Ask Howard • 02.26.16

How to do the wrong thing right

Howard-RussellDear Howard,
I’m a pre-med intern — typically overworked, underpaid, with no spare time to cook for myself even if I had some leftover energy to. My fellow slaves and I, of which I’m their token, barely-accepted “homo” in this physician-wannabes’ posse, are all regular/repeat customers at practically every greasy spoon within a quarter-mile radius of Baylor; fractiously, I’m the sole one of us who bothers considerately tipping our equally overworked, underpaid servers. I put myself through undergrad waiting tables. I know first-hand exactly what sorts of rapacious vengeance gets served upon cheapskate “regulars” once the undertone snickers of “fudge-packer,” or some similarly expressed ilk, get overheard by any waiter maligned by snarky customers. Sweet karma, I secretly smile, is always such a delicious bitch, though, don’t you agree? — Stuart

Dear Stu,
Indeed, I deliciously do: Kudos to you, too, Stu, our future medicine man miraculous, for somehow resisting any comeuppance temptation to point out the so-simply obvious lesson still yet to be learned by your disbarment-worthy medical profession colleagues to whom you’re homophobically shackled: Perhaps we should just keep it our jizzy little secret that it’s solely due to your regular dining companions being flagged as nefariously-inexcusable bad tippers that they’re getting to enjoy that extra added squirt of sweetly flavorsome, creamy “secret sauce” on their burgers and in their beers — freshly homemade, daily, by the very adeptly practiced hands of their regularly stiffed, albeit graciously smiling “fudge-packer” servers themselves.

Dear Howard,
I’m mortified to ask this question: My fly boyfriend is super-stoked into “water sports” hardcore. In all SM honesty, man, this fetish is about the only bedroom burlesque I just do not at all twist into. But “Randy” laid all down on the table with me from our very first date, spelling out exactly what he enjoys doing most behind closed doors; miraculously, even I bit my toxic tongue for once about slinging Dallatude by not, oh, snarling, “What a coincidence! I’m also a total water sports’ enthusiast — you know, Michael Phelps and I even train together at the very same pool; trust me, too, those size 14 Aquaman flippers on him don’t lie, either —wink, wink!”

No, instead, my backfired cocky-comeback retort was, “Proper hydration is my passion!” which Randy sleazily interpreted 100 percent at face value. It totally whirlpooled me, like, urinal-drain deep smitten with him instantly, and now, every morning since I’m awakened by my boyfriend smarmily, seductively spooning me with his forked tongue flickering in my ear, whispering, “Tonsils, baby, or tush?”

Usually, I just sigh and choose “tush” because, well, morning pee isn’t exactly what the FDA labels a sunshiny day draught of orange juice, identical in color though it damned revoltingly is; ridiculous as this sounds, it’s just a lot less bothersome, hygienically, for me to wear old man’s incontinence underwear at work through noon, ’til my back-end leakage finally drips dry, than it is to guzzle down my boyfriend’s proud, fresh, hot homemade “breakfast” to his last yummy drop every morning, instead. Howard, how do I stop this, gently, what I’ve absurdly started? — John Hancock

Dear J-Cock,
You can’t. Not unless you’d rather belong to a different boyfriend, which you clearly do not: Listen, Johnny Lavatory, the man laid his deal-breaker fetishes at your back door from the absolute start, to which you delivered before him a big wide slutty smile of enthusiasm. On the hunk-o-meter scale, 1-to-10, exactly how far into the red zone beyond 10 does your needle quiver for this “fly” boyfriend? He surely must be some more off-the-charts specimen of filthy fine man flesh in your eyes because of his water sports’ obsession, truth be told, is all I can tell you; otherwise, morning piss from anybody (be it up the gut or down the gullet) is worth neither the medicine cabinet of Alka-Seltzer one must keep fully stocked, nor the man purse full of Depends one must pack every morning for the office; fortunately, if you indeed love this “Randy,” urine is hygienically sterile: Think of the relationship more in terms of you perhaps being, oh, goldenly-showered lucky — after all, stud, there exist oodles of lovesick bedroom fetishes far less [ahem!] . . . tasty.

Dear Howard,
This isn’t really a question so much as it’s a “light bulb” revelation I wish to share: Last week, my youngest son of three exemplary boys, who is only 16, “came out” to me. Hesitantly, tactfully, concernedly, I asked if he was sure he’s gay — that it didn’t matter to me, at all, I only wanted him be happy — but how was he certain he knew already? He lobbed back, “Dad, when did you know you were straight?” I blustered, “Well, son, but I’ve known all my life” . . . and suddenly then I got it, my “illumination” moment: I truly hope Paul meets a wonderful man down the road to fall in love with; I’ll be just the happiest, proudest father in the whole wide world! — Michael.

— Howard Lewis Russell

Do you have a question — about etiquette, love, life or work — that needs an answer? Send your problem to AskHoward@DallasVoice.com and he may answer it

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition February 26, 2016.

 

—  Dallasvoice

Editorial Cartoon • 02.26.16

menrcmyk

—  Dallasvoice

A Couple of Guys • 02.26.16

DrcwhktmcjeOUBLECH

—  Dallasvoice

Cassie Nova • 02.19.16

Time for more dragvice from Miss C!

Cassie_8433-FINALHello, my lovelies. Just FYI, my birthday is next week (Feb. 27!) — Pisces in tha house, and I guess I need to come to terms with the fact that I am getting old. It’s a bitch. My laugh lines are becoming laugh canyons. My metabolism is slowing to a turtle pace, and all I ever want to do is take a nap. People say you are only as old as you feel. Well I have days when I feel 25, then I have days when I feel 85.

I miss the days of going out, dancing and drinking and still getting up early and having a productive day. Not anymore. Now, if I overindulge too much with the drinking, I am worthless the next day. For every hour of fun, I now need a day to recover. It’s just not worth it.

On the upside, I have never been happier with who I am or with life in general. I find myself taking life as it comes and enjoying the moments more. Youth really is wasted on the young. Those ungrateful fuckers.

It has come to my attention recently that I have been neglecting my duties of having an “advice” column. Well the truth, is I don’t get as many questions as I once did.
Apparently I have solved all of your problems and you no longer need me in that capacity. Just kidding, I still get people asking for advice every once in a while, so I will get back to my roots and help my peoples. So you asked for it.

Dear Cassie,
I have had some really bad experiences with past relationships. Six months ago, I met what seems like a really great guy! He accepts me and really cares about me. We have really bonded, but I have been offered a tremendous promotion in a new city. So you can imagine how awkward this makes me feel. Should I stay or should I go? Reminds me of that song. Thanks, TCG.

Dearest TCG,
I would say to follow your heart and do what you feel is right but your wording, “what seems like a really great guy” makes me think you are not sure about him. I understand that past relationships seem to have made you jaded or weary of this new guy but you need to do what is right for you. Long distance relationships can work but only if the feelings are there on both sides. I need more information before I can give you a legitimate answer. Are you in love? Do you get butterflies? Is he worth the effort or are you using him as an excuse not to jump on this great opportunity with your job? Life is not always a romantic comedy, sometimes you have to move on and hope that the relationship follows. Good luck, Cassie.

Dear Miss Nova,
I have always considered myself to be an ally. I know that I have made mistakes along the way, but I have always tried to learn from them and to push myself and other allies to do better. Recently I had a conversation with a friend of mine about allies. The topic came up of what made someone an ally, and what made someone a bad ally. We couldn’t come to an agreement, so I thought I’d ask you. What makes someone an ally? What makes someone a bad ally? (I know it seems like a bad ally isn’t an ally at all, but that is part of the question, can you be an ally and be a bad one, or does it just make you not an ally at all?) Respectfully, Forrest.

Hey Forrest Hey,
It sounds to me like you and your friend were having a competition to see how many times you could say ally. So now it is my turn. I think an ally is an ally, good or bad. My idea of a bad ally is someone who only aligns themselves with others for personal gain. When you’re talking about straight people being an ally for the gay community it really depends on intent. Many times it is just a matter of educating folks on what is right. In this age of being so completely politically correct, a person’s intent can be overshadowed by their wording. Find out what they truly mean and educate them on what is right and why. Oh yeah, ally, ally, allied ally and ally. Good luck my friend, Cassie.

Miss Nova,
Girl, my husband of four years has decided he wants to try his hand at a cleaning business. He has become very successful and does a magnificent job cleaning other people’s stuff. Meanwhile, meanwhile … did I say meanwhile? …. our place could use the same attention?! I work 50 hours plus at a nonprofit kitchen and work 20 hours part time and he is finally making some coin. Do I steal his money or gag him with a mop? I wanna know! Thank you in advance, Miss Lybarger.

Ok Miss Lybarger,
Calm dafuk down. If he is making good coin maybe you should hire someone to clean your house. I bet he probably knows someone. No one wants to come home from a hard day of working and do what they have been doing all day. Hell, when I get home from a show, the last thing I want to do is be entertaining and charming.

My husband gets asked on the regular, “Is Cassie always fun, I bet she is always a good time.” He tells them point blank, “Nope! At home she is boring as fuck.” I save all my energy and sass for the show.

You did say “our place” so maybe y’all could both clean the place together. Tell him you will do all kinds of nasty stuff to him if he does the dishes or vacuums. Try a little positive reinforcement. It works for training a puppy and most men are at least as smart as a puppy. Good luck! Cassie.

Dear Cassie,
Let me start by saying I love your column! I usually get at least two laugh-out-loud moments and I smile the entire time I’m reading it. We recently moved back to Texas from Minnesota and chose Oak Lawn because to leave a place as blue as Minnesota and move to almost any place in Texas other than here might cause my head to explode! You validate our choice every week.

Have you ever thought about doing a “How to Become a Diva” class for us middle aged white ladies? Every time I get dressed to go someplace special I feel like I could do so much better! Sending love and light your way and fuck those cracker bitches in Walmart and Ted Cruz and Donald Trump… I mean that in the nicest way. Smiles! Suzy.

Dear Crazy Ass Suzy,
Thank you for your kind words, I truly appreciate it. As far as having a class to become a diva, it sounds like you have all the sassiness a diva needs, so you are on your way. I would suggest going to see some of my fabulous make-up artist friends that work at places like Mac or Sephora. Go see Chanel LeMasters, Raquel Blake or Daphne Rio St. James. They do an incredible job of making gals like you look mo fabulous. I would do it but I only have one shade of makeup and that’s whore! So if you wanna look like a hard ass street walker, I’m your guy otherwise go see the real professionals. Good luck!

Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova

If you have a question of comment, email it to AskCassieNova@gmail.com.

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition February 19, 2016.

—  Craig Tuggle

Editorial Cartoon • 02.19.16

calencmyk

—  Dallasvoice

A Couple of Guys • 02.19.16

MANINTCH

—  Dallasvoice

Couples needed for wedding apparel fashion show

920x920Dallas Voice is looking for LGBT couples to model wedding attire at our upcoming Wedding Party and Expo. The event, the second that Dallas Voice has hosted since the Supreme Court’s marriage equality decision last June 26, will be held March 20.

Mark Stinson-Stokes, the Voice’s conference and events director, said he is looking for “a diverse group of couples/models” to “represent the beauty of the DFW LGBT community.” “Couples” are not required to actually be in a relationship to model as a couple in the fashion show. There is no compensation, other than paid parking and the chance to be a wedding fashion model.

Couples will be interviewed Saturday, Feb. 20, at the Dallas Voice offices, 1825 Market Center Blvd., Ste. 240 (that’s in the Chase Bank building at the corner of Market Center and Turtle Creek Boulevard, in the Design District.). No reservations or booking are required.

A small panel of people will participate in the interviews to choose four lesbian couples and four gay couples for the Wedding Party and Expo, set for noon-4 p.m. on March 20 at the Renaissance Dallas Hotel.

Those who are chosen to participate as models will be notified within 48 hours.

Anyone with question can contact Stinson by email at expo@dallasvoice.com.

—  Tammye Nash

Scene • 02.12.16

 

Making the SCENE the week of Feb. 12-18:

• Alexandre’s: K-Marie on Friday. Three Drunk Monkeys on Saturday. Chris Chism on Wednesday.

• Brick/Joe’s: Bearracuda featuring DJ Mateo Segade from 9 p.m.-3 a.m. on Saturday. Shy T presents Valentine’s Day Brick Pink and White Party with special guest Just Brittany, DJ Mmeka and Ida Mae Watergate at 9 p.m. on Sunday.

• Changes: The Divine Miss Divas Show at 10 p.m. on Friday.

• Club Reflection: Texas Gay Rodeo Association casserole cookoff at 4 p.m. and Valentine’s Show at 7 p.m. on Sunday. Wall of Food Show at 8 p.m. on Thursday.

• Dallas Eagle: DFW Leather Corps club night from 7-10 p.m. on Friday. United Court of the Lone Star Empire presents Angels vs. Demons benefiting the Greg Dollgener Memorial AIDS Fund at 7 p.m. on Friday. Discipline Corps club night from 10 p.m.-midnight on Friday. Texas Gay Rodeo Association presents Queen of the Closet from 5 p.m.-10 p.m. on Saturday. National Leather Association – Dallas club night from 7 p.m.-11 p.m. on Saturday.

• JR.’s Bar & Grill: Cassie’s Freak Show with Stefani, Nikki, Alexis and Your Highness on Monday.

• Round-Up Saloon: The ManCandy Wig Party, the most hair raising party of the year, with wigs, Jell-o, dancers and retro music and videos at 8 p.m. on Sunday.

• Sue Ellen’s: No Labels Band on Friday. The Roommates opens for Radio Love Bus on Saturday. Kathy & Bella at 3 p.m. and the Marisela Trio at 6 p.m. on Sunday.

• The Rose Room: Rising Star with Layla and Kelexis on Thursday.

• Urban Cowboy Saloon: Emperor’s Red Hot and White Ball buffet at 6 p.m. and ball at 7 p.m. on Saturday.

• Woody’s Sports & Video Bar: Music by Spencer at the Anti-Valentine’s Party on Sunday.

To view more Scene photos, go to DallasVoice.com/category/photos. Scene Photographers: Winston Lackey and Chad Mantooth.

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition February 12, 2016.

—  Dallasvoice

Crossword Puzzle • 02.05.16

Click to download this week’s PUZZLE
Click to download this week’s SOLUTION

—  Dallasvoice

Editorial Cartoon • 02.05.16

prayrcmyk1

—  Dallasvoice