Blowjobs, Botox, and Betrothal: What Happened In The A-List: New York’s Cast Reunion?

The Revenge of Drunk Stereotypes The A-List: New York was a mind-rotting piece of reality TV candy, but fearless Wendy Williams decides to unwrap one last piece and see how many licks it takes to get to the questions that have plagued us intelligence-swindled viewers, like what the eff is up with Mike's dirty mop hair and which characters besides Reichen and Rodiney want to sleep with each other?

This time, NYC party promoter Robert Maril (aka DJ Executive Realness of 21st Century Life) covered the cast reunion madness with Queerty contributor Daniel Villarreal adding some spice to the stew.

9:01 PM - Well, I've used my Midwestern Liberal Arts school education to shotgun 14 beers, so I"m ready for this Wendy Wiliams-hosted reunion. Are you? Start drinking. Now. It's our first cartoonish "How you durrin!?" of the evening. First line spoken. This is going to be good.

9:02 PM – Ryan is wearing "individuals," meaning a very fancy kind of fake eyelashes. In regards to Reichen's a capella DADT pop masterpiece, Reichen says that he also another "really amazing song" coming out that comes from the "heart." Whatever that means, hopefully his heart carries a better tune than his throat.

9:03 PM – Right off the bat, Wendy brings up the fact that Austin came to NYC supposedly single, and brings up his constant, unrequested nudity weight gain. Austin smirks and mentions how he doesn't care about what anyone thinks of his cottage cheese ridden ass, but oh wait… didn't he want to be a model?

9:04 PM – Reichen watches his two girlfriends (Rodiney and Austin) discuss the trials and tribulations of fighting over America's bottom. Reichen's stone-faced reaction might just be shock, but it might be the Botox.

Wendy seems completely shocked by these queens' behavior, indicating that not even in the Harlem beauty shop has she ever seen such behavior.

9:05 PM - Seriously, did Ryan think that he was playing the MC from Cabaret tonight? He's made up like a Weimar Republic hooker.

9:07 PM - Wendy is not buying for a MOMENT that Austin is trustworthy and completely calls him out. This woman isn't taking shit from NOBODY. HOW YOU DURRIN!

9:08 PM - The best part of this reunion so far are Wendy's reactions. She keeps mugging for the camera like, DIG THESE QUEENS.

9:09 PM - Yawn, we have to hear about R&R's on-again off-again relationship after the break. Is it too late to start watching Good Eats?

9:14 PM - Wendy asks if R&R's relationship is open. They begin to stutter and she says, "So you have SEX with other guys." Thank you for clarifying, Wendy. She's seriously the coolest person on this stage. All the other queens get on their HIGH HORSE about having an open relationship. Rodiney desperately tries to explain why having a sexually-open relationship works for them but the boys are not having it. They're all SO MORAL!

9:16 PM - Why does anybody keep giving Austin a platform to criticize R&R's relationship? Especially since Austin is pretend dating some long-distance piece of English ass that he never sees but supposedly loves enough to marry. Sadly, the fact that Austin's in this cast reunion answers the brain-shattering question of whether or not he'll leave NYC and move to New York. Gawd Austin is terrible. Wait, am I somehow just realizing that Austin is terrible? Welcome to The A-List.

9:17 PM - People keep accusing Rodiney of being a gold-digger, but I really don't think Reichen HAS that much money. Right? Like, does he have a job? I mean, besides being fired from My Big Stupid Gay Musical, peddling jewelry that will get gay men kicked out of the military, and placing his raspy chicken noises onto the occasional song track? Oh Reichen, if you need a job, we have a couple of jobs for you in our apartment.

9:19 PM - Austin acuses Rodiney of being a prostitute, inexplicably… which is funny because apart from modeling, Austin has no job either. In fact, we're pretty sure that Ryan and Mike are the only ones with actual jobs. TJ works as Ryan's manservant but it's probably just to keep another skinny, pasty, talentless waif off the Chelsea piers. How compassionate of Ryan to extend such charity to someone so hairless and undeserving.

9:19 PM - Oh, according to Austin, Rodiney is a "fucking retard." VERY good. What is that line about hating in others what we despise in ourselves? How low is your IQ, Austin.

9:23 PM - Ryan and Derek storm off the stage for a cigarette break. I guess that means it's time to shotgun another Corona! A-List New York, you can expect the bill from my liver specialist.

9:25 PM - Wendy asks, "Is Derek obnoxious or just saying what's on peoples' minds?" I'm voting obnoxious. We're getting a highlight reel of Derek's most horrible moments, but since I've seen them I choose to concentrate on the evolution and slimming of his eyebrows. Wendy asks Derek about his "love life," meaning the two dates he went on with Roberto. No surprises here, he's still single. And here I thought you COULD attract more flies with vinegar.

9:30 PM - 30 minutes into the program, Wendy asks Mike Ruiz—who hasn't spoken the entire show—what he's doing here. I personally believe that he was roofied before signing the contract to be on the show. All his appearances throughout the entire season could barely fill a 45-minute show.

Wendy asks Mike about his floppy hair, which I always HATED. Mike calls it his "merkin," which makes me adore him even more. Then Wendy tries to make Mike admit who he'll sleep with of the five. His answer? NO ONE. Good answer, Merkin. But seriously how did you manage to say it without first saying, "Sleep with these guys? Ewww…. gross."?

9:34 PM - Then in a surprising turn of good taste, Austin says what all of us have been thinking all season and admits that he'd like to sleep with Rodiney. Why? Because Rodiney has a great body and "it's very large." Get that kitty punched, girlfriend. Maybe Austin has been trying to break up Rodiney and Reichen all this time just so he could be Rodiney's rebound hatefuck. That boy gets smarter every episode (and by "smarter" I mean "more shameless").

9:36 PM - It's time to dissect Ryan, which will be decidedly more enjoyable than Derek's best-of reel. Wow, he's really accomplished for his trademark *WINK* Wendy counts up at least 30! There'd probably be more if his black sugar daddy wasn't so super-supportive of his Botox addiction. "Whatever you need to do for you, baby." I imagine that Ryan's invisible black husband looks and speaks just like Lester the Sugar Daddy from Hedwig.

9:40 PM - When asked if he and Derek have ever slept together (I vomit into a paper cup) Ryan answers, "No—because two bottoms don't make a top." I up-check just a bit though it's a rare moment of humor/levity/realness. I think that Derek and TJ have probably hooked up once or twice before — two skeletons in heat.

Even though Ryan totally gets overshadowed by these other psycho hose-beasts he's been one of the most consistent and compassionate queens on the entire show. He got Rodiney to admit that he and Reichen bareback, let Rodiney cry on his shoulder, convinced him to come to the lakehouse, consoled R&R after Rodiney's fight with Austin, and even told Reichen how unfairly he treats Rodiney. He's not perfect but he's as closer to the Rodiney and Mike side of the likability scale than the rest of those scaly urinal trolls.

9:41 PM - Ick, TJ and his crazy red-brown-blonde-shaved-swirled-spiked hair joins the panel. He also seems to be wearing "individuals." Work those lashes, gurl! Then use 'em as bat wings to fly back to whatever Brooklyn twink roost you flew in from. TJ talks to Wendy about how beautiful Ryan and his Sugar Daddy's relationship is and begins to tear up. I get really, really creeped out when TJ cries. It's like when the mean girl on the playground finally broke down.

9:46 PM - AND we're back. Wendy asks TJ what it is about Austin he doesn't trust. Apparently, Austin has been lying about his relationship with Reichen. Doy. Wendy asks if Austin and "kissed with tongues swirling." Soon after she asks, "Have you performed oral sex on one another?" direct quote. I LOVE YOU, WENDY WILLIAMS. How you durrin?

Apparently, they haven't. Yawn.

Of course, they're probably both just saying that so that they can have a shot at sleeping with Rodiney again before they die. (Rodiney, call me! My kitten needs punching too!)

9:50 PM - We're now treated to a "highlight" (and i do use that word loosely) reel of Austin and Reichen's "relationship" (meaning, all the times that Reichen has stared at Austin's fat booty). Watching the reel, Austin begins to "cry". Again. Except that Wendy says to Austin, "Everyone cries differently, but I don't see any water." SNAP.

What Wendy doesn't realize is that Austin only cries McDonald's fry grease and he didn't have time to down a Super Sized #4 before the taping.

9:52 PM - Mike Ruiz asks — wait, he's still here? — why it's so important to Austin that Rodiney and Reichen break up. Seriously, sister, go back to your new "home" in "london" with your "fiance." Get a LIFE.

Then Reichen and his flaccid genitals reiterate to Austin how much he needs him in his life — how much he misses him. I mean, ICK! Am I misremembering that they were happily "friends" for like 3 weeks 3 years ago? And since then it's been nothing but turmoil and a weird, crazy-peacock mating ritual? Ick.

They are Katy Perry's target demographic.

9:53 PM - Wendy promises a SHOCKING REVELATION after the break! My money is either that TJ isn't really a redhead or that Ryan is intersexed. Anyone? Anyone?

9:56 PM - And the shocking revelation is… special guest… Jake. Austin's fiance/boyfriend/WHAT THEY GOT MARRIED?!! Wendy is the only one clapping, as everyone else on stage stares dumbfounded. Austin starts to cry because he's only been faithful and honest with his husband (ahem, OK… but unless those wedding pictures were Photoshopped, we can say with veracity that he is indeed married). God, we need to subtitle this Jake person—his heavy Welsh accent mangles English in a way not even Rodiney is capable of.

Wendy asks Reichen what he thinks about this marriage. He wishes them the best, but I can see in his eyes that his dick has gone up inside his body.

Wendy sums it up best: "That's it."

Yes indeed, that's it.


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That’s Gay: The A-List Interview

Joe. My. God.

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What Went Down On The Season Finale Of The A-List: New York?

A friend of mine recently told me that The A-List's Rodiney Santiago is a mean-spirited, dumb as rocks diva whose number one relationship issue with Reichen is that they're both bottoms. I like Rodiney (and not just because he's hiding a man-hammer in those briefs the producers force him to wear every episode). I find him as endearing as a Golden Retriever with a brain tumor and after watching this circus of shame for an entire season, I finally stumbled upon an essay which nails why Rodiney's the only likable character in this entire meat-puppet show:

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How Can The Cast Of A-List: New York Say ‘It Gets Better’ When They Bully Other Gays?

Well isn't MickeyRants the eloquent youngster! If you happened to tune in to last night's episode of A-List: New York, you'll know exactly what he's talking about: The cast "presents a poor image to gay youth," but on YouTube they're "trying to promote anti-gay bullying." A half dozen queens manage to escape childhood without killing themselves because of classmate torment, only to turn into sniping gay adults who call each other fat, talk shit behind each other's back, and force an unrealistic idea of beauty and status upon other gays. "When you grow up, you little gay depressed teenagers, you can deal with people like me. I'll judge you, don't worry. You don't have to have the homophobes judge you, we will." Maybe Ronnie Kroell was on to something. Or maybe LOGO's gays are just as guilty as MTV's straights in exploiting the It Gets Better campaign.

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NOW PLAYING: Join The A-List: New York Live Blog!

Did I really just stop jerking off to lesbian wrestling for this? Ugh. Alright… so this week marks episode number whatever of She-cat Gutter Heat (aka The A-List: New York – "A show for families"). If you haven't been watching, Lord please don't start now. But if you simply must, here's a quick recap. Austin and Reichen wanna fuck, but Reichen's boyfriend Rodiney and everyone else are like "Nuh-uh, no you din't." That's literally everything that's happened over the entire season of this miserable little show.

 

 

9:02 PM CST - The gays decide to have a tete-a-tete in their natural habitat: a hair salon. Mike is such close friends with Ryan that he's never even been to his dumb salon. But girlffriend needs Ryan to cut that wet mop on his head. It looks like a wet cat and sea kelp mated and had a love baby on his head. Seriously, gurl… tragic.

Reichen complains that his boyfriend Rodiney misunderstood his text to another man. Bright TJ, Ryan's hairdresser assistant says, "Does Rodiney not understand? I mean, English IS his second language." Um, yeah because a text message saying, "I loved having your dick in my mouth" is so ambiguous.

9:06 PM CST - Poor dumb Reichen is waiting for Rodiney to text him back so they discuss their post break-up living arrangements (because that wicker laundry hamper and hanging lantern from World Market are really worth fighting over. But Rodiney is busy having a par-tay in Miami getting comforted by a girl who has bat wings for eye-lashes. Hell, if underwear modeling Rodiney needs female comfort, we'll get breast implants. His friends in Miami are so close to him that they refuse to hear about his breakup that just happened.

Meanwhile back in Reichen's man stanky bed, the past few days have been a really hard couple of days for Reichen… like, really hard, especially when Austin comes over in the one wifebeater he owns and drinks champagne in bed with him. Very very hard… like priapic.

9:10 PM CST - Commercial: The only way Julia Stiles would only fuck herself if she could first get drunk and mock her career choices first.

9:11 PM CST - Commercial: Do Lysol's kitchen wipe also work on manholes?

9:14 PM CST - Finally we get a shot of Rodiney in a bikini and his bulge is obscene! Yellow sausage bikini time!!! CHORIZO MAXIMO!!! Aye, yai, yai!!! I'm surprised they didn't bluer it out like they blurred out Austin's buttcrack two episodes ago. But we love that Rodiney's living like a superstar while Reichen rots in bed and watches his play go to hell.

9:16 PM CST - BRUNCH SCENE!!!! (Fucking finally, I could kill a baby for a Bloody Mary). TJ, Ryan's waify assistant doesn't have any problem with Austin personally he just doesn't want to be in the same house with him ever. Which is why he doesn't want to go to Austin's lake house in Maine. What's that, Ryan? You need TJ to stay in New York and do some more bitch errands? Problem solved.

But even though TJ and Derek are one brain shared between two twinks, Reichen and TJ are of one mind as well, especially when it comes to wanting to hump Austin's butt. What better thing to talk about over brunch? Certainly not DADT or ENDA or the recent elections or negative gay stereotypes perpetuated over reality shows that make you dumber by watching them.

Meanwhile in an alleyway next to a porn and meth shop in the West Village, TJ and Derek share a sneaky kitten laugh plotting to go to Reichen's lakehouse just to make fun of fat girl Austin over his head. Little does Derek know that TJ only wants to go the lakehouse so he can get first crack at Austin's crack before Reichen moves in.

9:20 PM CST - Commercial: Let the creepy dead voice of a disembodied child sell you jeans.

9:23 PM CST - Commercial: All elves need Christmas magic… even the Jewish ones. SANTA DEMANDS IT. HAIL SANTA!!! And talking about creepy commercials, here's the one about the Android cell phone that will turn Frosty the Snowman into KILLBOT 3000!!!

9:25 PM CST - The A-List word of the day is "brown out" which they say is like a lighter version of black out. But we bottoms who know better know that a REAL brown out is much much worse. Kinda like what happens to Spud the morning after in Trainspotting (hint: poo sheets).

Personally, we think the word of the day should be what TJ said earlier, "Vagenius." Thinking smart with your cooch.

9:27 PM CST - Rodiney returns from Miami do to a fashion shoot Auntie Mike who has made an unprecedented THIRD appearance in this show which is kinda like touching a unicorn three times (IT NEVER HAPPENS). Apparently while Rodiney was busy having an amazing life in Miami. Reichen's butthole blew up Rodiney's phone with needy booty texts.

Rodiney does a fashion shoot with DJ Tracy Young. Mike styles them in such a way that makes Rodiney look like a woman and Tracy Young look like a very tall drag queen. Of course, Rodiney is only 3 foot 7. If you hit him over the head with a stick, he turns into a pile of gold coins (thanks Patton Oswald).

9:29 PM CST - When Rodiney finally deigns to come back to their soulless apartment full of grey colored furniture, Reichen apologizes with all the compassion of a styrofoam carry out container. He apologizes. He's veruy sorry that Rodiney has never given him a chance to express how he feels in his incoherent All-American mumble speak. Are we the only people in all of gaydom that doesn't believe reichen one IOTA when he says he has't cheated?

9:34 PM CST - Commercial: Finally, a commercial that's teamed Weezer with AXE body spray proving once and for all that Weezer's second album Pinkerton wasn't a legendary album that defined my teenage years, but a shamelss cash grab that I misunderstood.

9:36 PM CST - LOGO Promo: Every episode of RuPaul's Drag Race is the Halloween episode, especially with RuPaul's maniacal cackle.

9:37 PM CST - The producers have obviously forced frenemies Austin and Derek/TJ (the Girls with One Brain) to kiss and make up while drunk, so they can get into a fight in a few weeks and stop being friends all over again. Shut up! IT'S GOOD PROGRAMMING! THE FORMULA WORKS. WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING???!!!!11!!

At their make-up drink Ryan and TJ scold Austin for acting like a Fire Islander while at Fire Island. Derek wears an Ellen Degeneres vest with no shirt underneath and TJ wears a a filthy white shirt that looks like it was used to clean up a Brooklyn urinal.

9:41 PM CST - Things go well with Derek and TJ congratulating Austin on his dastardly plan to be Reichen's rebound manpussy. Well that is… UNTIL RODINEY SHOW UP and begins weaving his evil Brazilian spells over Reichen's heart with a 99-cent rose! Austin gives his totally unbi-assed opinion that Rodiney and Reichen shouldn't be dating. Rodiney responds by imitating Austin's nasally voice, but sadly you can actually understand Rodiney better when he's talking like that — like no subtitles needed!

9:45 PM CST - Commercial: A man walks on his hands across New York City to encourage you to learn CPR. Sadly we're sure he got severe hand-gonnoreah and had to have them cut off. Moments later, a baby seal started choking on one of Austin's condoms and the handless CPR man couldn't do anything but shed a single tear.

9:48 PM CST - Reichen invites TJ and Ryan to "a shit show" where all the men will drink and Austin will insult Rodiney and the two grown men will get in a fight. This will be the show's "moral lesson."

Austin says that he totally doesn't want to fuck Rodiney because he's engaged to some random piece of British scrub. Nevermind that he has spent the entire season wanting to fuck Reichen. Anyway, Reichen and Rodiney walk in puppy-eyed love to announce to their friends that THEY'RE TOTALLY IN LOVE!!! OMG YOU GUYS, LIKE WOW!!!

Ummm… Reichen, these people are not you're friends. These are people that producers introduced you to three months ago.

Austin is seething, partially out of being cock-blocked on national TV and partially because of the realization that he took all that Cialis tonight for nothing.

9:53 PM CST - Commercial: A Latina woman would like to talk about finances using an extended "box" metaphor. She would like to make a couple of of long-term deposits and quick withdrawals from your box. Like, right now. She's gonna organize the fuck out of your box… like crazy. Do you like kids, slut?


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Hate The Love! Join Queerty at 10PM EST Tonight for The A-List: New York Live Blog

Hate them or hate them, the parade of tears that is America's favorite gay minstrel show will felch your TV screens at 10PM EST tonight—and Queerty will be all over it like shit on rice! Join the bitchiness in our A-List: New York live-blog and see the show that's so bad that not even GLAAD will touch it.

 

 

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A-List Producers Soon To Be Trolling For B-List Gays Around Americas

LOGO's The A-List: New York is about to bear some brothers: Production company True Entertainment is hosting casting calls in Los Angeles and Dallas in hopes of putting together some spin-off seasons, proving aspirations for fame, wealth, and snide comments aren't only limited to heterosexual housewives. Probably a good decision to lay off on The A-List: Atlanta thus far: I'm pretty sure Dwight Eubanks is still trying to run that town.


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The A-List: New York Live Blog – A Good Time Vomit Orgy

It's that time again for the self-inflicted puncture wound that is our weekly blogging of The A-List: New York. We've already covered episodes one, two, and three, but no worries if you're a newcomer! With our handy character guide and one-sentence synopsis, we'll help you hate yourself in no time!

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A-List: New York 3rd Episode Live Blog: America’s Sweetwhores!

TONIGHT: E-list party promoter and NYC-based DJ Robert Maril (aka DJ Executive Realness) joins Queerty contributor Daniel Villarreal in taking this reality show down to new lows.

Every Monday night we get together for the orgy of feigned interest that is The A-List: New York. Having already explored the show's racial ineptitude (blacks = "the help") and political tone-deafness (ie. Yes Ann Coulter, we all are affluent, white, closet Republicans), we move onto the 3rd episode wondering why grown men would humiliate themselves on camera under the pretense of parlaying this gay witch abortion of a reality show into a career. Oh, that's right: the money (Buttvomits onto rainbow American flag).

But first a quick recap: You have missed nothing. Nothing at all.

OK, just kidding (but barely): Even though insatiable bottom Reichen just moved in with his subtitled piece of man-candy Rodiney, unrefined she-slut Austin still wants to pop it in Reichen's pooper and Derek the toxic tanorexic is all like "Nuh-uh, girl." Meanwhile, TJ, Ryan and Mike pretend to have lives. FIN.

BTW, as a punishment for making it to all the way to episode 3 of this show, here's a NSWF picture of Austin's butt. Now you can join the countless whordes who have seen it, but be careful — stare too long and you might catch optical chlamydia.

 

 

9:03 PM CST - The entire show revolves around whether or not Austin will fuck Reichen. The show starts with Austin taking his first limo ride to glamorous JFK airport. In which he kisses his on again off again "boyfriend of two years" Jake. TWO YEARS?!!!

Yeah, "boyfriend"… uh-huh. He probably picked him up in the airport bathroom. Jake is from Britain and like Rodiney LOGO has decided to subtitle him, but unlike Rodiney, Jake actually needs them. He and Ryan say "I love you" to each other during the car ride back, but what they probably meant was "I love you for traveling 8 hours just to have sex with me."

9:07 PM CST - At brunch (every show must have at least eight brunch scenes), Derek says that when he was Derek's age (17 years ago) he said a bunch of stupid things. Sadly he hasn't stopped. Ryan agrees to take Austin on as a pet project to teach him manners, kinda like Professor Higgins agreeing to take on Typhoid Mary. Ryan agree to do some "psychoanalyzation" and get back to them.

9:10 PM CST - Derek meets a matchmaker in New York City and NEWS FLASH Derek has not been in love in OVER A YEAR! That's hard to believe seeing as Derek considers himself so "young, hot, and successful." Derek's not a gold digger, but his lover must be professional from the Hamptons, and have Carrie Bradshaw's 5th Ave. apartment, complete with shoe room.

9:13 PM CST - A commercial shows a kid in a blasted elementary school speaking in a creepy "I just saw my parents get shot" voice. "Maybe the world gets broken so we can fix it. People think we don't have frontiers anymore. They don't realize that frontiers are all around us." Great sentiments, we think… until we realize it's a fucking jeans commercial.

9:15 PM CST - These commercials teach us gay values: charge cards, clothes, cellphones, and luxury cars, and PF Chang's. Fuck acceptance… WE WANT STUFF!

9:16 PM CST - Austin arrives at Ryan's house wearing a designer sunglasses and black leggings, to, you know, indicate that he's been "lifting." Ryan begins teaching Austin how to speak like a proper lady. But you can tell by the glimmer in Austin's eyes that he's only had gummy bears to eat for the last 3 days.

9:18 PM CST - Does everyone speak with a compulsive lisp on this goddamn show? The producers are like, "MORE LISP, BOIIIIS!" During their meeting Austin says, "Yes, I am with someone I have been with for a while. We have a great relationship." What he means is "we don't talk, we only fuck."

9:20 PM CST – Cut to more romantic times on a boat (see episode 1). Meanwhile, we maniacally search the screen for the queens we recognize in Fire Island. Austin and Jake go to buy a bathing suit and initially Ryan chooses a horrid purple brief that's so short that the censors have to blur out his pubes. Then they go to swim in a pool with a large blow up swan.

9:21 PM CST - They start drinking champagne in a hot tub which the surgeon General totally advises against (especially for gay people). It would be such a damn shame if Austin got woozy and slipped under and DROWNED. Totes sad.

9:22 PM CST - T.J. makes his first appearance this episode, wearing the required purple v-neck. He comes over with Austin to Reichen's shoebox apartment to make fun of EVER SINGLE THING HE OWNS. How DARE gay people not have a house from architectural digest. Apparently Reichen decorates like a straight man because he has a disgusting rug and home furnishing straight out of the Blair Witch Project. and Ryan accurately compares Reichen's apartment to his relationship like we did last week: "It doesn't make any damn sense."

9:28 PM CST - Yet again Austin puts on designer clothes to go "lift" before talking to Reichen. In the background of the street shot, they blur out a woman's face probably because she probably specifically requested not to be in this dreck. She was like, "WHAT show now? NO I do not consent."

9:30 PM CST - Mike Ruiz shows up for the first time in this episode for a total of five seconds when Rodiney goes in to apply to be a model. Rodiney says that he's 5'11", but he's more like 5'9"… or even 4'7". Are we sniffing glue or are they saying that Rodiney is not hot enough to be a model? Even after he gives half of gay America a boner by standing around in his ultra tight low-cut underwear.

9:33 PM CST - At the "lift date", Reichen thinks it's weird that Austin suddenly announces that he's been in a relationship with the random piece of London ass for the last year and a half. YEAR AND A HALF, Austin? What happened to "two years?" Austin explains that the only reason he told everyone about Reichen's cock is because trash-talking peoples' junk is always "good fun."

9:36 PM CST – Meanwhile, Derek shows up for a meeting with his match from the Millionaire matchmaker he hired earlier in the show. Derek says, " I hope I don't get a dud, a pedophile, or a creep." We hope he gets all three. It turns out that his date is his doppelganger, except with taller hair. He's like, "Perfect, because I am SO SICK of wiping off that mirror."

But… SURPRISE. He already went out with his twin about a decade and a half ago (in his 30s) and even though the guy's a handsome millionaire… Derek doesn't want to settle… for a handsome millionaire.

9:37 PM CST - Commercial inexplicably involving straight octagenarian travel enthusiasts.

9:39 PM CST - Finally Mike returns for a longer scene with Rodiney. Mike is wearing a shirt that reads "love muscle." Let's process this. Between the hair changes and vanity glasses he's basically in disguise in every shot. Rodiney admits how "hard" his relationship with Reichen is. If this was a porn, Mike and Rodiney would have fucked each other in this scene.

9:40 PM CST - In the eighth scene of brunch Jake sits back and he learns SHOCKER that Austin is a slut! Based on his accent, Austin's boyfriend Jake might either be Welsh, Scottish, northern English…let's draw straws. Jake surprises them by telling them that Austin and he are engaged. What's that, you say? But gays can't get married in New York yet? Oh good, then it's a FAKE engagement.

9:41 PM CST - Ryan cannot blink because of his numerous Botox injections. TJ says it's OK for Austin to dish about how much he hates Derek because "girls say bad things about other girls. that's what we do." And that, America, is what is wrong… that and the fact that we have penises and are not women.

9:44 PM CST - …and the four gays at brunch continue to completely ignore the food in front of them.

9:47 PM CST – Dear LOGO: gays would only go see the new Saw 3-D movie if it had Samantha from Sex and the City in it.

9:48 PM CST – Thankfully TJ covers his abominable hair during his talk with Derek. Derek laments not having been in love or having had sex for THE LAST EIGHT MONTHS!!! Of course, he's so busy tanning and waxing that he can't possibly keep up with a boyfriend. Apparently TJ is Ryan's front desk girl, right? By that measure that would would make us A-List also.

Reichen goes to a slutty party called Carnival and immediately gets distracted by a butter face with a machete for a schlong proving what we already knew about him, he's an insatiable buttslut with a chunnel the size of the Holland Tunnel.

9:52 PM CST - Austin demotes his fiancee Jake to the title of "partner." The relationship has gotten shorter while its status has continually amped up. Then Reichen drunkenly asks Austin if he will ever fool around with anybody once he and Jake are married — "so, uh, will yo uever, uh, fool around with…anyone else?" — because y'know… Reichen would like to be the meat in their man sandwich if it could work out. Reichen then slurs out relationship advice while dripping his old fashioned onto his pant leg. Meanwhile Rodiney standing merely three feet away pretends not to know Reichen.

9:56 PM CST - They blur out Amanda Lepore's breasts because LOGO HATES TRANNIES!!! Where is GLAAD on this one? Amanda Lepore beats michael musto as the most believable thing in the episode. Derek hates being there, so instaed of leaving he decides to spend more money, get shitfaced, and kiss a stranger in front of a midway game on national television.

9:58 PM CST - In a teary bedroom scene, both Rodiney and Reichen both wake up WITH AMAZING HAIR! Tthey don't understand why their relationship has come to such a bad state. Have they NOT been watching the show? We wish we could look this great when breaking up with someone.

Reichen keeps asking for Rodiney for permission to talk while lying shirtless with him in bed proving YET AGAIN that he's Rodiney's fussy little cockslave. Rodiney cannot believe that their relationship is getting this bad… we cannot believe they're doing this in front of cameras. BTW, what the eff ever happened to Reichen's jewelry line? All he has going on now is working out, trying to bone Austin, fighting with Rodiney, and that stupid play we haven't heard about since the first episode.


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Queerty

—  John Wright

A-List: New York: We Live Blogged The First Episode So You Didn’t Have To

Only thrice in a lifetime can a person expect to see monolithic television events that blow their fucking minds — the Challenger launch, the return of What's Happening Now?, and that Super Bowl where Janet Jackson's boob popped out. Tonight we behold what promises to be the most homosexual gay TV show this side of Fagsville — the premier of The A-List: New York. Now Americans everywhere will know that some of us gays are as well-adjusted as, say, the Real Housewives. I'll be live blogging the historic first episode and invite you to join in the comments bitchery. It may be the most fun you've ever had since the premiere of The Real L Word…. or something.

 

 

8:47 CST - Did I mention that I hate reality television because of their vapid pre-scripted nature and the fact that everything — from the most mundane hair appointment to a bake sale — gets treated with epic importance of the goddamned Iliad? Nonetheless, I promise to be open-minded and un-snooty about this whole affair. Also, I have done absolutely zero research on this show so I still have my A-List virganalty and my reactions will be based on the ghastly things going on-screen instead of my pre-existing bias against shows like this. What did you expect? If you want well-informed media critique, go read The New Yorker while sitting on the toilet.

8:51 CST - Despite the fact that I know balls about this show, I do have some predictions and expectations. I expect that there will be:
- Lots of bare-chestage.
- At least eight gay kisses.
- Some gossip over whatshisname talking shit about whosherface.
- Frosted highlights.
- Shopping (cuz fagz b shoppin')
- Ridiculous pet names (Pookie Bear, Sugar Bung)
- A cliffhanger ending to get you 'mos to tune in next week. (Will Derek and his boyf get their dream loft in Hells Kicthen? Stay tuned….!)

I'd also like some toilet trampery, for someone to get slapped, or a smoke monster, but that's a lot to ask for a first episode.

8:59 CST - How many spin-offs does Ru-Paul have anyway? Some straight woman on Drag U learned "that drag is not just a man in a dress — it's a whole attitude." I want Ru Paul's Drag Ultimate FIghting Championship. I'd watch that.

9:00 CST - Show started. Seconds until first shot of boys in underwear: two.

9:01 CST - Nonstop drinking, Speedos, and perfect bodies form the intro of this all-white show. Sigh…

9:03 CST – - So Reichen got out of the military without being caught as a gay. And he gives proceeds from his necklace line to fight DADT. Substance? That's weird.

9:04 CST - Reichen is stiff, eh? A stiff dancer. Maybe a cocktail would help.

9:06 CST - So Mike the celebrity photographer could do the 100-yard dash in those pink feather shoes? I'd like to see him try. Maybe he should go on Ru Paul's show. Remember Mike, drag is not just a man in a dress — it's a whole attitude.

9:07 CST - Sweetie, everyone in New York starts off as a waiter slash model slash actor. The more I watch the more I get the sense that this is just softcore porn, kinda like the Playboy playmate profiles.

9:09 CST - It's a shame that Ryan the hairdresser's assistant TJ is so much more attractive than him. Hopefully he'll be a recurring character (who will kill off Ryan). Ryan called TJ "Tammy James" – that counts as a pet name, no?

9:10 CST - First Sex and the City reference, not to be outdone by the Showgirls reference that Mike made earlier.

9:11 CST - And Ryan has a black hubby? Badass. That should freak out the conservatives. Gay marriage? Miscegenation?!! Where's my shotgun?

9:13 CST - An HIV medication commercial talks about HIV in the third person, implying that no one in the commercial actually has HIV. One guy says that HIV "used to be considered a death sentence." Um, last time I checked there was still no cure. Also, everyone in the commercial is black, which reminds me, that last celeb I knew who publicly came out as positive was Magic Johnson.

9:15 CST - A POM commercial with a woman in a dripping wet dress. Must be for the lesbians.

9:16 CST - Austin, another model. His claim to fame is dating Marc Jacobs. That's all? Makes me shed a unicorn tear.

9:17 CST - Austin sounds kinda trashy. Let's hope he ends up becoming a depraved buttslut to "get back on the A-List." Yeah, the Ass-List. Pass around party bottom, anyone? He's the sassy one. And apparently he's too fat to model. Another unicorn tear.

9:18 CST - A story about Kathy Griffin on Queerty is getting more views that my live blogging. She's a bigger name… I guess.

9:19 CST - Derek. Fashion agent twink. He's friends with Lindsay Blohan, which would explain all the drinking, the Guys With iPhones picture, and the compulsory spray tanning.

9:21 CST - Reichen and his shades go on a boating date with Rodiney and his shades. Champagne on the river. Life is so hard. Is Rodiney the Miami hispanic an illegal alien? I see a future episode brewing. Is he also anorexic? So much potential for drama. Already Reichen is worried that he's gonna have to pay for everything. It's gonna be a short romance, Rodiney.

9:24 CST - The A-List word of the day is tanorexia – the feeling of never being tanned enough. I guess that makes Derek a tanorexic. Someone needs to tell that bitch. If I hear someone call him a tanorexic, I may just shit gold.

9:26 CST - Ugh! A straight couple on the Walgreen's commercial? Maybe it's for the bisexuals. So the bisexuals want me to get a flu shot and turn my unborn child into an autistic mutant? No thanks, switch-hitters.

9:27 CST - Austin wears bouncy space shoes to go jogging and lose weight. And when they unzip his shirt, his delightfully bitchy black trainer calls him "fat." I know he's fat for a wannabe model, but if that's fat, some of my friends who weigh 180 are absolutely obese.

9:29 CST - I like how they have to subtitle Reichen's boyfriend Rodiney whenever he speaks in accented English. How's that for multiculturalism? Rod spends a drink kissing Mike's ass in hopes that Mike can help make his career. Mike says he loves mentoring… "anytime he can reach his hand out"… uh-huh. Anyone else think that Mike and Rodney are gonna end up hitting it? Rod called Mike his "big sexy older brother." Incest is best, fellas.

9:31 CST - It's kinda satisfying to hear that despite his beautiful body and jewelry line and DADT activism that perfect boy Reichen sucks at singing and dancing. Small victories. Yes, I am a shallow and envious bitch sometimes. Also, he has bags under his eyes and crow's feet during the voice rehearsal segments but looks perfectly made up in his interview sections. Better lighting works wonders.

9:34 CST - I am happy that there have been about 4 black people on the show but they've all been bit players. Even Ryan's black hubby doesnt want anything to do with this nonsense. See? The nonexistent "ethnic" character sounds smarter than every other guy on this show.

9:35 CST - In a Volkswagon commercial, a handsome scruffy guy works a bunch of shit jobs just to spend his life-savings on two Jettas with personalized plates. So hipster-sad. Like whatever 2000.

9:36 CST - NewNowNext presents a commercial for The People I've Slept With. Go and see it.

9:37 CST - Rodney seems to be following Mike around the Sex and the City party like a puppy dog. Why isn't Rodney working the Latin angle? You're an oppressed minority, fella. Milk it! And if he doesn't get a new job and a work visa, it'll be adios. Que lastima, no?

9:40 CST - Austin dresses like a young college Republican for drinks with the homeaux. He apparently also boned Reichen. I told you he was the village slut. You go boy. He's apparently "dated" lots of gaymous people.

9:41 CST - I though that TJ's hair was brown, but it's apparently Oompa Loompa orange. Maybe he's less attractive then I first thought. I take it back. I was drunk.

9:42 CST - So Austin is still booty calling Reichen and Reichen still responds to his texts… keeping the spare piece warm, eh? I like how Reichen says that they "kissed a few times." Uh-huh… "kissed." My parents kissed too once and then a baby came out. Rodiney may have to cut a bitch.

9:44 CST - In this Bridgestone tire commercial a killer whale squirts into the driver's mouth. Now that's good gay advertising. The only blacks I have seen in any LOGO commercial were on the HIV commercial. I know seroconversions are on the rise in communities of color, but c'mon. Oh… and there was one in a Levi's commercial doing manual labor. And where are the Mexicans?!!! Oh, that's right, Rodiney. But he's Cuban… I feel so oppressed.

9:47 CST - I would really like to watch a "reality" show about dirt poor black transwomen.

9:48 CST - How did Austin afford his house in London? He's like The Great Gatsby or some shit.

9:50 CST - I like how the opening line of Reichen's bio does not mention his Amazing Race showing. Can't sink any lower, eh Reich? Also, I totally dig how gossipy Derek is. He totally pegged Austin as a social sleeper who hasn't actually accomplished anything. Austin is the total villain of this show. So far Derek is the hero, despite being tanorexic.

9:52 CST - So it seems like the cliffhanger will be whether Reichen wants to bone Austin or his Miami man candy. I'll probably lose a shitload of sleep worrying about whether or not true love exists. I think I'm getting an ulcer just thinking about it.

9:54 CST - I know there's copyright issues, but could we not see just how "delicious" Reichen's Big Fat Gay Wedding was? Sounds like it sucked balls.

9:57 CST - Finally hot tub sex. And apparently Reichen has a tramp stamp (bottom). And then Austin calls and cockblocks. How totally unscripted. The only surprise is that Austin may be a top.

10 CST - Rad! Margaret Cho will be in an upcoming episode. Reichen will "kiss" Austin and continue to generally suck at singing and dancing. Rodiney will flip out and have a fight with one of the guys… does it really matter which? Derek will continue being a critical queen with no actual goings-ons of his own (maybe Lindsey Blohan will visit in season two). He and Ryan are obviously totes BFFs and you can already tell that they'll be living on the same side of the island.

The entire last scene where Reichen and Rodney are about to frug when Austin calls basically sums up in a nutshell what I hate about reality TV. How convoluted and stupid that he should just happen to call at that exact moment and Reichen would just happen to answer while his blue-balled amigo is left holding his dick in the hot tub — pre-scripted banality.

Yes, we'll eat it up because it's an over the top, campy, guilty pleasure but I find it hard to enjoy amid everything else going on. As I write this I'm wearing patched up jeans, I ate cold spaghetti for dinner, and am gonna go read about who got gay-bashed, legislatively discriminated against, or committed suicide while I was watching TV.

"Reality" show? Yeah, right.


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Queerty

—  John Wright