated?
9:34 PM CST – Commercial: Finally, a commercial that's teamed Weezer with AXE body spray proving once and for all that Weezer's second album Pinkerton wasn't a legendary album that defined my teenage years, but a shamelss cash grab that I misunderstood.
9:36 PM CST – LOGO Promo: Every episode of RuPaul's Drag Race is the Halloween episode, especially with RuPaul's maniacal cackle.
9:37 PM CST – The producers have obviously forced frenemies Austin and Derek/TJ (the Girls with One Brain) to kiss and make up while drunk, so they can get into a fight in a few weeks and stop being friends all over again. Shut up! IT'S GOOD PROGRAMMING! THE FORMULA WORKS. WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING???!!!!11!!
At their make-up drink Ryan and TJ scold Austin for acting like a Fire Islander while at Fire Island. Derek wears an Ellen Degeneres vest with no shirt underneath and TJ wears a a filthy white shirt that looks like it was used to clean up a Brooklyn urinal.
9:41 PM CST – Things go well with Derek and TJ congratulating Austin on his dastardly plan to be Reichen's rebound manpussy. Well that is… UNTIL RODINEY SHOW UP and begins weaving his evil Brazilian spells over Reichen's heart with a 99-cent rose! Austin gives his totally unbi-assed opinion that Rodiney and Reichen shouldn't be dating. Rodiney responds by imitating Austin's nasally voice, but sadly you can actually understand Rodiney better when he's talking like that — like no subtitles needed!
9:45 PM CST – Commercial: A man walks on his hands across New York City to encourage you to learn CPR. Sadly we're sure he got severe hand-gonnoreah and had to have them cut off. Moments later, a baby seal started choking on one of Austin's condoms and the handless CPR man couldn't do anything but shed a single tear.
9:48 PM CST – Reichen invites TJ and Ryan to "a shit show" where all the men will drink and Austin will insult Rodiney and the two grown men will get in a fight. This will be the show's "moral lesson."
Austin says that he totally doesn't want to fuck Rodiney because he's engaged to some random piece of British scrub. Nevermind that he has spent the entire season wanting to fuck Reichen. Anyway, Reichen and Rodiney walk in puppy-eyed love to announce to their friends that THEY'RE TOTALLY IN LOVE!!! OMG YOU GUYS, LIKE WOW!!!
Ummm… Reichen, these people are not you're friends. These are people that producers introduced you to three months ago.
Austin is seething, partially out of being cock-blocked on national TV and partially because of the realization that he took all that Cialis tonight for nothing.
9:53 PM CST – Commercial: A Latina woman would like to talk about finances using an extended "box" metaphor. She would like to make a couple of of long-term deposits and quick withdrawals from your box. Like, right now. She's gonna organize the fuck out of your box… like crazy. Do you like kids, slut?
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