The Revenge of Drunk Stereotypes The A-List: New York was a mind-rotting piece of reality TV candy, but fearless Wendy Williams decides to unwrap one last piece and see how many licks it takes to get to the questions that have plagued us intelligence-swindled viewers, like what the eff is up with Mike's dirty mop hair and which characters besides Reichen and Rodiney want to sleep with each other?
This time, NYC party promoter Robert Maril (aka DJ Executive Realness of 21st Century Life) covered the cast reunion madness with Queerty contributor Daniel Villarreal adding some spice to the stew.
9:01 PM – Well, I've used my Midwestern Liberal Arts school education to shotgun 14 beers, so I"m ready for this Wendy Wiliams-hosted reunion. Are you? Start drinking. Now. It's our first cartoonish "How you durrin!?" of the evening. First line spoken. This is going to be good.
9:02 PM – Ryan is wearing "individuals," meaning a very fancy kind of fake eyelashes. In regards to Reichen's a capella DADT pop masterpiece, Reichen says that he also another "really amazing song" coming out that comes from the "heart." Whatever that means, hopefully his heart carries a better tune than his throat.
9:03 PM – Right off the bat, Wendy brings up the fact that Austin came to NYC supposedly single, and brings up his constant, unrequested nudity weight gain. Austin smirks and mentions how he doesn't care about what anyone thinks of his cottage cheese ridden ass, but oh wait… didn't he want to be a model?
9:04 PM – Reichen watches his two girlfriends (Rodiney and Austin) discuss the trials and tribulations of fighting over America's bottom. Reichen's stone-faced reaction might just be shock, but it might be the Botox.
Wendy seems completely shocked by these queens' behavior, indicating that not even in the Harlem beauty shop has she ever seen such behavior.
9:05 PM – Seriously, did Ryan think that he was playing the MC from Cabaret tonight? He's made up like a Weimar Republic hooker.
9:07 PM – Wendy is not buying for a MOMENT that Austin is trustworthy and completely calls him out. This woman isn't taking shit from NOBODY. HOW YOU DURRIN!
9:08 PM – The best part of this reunion so far are Wendy's reactions. She keeps mugging for the camera like, DIG THESE QUEENS.
9:09 PM – Yawn, we have to hear about R&R's on-again off-again relationship after the break. Is it too late to start watching Good Eats?
9:14 PM – Wendy asks if R&R's relationship is open. They begin to stutter and she says, "So you have SEX with other guys." Thank you for clarifying, Wendy. She's seriously the coolest person on this stage. All the other queens get on their HIGH HORSE about having an open relationship. Rodiney desperately tries to explain why having a sexually-open relationship works for them but the boys are not having it. They're all SO MORAL!
9:16 PM – Why does anybody keep giving Austin a platform to criticize R&R's relationship? Especially since Austin is pretend dating some long-distance piece of English ass that he never sees but supposedly loves enough to marry. Sadly, the fact that Austin's in this cast reunion answers the brain-shattering question of whether or not he'll leave NYC and move to New York. Gawd Austin is terrible. Wait, am I somehow just realizing that Austin is terrible? Welcome to The A-List.
9:17 PM – People keep accusing Rodiney of being a gold-digger, but I really don't think Reichen HAS that much money. Right? Like, does he have a job? I mean, besides being fired from My Big Stupid Gay Musical, peddling jewelry that will get gay men kicked out of the military, and placing his raspy chicken noises onto the occasional song track? Oh Reichen, if you need a job, we have a couple of jobs for you in our apartment.
9:19 PM – Austin acuses Rodiney of being a prostitute, inexplicably… which is funny because apart from modeling, Austin has no job either. In fact, we're pretty sure that Ryan and Mike are the only ones with actual jobs. TJ works as Ryan's manservant but it's probably just to keep another skinny, pasty, talentless waif off the Chelsea piers. How compassionate of Ryan to extend such charity to someone so hairless and undeserving.
9:19 PM – Oh, according to Austin, Rodiney is a "fucking retard." VERY good. What is that line about hating in others what we despise in ourselves? How low is your IQ, Austin.
9:23 PM – Ryan and Derek storm off the stage for a cigarette break. I guess that means it's time to shotgun another Corona! A-List New York, you can expect the bill from my liver specialist.
9:25 PM – Wendy asks, "Is Derek obnoxious or just saying what's on peoples' minds?" I'm voting obnoxious. We're getting a highlight reel of Derek's most horrible moments, but since I've seen them I choose to concentrate on the evolution and slimming of his eyebrows. Wendy asks Derek about his "love life," meaning the two dates he went on with Roberto. No surprises here, he's still single. And here I thought you COULD attract more flies with vinegar.
9:30 PM – 30 minutes into the program, Wendy asks Mike Ruiz—who hasn't spoken the entire show—what he's doing here. I personally believe that he was roofied before signing the contract to be on the show. All his appearances throughout the entire season could barely fill a 45-minute show.
Wendy asks Mike about his floppy hair, which I always HATED. Mike calls it his "merkin," which makes me adore him even more. Then Wendy tries to make Mike admit who he'll sleep with of the five. His answer? NO ONE. Good answer, Merkin. But seriously how did you manage to say it without first saying, "Sleep with these guys? Ewww…. gross."?
9:34 PM – Then in a surprising turn of good taste, Austin says what all of us have been thinking all season and admits that he'd like to sleep with Rodiney. Why? Because Rodiney has a great body and "it's very large." Get that kitty punched, girlfriend. Maybe Austin has been trying to break up Rodiney and Reichen all this time just so he could be Rodiney's rebound hatefuck. That boy gets smarter every episode (and by "smarter" I mean "more shameless").
9:36 PM – It's time to dissect Ryan, which will be decidedly more enjoyable than Derek's best-of reel. Wow, he's really accomplished for his trademark *WINK* Wendy counts up at least 30! There'd probably be more if his black sugar daddy wasn't so super-supportive of his Botox addiction. "Whatever you need to do for you, baby." I imagine that Ryan's invisible black husband looks and speaks just like Lester the Sugar Daddy from Hedwig.
9:40 PM – When asked if he and Derek have ever slept together (I vomit into a paper cup) Ryan answers, "No—because two bottoms don't make a top." I up-check just a bit though it's a rare moment of humor/levity/realness. I think that Derek and TJ have probably hooked up once or twice before — two skeletons in heat.
Even though Ryan totally gets overshadowed by these other psycho hose-beasts he's been one of the most consistent and compassionate queens on the entire show. He got Rodiney to admit that he and Reichen bareback, let Rodiney cry on his shoulder, convinced him to come to the lakehouse, consoled R&R after Rodiney's fight with Austin, and even told Reichen how unfairly he treats Rodiney. He's not perfect but he's as closer to the Rodiney and Mike side of the likability scale than the rest of those scaly urinal trolls.
9:41 PM – Ick, TJ and his crazy red-brown-blonde-shaved-swirled-spiked hair joins the panel. He also seems to be wearing "individuals." Work those lashes, gurl! Then use 'em as bat wings to fly back to whatever Brooklyn twink roost you flew in from. TJ talks to Wendy about how beautiful Ryan and his Sugar Daddy's relationship is and begins to tear up. I get really, really creeped out when TJ cries. It's like when the mean girl on the playground finally broke down.
9:46 PM – AND we're back. Wendy asks TJ what it is about Austin he doesn't trust. Apparently, Austin has been lying about his relationship with Reichen. Doy. Wendy asks if Austin and "kissed with tongues swirling." Soon after she asks, "Have you performed oral sex on one another?" direct quote. I LOVE YOU, WENDY WILLIAMS. How you durrin?
Apparently, they haven't. Yawn.
Of course, they're probably both just saying that so that they can have a shot at sleeping with Rodiney again before they die. (Rodiney, call me! My kitten needs punching too!)
9:50 PM – We're now treated to a "highlight" (and i do use that word loosely) reel of Austin and Reichen's "relationship" (meaning, all the times that Reichen has stared at Austin's fat booty). Watching the reel, Austin begins to "cry". Again. Except that Wendy says to Austin, "Everyone cries differently, but I don't see any water." SNAP.
What Wendy doesn't realize is that Austin only cries McDonald's fry grease and he didn't have time to down a Super Sized #4 before the taping.
9:52 PM – Mike Ruiz asks — wait, he's still here? — why it's so important to Austin that Rodiney and Reichen break up. Seriously, sister, go back to your new "home" in "london" with your "fiance." Get a LIFE.
Then Reichen and his flaccid genitals reiterate to Austin how much he needs him in his life — how much he misses him. I mean, ICK! Am I misremembering that they were happily "friends" for like 3 weeks 3 years ago? And since then it's been nothing but turmoil and a weird, crazy-peacock mating ritual? Ick.
They are Katy Perry's target demographic.
9:53 PM – Wendy promises a SHOCKING REVELATION after the break! My money is either that TJ isn't really a redhead or that Ryan is intersexed. Anyone? Anyone?
9:56 PM – And the shocking revelation is… special guest… Jake. Austin's fiance/boyfriend/WHAT THEY GOT MARRIED?!! Wendy is the only one clapping, as everyone else on stage stares dumbfounded. Austin starts to cry because he's only been faithful and honest with his husband (ahem, OK… but unless those wedding pictures were Photoshopped, we can say with veracity that he is indeed married). God, we need to subtitle this Jake person—his heavy Welsh accent mangles English in a way not even Rodiney is capable of.
Wendy asks Reichen what he thinks about this marriage. He wishes them the best, but I can see in his eyes that his dick has gone up inside his body.
Wendy sums it up best: "That's it."
Yes indeed, that's it.