What if Jesus had an Uzi? or The Christmas Story if the NRA and Ben Carson had anything to do with it

jesus-gunDr. Ben Carson suggested in October the Holocaust may not have happened if Jews living in Europe had been armed. A few armed Jews would have done what the armies of France, Britain, Poland, Belgium, the Netherlands, Denmark and the Soviet Union couldn’t: stop Hitler.

So I was wondering, what if Jesus had an Uzi?

And not just Jesus. What about the parents?

When Joseph and Mary got to Bethlehem, there was no room at the inn.

Well, I think the good folks at the Ramada Bethlehem would have looked at the reservation book twice; Motel 6 would have kept the lights on for them; and the clerk at LaQuinta wouldn’t have turned them away or made them sleep in a stinkin’ manger had Mary and Joseph walked in armed for a massacre.

Unfortunately they didn’t and Jesus was born in a stable.

But what if the Maji had come bearing gifts? Real gifts.

And I don’t mean myrrh. What the hell is myrrh? Now the gold — that was useful. The frankincense? The myrrh? What the hell do you even do with that? If I had a kid and someone showed up with tree sap (myrrh is tree sap from a Commiphora tree or bush) my question to them would be: Uh, did you bring the receipt?

You know what would have been more useful? You know what they would have given if Ben Carson was one of the Maji? A semi-automatic weapon. It’s fun. It’s practical. And what kid doesn’t like playing with guns?

And why an Uzi, you ask? Good question.

Remember this was 2,000 years ago. Why not an M16 made by Colt or a Kalashnikov? Really? Colt is an American manufacturer, and America wasn’t even discovered back then. And Israel wasn’t trading with the Russians yet back then. The Maji may be a lot of things, but they’re not smugglers.

No, what would have been a more appropriate gift, rather than some home-grown frankincense, would have been a locally produced Uzi.

Fast forward about 33 years and three months and that whole Easter thing would have been different as well.

Let’s just say, there might have been a mob, and there may have been a cross, but Jesus wouldn’t have been on it. Instead, there would have been a bloodbath on the mall, and by that I mean Jerusalem’s lovely shopping street, the Via Dolorosa.

Fast forward another 33 years and like any Jewish person of the time, after a long, distinguished career as a preacher that would have ended with a university appointment at Bar-Ilan University or the Technion, Jesus would have retired and moved to Miami Beach. Miami Beach? Yes, remember, this was 2,000 years ago, long before developers ever dreamed of a Boca Raton.

—  David Taffet

Northaven UMC’s members tell First Baptist to chill (and have a happy holiday)

I love when an article starts conversations. The Happy Holidays vs. Merry Christmas story in the Spirituality section of this week’s Dallas Voice about First Baptist Church’s GrinchAlert.com seems to have done just that.

Last week after I spoke to Eric Folkerth, the pastor of Northaven United Methodist Church, he posted something on his Facebook page about it.

He received dozens of comments.

On GrinchAlert, you can rebuke, reprimand, belittle, berate and spew your general hate for working people, many of them minimum wage, who don’t quite greet you the way you want on their busiest working days of the year. After all, what exemplifies Christmas better than trying to get someone fired.

I called Folkerth for my article because Northaven is a mainstream church and is a beneficiary of Black Tie Dinner.

He obviously has no love for First Baptist’s pastor.

One of my favorite comments on his Facebook page came from Jim Lovell, a member of Northaven who is an elementary school music teacher in Plano. Here’s his comment that is one of the most beautiful descriptions of the holiday season that I’ve seen in a long time.

“All this reminds me how much I love my job,” Lovell wrote. “Today, a 6-year old Muslim boy was so proud to give me a Christmas cookie that his mother (who wears a hijab) bought. His beaming face just made my day! Other Muslim children are sporting Santa hats. Some of the favorite songs of our Christian and Hindu children are about dreydls. Everyone is getting along and having a good time. Happy Holidays, one and all! Whatever it is that you’re mad about, give it up!”

Here were some of the other comments.

“Interesting that they are using the secular Grinch to illustrate their religious celebration,” said one.

Interesting indeed. Not just that the Grinch is a secular character, but that the character was created by Theodor Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss.

Geisel began his career as a cartoonist. Before World War II, he warned of discrimination against Japanese-Americans, African-Americans and Jews. I think Dr. Seuss would be horrified at using one of his characters to spew the hatred coming from First Baptist Church.

Other comment’s on the Facebook page of Northaven’s pastor commented on how little the narrow-minded members of First Baptist actually apply the lessons of their religion.

“Don’t they have something more important to spend time and resources on? Cause if they cant think of any, they surely aren’t listening to the world around them,” said one commenter.

But that’s the point of GrinchAlert.com. You need to celebrate Christmas my way.

—  David Taffet

A new take on an old holiday classic: Anita Mann’s version of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas’

It’s the holiday season, and so today I thought I’d share this video that I found on Mark S. King’s blog, “My Fabulous Disease.”

King is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, not to mention an AIDS activist since the early days of the epidemic, and this video features his alter ego, Anita Mann, reading “Twas the Night Before Christmas” as part of a fundraiser for LGBT people recovering from addiction. As read by Anita, it’s the same old Christmas story we’ve all heard a million times, but her, uh, interpretation can make you see it in a whole new light.

And when you’re done watching the video, go on over to King’s blog and explore. Be sure to read his biographical information, and then read some of his posts, which are all about keeping a stubbornly positive attitude and always looking for the lighter side of life. It might give you a new outlook on life in general, not to mention the holiday season.

—  admin