Some ‘visions’ of the possibilities of 2016
For me 2015 was not a bad year — if you take out the whole heart attack thing and seeing several friends pass on, and the entire 2015 pre-election kerfuffle.
So with that in mind, I would much rather look into the future.
Now, I hate predictions since there is some expectation of them coming true. Additionally, they can be fact checked the following year, making me look more foolish than usual. So here are my “visions” for 2016:
• The crystal ball shows me a man … he is painting. His work is “primitive,” but it keeps him occupied. And that’s a good thing since he is a prisoner.
Those “W” paintings will someday fetch fortunes, as they were painted during his incarceration for war crimes when he forgot he had a standing warrant for his arrest in Kuala Lumpur. Should never have taken that paid speaking gig in Malaysia; it was a ruse.
• I see in the cards that local preacher and noted anti-LGBT activist Robert Jeffress will come under pressure from his congregation to “lighten up” on the rhetoric, since the entire music department walked out of First Baptist Church during one of his anti-gay tirades.
• The spirits tell me that as a further concession to Kentucky clerk Kim Davis, the governor of that state will require that all same-sex marriages to be performed “in tongues.”
• I have a vision that shows me Texas’ U.S. Rep. “Louie” Gohmert Jr. being investigated by the Department of Homeland Security. The search reveals that he is actually a foreign-born national from the United Arab Emirates and never actually applied for citizenship.
He admits the charges are true, comes out as a “secret Muslim,” and attempts to institute Sharia Law in Texas. His effort fails because he cannot read enough Arabic to grasp the basic concepts and cannot read enough English to write the proposed change in the law.
• The crystal ball almost shatters when Ted Nugent, alleged singer and affirmed “ammosexual,” accidentally shoots himself in the foot, both metaphorically and physically, while brandishing an assault rifle and ranting about Obama coming to get his gun. Ironically the accident happened at a White House reception where, in a gesture of reconciliation, President Obama had just presented Nugent with the firearm as a gift.
• I see, in 2016, the National Geographic Magazine — recently acquired by Rupert Murdock — discontinuing inclusion of maps in its publication that might give the impression that the earth is round. Similarly, Fox News is forced to change its name to Fox “News” (in quotation marks) by a court ruling declaring that the word “news” actually applies only to events and reporting that is factual and verifiable.
Fox then attempts to copyright the use of quotation marks but is thwarted by Microsoft, which already added any word in quotation marks to its list of products like “Word,” “Paint” and “Notepad.”
• Finally, as the crystal ball begins to dim, I see a man with bright yellow hair. His orange complexion looks like he has overdosed on beta-carotene, and is matched only by the orange jumpsuit he is wearing. Seems “The Donald” has run afoul of the IRS: His latest hotel was built entirely by undocumented aliens and was financed by chain letters sent to his gullible political supporters.
There may be more in store for 2016, but for now the crystal ball has dimmed. In the words of Maria Ouspenskaya, “Cross my palm with silver if you want to hear more.”
Hardy Haberman is a longtime local LGBT activist and board member for the Woodhull Freedom Alliance. His blog is at DungeonDiary.blogspot.com.
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition January 1, 2016.