Best bets • 12.10.10

Friday 12.10

Dog days in Big D
Gays and their dogs are a breed unto themselves and we imagine some will be competing in this weekend’s Lone Star State Classic dog show. For sure, we know local Laurie Foley will be there with her cocker spaniel to compete for top dog honors. Forget watching Best in Show again, see it for real.

DEETS: Dallas Market Hall, 2200 Stemmons Freeway. Through Dec. 12. LoneStarStateClassic.com

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Saturday 12.11

Some cracked nuts for Christmas?
Mark-Brian Sonna brings back his snarky wit with The Beulaville Baptist Book Club Presents: A Bur-less-Q Nutcracker!  When food poisoning wipes out an entire ballet company, it’s up to stranded burlesque troupe The Velvet Kittens to save Christmas in Beulaville. Nutcrackin’ funny stuff.

DEETS: Stone Cottage Theater, 15650 Addison Road. Through Dec. 26. $18–$22. MBSProductions.net.

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Sunday 12.12

Holidays the Wright way
Fort Worth pianist Danny Wright performs a benefit concert for Chelsea’s Fund which promotes pet hospice in Dallas and Fort Worth. Rebecca Miller hosts the evening that includes Wright’s concert, a silent auction and champagne reception.

DEETS: Casa Manana Theater, 3101 W. Lancaster Ave., Fort Worth. 7 p.m. $50. CasaManana.org.

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition December 10, 2010.

—  Michael Stephens

Mister clean

We get down and dirty about great gay uses of household items with home products guru Joey Green

RICH LOPEZ  | Staff Writer lopez@dallasvoice.com

TASK MASTER  |  Green is G-rated on TV, but offers us tips for gays armed with risque household items.
TASK MASTER | Green is G-rated on TV, but offers us tips for gays armed with risque household items.

HOME & GARDEN SHOW
Dallas Market Hall
2200 N. Stemmons Freeway
Sept. 11–12. $9.
See site for schedule. HomeandGardenMarket.com

He’s been on The View, Good Morning America and The Tonight Show and has published dozens of books, but you might not recognize Joey Green if you saw him on the streets. He’s more in the “OK, I know who you’re talking about” vein of celebrity.

Green is famous for applying useful but unusual uses for everyday products. Did you know Spam makes a great furniture polisher, or that lemon Kool-Aid is ideal for rust removal? Those are the kind of crazy but engaging tips he’ll bring to this weekend’s Home and Garden Market Show at Dallas Market Hall.

Although married with kids, Green has a gay man’s sense of camp (one of his books, which deconstructs The Wizard of Oz, posits that the

Cowardly Lion was a friend of Dorothy in more ways than one). Some of his advice is especially useful to gay people for their, let’s say, intimate reasons —or sometimes just great for a drag queen’s makeup case. In these economical times, it’s better to take items in the house than going to the store for a specific cleaner.

Despite his mild-mannered tone, Green is fine discussing his shtick with risqué bravado — his uses for contraceptives and tampons are usually redlined by his editors. Take, for instance, the simple condom. Playing safe is still in, but Green says they have multiple uses.

“Condoms are good if you’re hit in the nose or have a sore back,” he says. “Just fill it with water, freeze and [you have an] instant ice pack.  You can also put them on top a straight wooden handle shovel or mop or similar item — they work like a pencil eraser and keep it from sliding down and keep scruff marks off the walls.”

Makeup and beauty tips are abundant in Green’s books — many handy for a drag queen. In his newest, Joey Green’s Cleaning Magic, he puts nail polish remover, petroleum jelly and hair dryers to work beyond their original uses. But panty hose are a big item with Green.

“They are expensive,” he says. ”A lot of money is going down the drain. Save ‘em, ball ‘em up and they are great for polishing furniture. The nylon acts as a mild abrasive. They are great for cleaning car windshields and strainers, like for paint — just pour it through. Also, if a drag queen is late to a show because her fan belt gave out in her car, pantyhose can be tied in a knot and looped to replace it and get back on the road.”

Green doesn’t miss a beat when we mention what else Crisco can be used for other than cooking and … well, we left it at that.

“There are many uses for that. Crisco is all-natural made of soybean and cottonseed oils. It’s a great moisturizer. Just rub a dab on your skin. Keep some in the garage because it takes off oil and grease. And it gets lipstick stains out of clothes. “

Kinky and erotic does not escape Green. He could write an entire book with this angle alone, although instead he’s working on a project that gives tips and cures for pets. But he’s more willing to talk up the positives of a large roll of Saran Wrap in the house.  Whether it’s covering food, or the significant other, it’s a godsend.

“Well, don’t use it as a condom,” he orders. “Saran Wrap is great for holding screws in position. [Ed. note: Yes!] If a small screw is hard to hold, put it through the wrap to hold.  Putting it over a used tin of paint keeps it from hardening and it can cover small holes in windows.”

Finally, he breaks a bit. Food has its place in fun romps, but he tells us what else a cucumber is good for.

“Well,” he chuckles, “I know you can eat those.”

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition September 10, 2010

—  Kevin Thomas

Ladies only? Darn. Visions: The Women’s Expo at Dallas Market Hall starts today

We’d go for the food and the beef

This has caused quite a dilemma. If we were going to Visions: The Women’s Expo this weekend, we’d want to nosh on Fort Worth chef Scott Jones’ culinary demonstrations, but there is no way in hell we’d miss the Hot Firefighters Auction. Along with fashion shows, style makeovers and exhibitors, we are learning one thing — it’s hard to be a woman.

DEETS: Dallas Market Hall, 2200 N. Stemmons Freeway. Through Sunday. $10. VisionsExpo.com.

—  Rich Lopez

Best Bets • 08.27.10

Saturday 08.28

We’d go for the food and the beef

This has caused quite a dilemma. If we were going to Visions: The Women’s Expo this weekend, we’d want to nosh on Fort Worth chef Scott Jones’ culinary demonstrations, but there is no way in hell we’d miss the Hot Firefighters Auction. Along with fashion shows, style makeovers and exhibitors, we are learning one thing — it’s hard to be a woman.

DEETS: Dallas Market Hall, 2200 N. Stemmons Freeway. Through Sunday. $10. VisionsExpo.com.


Saturday 08.28

Marvin’s room is gonna be a big one

Composer Marvin Hamlisch may acheive gay icon status because of his work with Barbra Streisand (an Oscar for “The Way We Were,” yo), but he doesn’t need a diva to prove he’s amazing. He’s gonna give it up for Dallas George Gershwin style as part of the pops series of the Dallas Symphony Orchestra. Which means, you’ll witness a legend at his best.

DEETS: Meyerson Symphony Center, 2301 Flora St. 8 p.m. $22–117. DallasSymphony.org.


Sunday 08.29

We get it — comics aren’t just for kids

A weekend of adults dressed in sci-fi outfits may be daunting but two things make this Dallas Comic Con worthwhile. Battlestar Galactica’s Edward James Olmos appears and Dallas’ own The Variants (aka Zeus Comics) make an showing.

DEETS: Richardson Civic Center, 411 W. Arapaho Road. Noon. $10–$20. SciFiExpo.com/DCC.

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition August 27, 2010.

—  Rich Lopez