Pope jokes: A rundown

11t--st-louis-cardinals-matt-holliday--170-millionI have some very funny Facebook friends.

No, seriously. They are quick-witted. So as soon as word broke that a new pope had been selected, my news feed was inundated with quotable lines. (Note: There’s a genuine history of new pope jokes. When Polish-born John Paul II was elected, I remember, “How do you choose a pope? Take a Pole!”) Here, then, are some of my favorites (starting with my own bit of blasphemy):

—  Arnold Wayne Jones

High Tech Happy Hour’s naughty FB friends

High Tech Happy Hour is a “a community service by the TI Pride Network, Texas Instruments’ lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and straight ally (LGBTA) employee diversity group. These events are open to all and everyone is invited. Our informal monthly happy hours and other activities are intended to increase professional and social contacts between our groups and individuals, and to foster a greater sense of community.” When I jumped over to their Facebook page for info on their next event, which is March 11 at The Cedars Social, I couldn’t help but notice the latest posts on their wall.

Guess naughty girls need drinks too. And we needed our chuckle.

—  Rich Lopez

Steve Holcomb is straight bear bait

A few months back Resource Center Dallas’ Rafael McDonnell penned a piece for our Viewpoints page about Steven “Holcy” Holcomb, the straight Olympic bobsled champion who refreshingly appreciates his many gay fans. At the time McDonnell noted that there’s even a Facebook fan page called, “Bears for Steve Holcomb,” which now has 1,870 members.

McDonnell reports that on Friday, he got a chance to meet Holcomb face to face. Holcomb was in Fort Worth at a national conference for Advocare, a nutrition and sports supplement company that also lists Cowboys tight end Jason Witten among its clients. Holcomb had invited all his Facebook friends to come to the event at the Fort Worth Convention Center. McDonnell, who sent along the above photo, said this of the encounter:

Jason [my roommate] and I both got pictures, and he told Holcomb that we were the two who were texting him while he competed in Canada. He not only remembered that, he also said that he suspected that the texter was a guy because we didn’t disclose a lot of personal information or offer up a picture. But, in his words, “That’s cool.” I told him about the column I wrote for the Voice and he got a big smile out of that.

As McDonnell noted in his original column, it’s sure nice to see a straight athlete who isn’t so homophobic that he squirms at the thought of having gay followers. But I’m also here to tell you that you don’t have to be a bear to want Holcomb to drive your sled. On the other hand, if you like bears or being chased by bears, you may want to pick up some Advocare.

—  John Wright

Beyond Butch


Keynote speaker Jessica Pettitt

By Renee Baker, GenderPower.com

If there’s one thing I’ve discovered in life, it is that I don’t have to take many steps forward before I stick another foot in my mouth.

This time, it happened just after I attended the Butch Voices Conference June 5 at Resource Center Dallas.

I was posting a note to my Facebook friends about the conference, and since I don’t identify as a butch, I made a “pre-emptive” statement saying, “And NO, I am not a butch!”

A friend called me to the carpet, “You said that as though it’s a bad thing to be butch.” I had to launch “Butch Appreciation Week” as my FB status to save myself!

Truly, I just didn’t want to be identified as butch, because I identify more as feminine. And truly, I do appreciate butches and we should start an appreciation week.

But being a transgender woman, I never felt an identity such as butch or femme applied to me. It is even a stretch for me to say I am a lesbian, though I’m in a relationship with another gal.

All these labels are still perplexing and complex. It takes about two seconds for the arguing to begin on what they all mean, what the implications are and who takes rightful ownership.

But a beautiful thing happened — there was none of this ego/identity arguing at the BV Conference. As Alpha Thomas said, it was all about honoring and respecting one another. Everyone had a chance to speak.

A major mission point of the BV Conference was and is to explore identities and embrace an entire spectrum of those who identify as Masculine of Center (a term coined by B. Cole of the Brown BOI Project).

It was not about “you have to be and do this,” in order “to qualify that you are this.”

Or as the conference organizers put it, “The point is, we don’t decide who is Butch, Stud or Aggressive. You get to decide for yourself.”

Thomas, an elder in the community, was happy to hear keynote speaker Jessica Pettitt urging everyone to relax about what a butch identity is. She had been waiting to hear this message for years.

She said, “God, am I hearing this? … I can’t believe this.”

Thomas said, “All these lines and labels separate us, they cause us to not work together, and it is time for the division to stop.”

She says we are an oppressed LGBT people and are oppressing each other with all these labels.

BV was a multi-cultural, age-diverse, mom and daughter, butch and butch-ally attended conference. And Thomas said, “The diversity made me feel so good.”

About 50 people were in attendance — including two men.

Wan-Lin Tsou felt the relaxed “define yourself” atmosphere to be very welcoming as well. She said the conference and keynote speaker really helped her to be proud of being a soft-butch that is attracted to other butches.

She said she had an “aha moment” when she realized she did “not need to feel weird or less-than just because I don’t necessarily match others’ … definition of being a part of the butch/femme dichotomy.”

Tsou also added, “It was also really enlightening to really look at labels as so limiting to not only myself but how I relate to others. Who is to say I can’t fall for a femme, too? And just because she ‘looks’ femme doesn’t mean that the way she carries herself isn’t butcher than me!”

For more about the Butch Voice National and Regional Conferences, go online to ButchVoices.com.

—  Dallasvoice

Fixing Craigslist

By Ty Pressley, The World According to Ty

For those of you who may not know, I’m pretty much like Scott Bakula from “Quantum Leap” (and I swear that any day now I’ll stop referring to that show in my punchline arsenal) — I’m bound and determined to fix the world.

Is there anything more amusing than the sordid and desperate ramblings found only in Missed Connections? Hmm, Dustin Pot Pie doing karaoke? Sue Sylvester from “Glee”? That might be it. Accordingly, I’ve decided to grace these CraigsList posters with my insightful — albeit unsolicited — advice.

After Hours TMC – Sat. Nite – m4m

Really like how forward you were. Not shy at all. I helped you find your vehicle in the rain. You drove me to my car. Regreting I didn’t get your contact information. Tell me about your vehicle make and model? Where was I parked and what did we do when we got there?

I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you either shared an awkward moment of silence; or, more realistically, you folded down the backseat and created your own version of Air Supply’s “Making Love Out of Nothing At All.” If he was so drunk that he couldn’t find his car on his own — gotta love that commitment to excellence — he’s not going to find your ad on CraigsList. Unless he’s one of my drunk Facebook friends.

S4 Dance Floor Friday night – m4m

Your were dancing with four of your friends and you and another was wearing a vest (But you were the one in a dark shirt with the vest). You were wearing i think black jeans/courderroids with white nike hitops..with a nice ass.. We dance for awhile back to back and i touch you ass couple of times.. love to meet you and hang out…

Hold up. Friday? S4? Wearing a vest?? This guy might actually be referring to me and my besties on the dance floor!! This. Is. Priceless. Before you mourn over what probably would have been a cross between “Bad Romance” and “I Will Always Love You,” realize that there is no such thing as a Missed Connection at S4. You either went home with them, or you didn’t. And they definitely weren’t corduroy pants.

American eagle ne mall – m4m

Saw a cute dude with his mom at American eagle we exchanged glances hit me up if you see this never done this before hope it works

Let me start this by pointing out the obvious: He was with his mom. That’s usually a good indication that he is either underage, has no money, or has no friends. And you want to find him?? And you expect us to believe that you’ve never tried to hook up with a stranger online before??

Guy in the Red Ford Ranger – m4m

Friday you cruised up and down Bowser close to the Hidden Door. You and I spoke, for a short time, you said I was HOT. What color tank was I wearing? We should meet again, and you should come prepared. BEAR on the balcony. PS: I liked the mustache and the goatee….

I am quickly losing faith in humanity. Your tank top was a dark shade of failure. And if he had been interested, he would have told you to hop in and come home before his lesbian roommate realizes he took her truck.

All of these people have a few things in common:

• None of them are getting laid tonight.

• Do these people not bother getting phone numbers, or Facebooks? If he’s cute, introduce yourself. Get his name!

• None of them has any initiative. Seriously, try something original if you want to give a guy your phone number. Ex: “If you wanna call me sometime, my phone number is written on the bathroom wall.”

* If you think you might want to hook up with them later, seize the moment and do something about it. CraigsList isn’t a time machine and your best chance at a happy ending on CraigsList is rubbing … a lamp.

—  Dallasvoice