Last year, I wrote a rather pointed column for the Frivolist called “9 reasons why coming out on a holiday isn’t a good idea,” which detailed the consequences of revealing your sexuality at an already stressful time of year, and it drew a fair amount of criticism (Dallas Voice wouldn’t even publish it). I stand by that piece, despite that I was branded a homophobe for it — though, I did provide my rebuttal to that misnomer — but this year I decided to take a lighter approach. So, sure, go ahead and come out around the holidays if that’s what you want to do. Just please, pleeeease don’t do it these ways.
1. Sneaking in a Grindr trick in the middle of the night. Nobody wants to get caught with their pants around their ankles while grandma sneaks down to the kitchen for a midnight slice of pie. Keep your tricks in the bag while you’re at home for the holidays, or at least be courteous enough to bang it out in a nearby parking lot and send him home with a parting gift.
2. Asking your gay uncle to do your bidding. OK, so your mom and your gay uncle are super-close. They trust each other, love each other, and there’s nothing that could drive a wedge between them. Until you came along, that is. Avoid this situation by resisting the urge to ask your gay family members to come out for you. Certainly you can ask them for support, but your coming out is just that — yours — and it’s not fair to put someone else in an awkward position if you don’t have the courage to do it yourself. If that’s the case, wait to come out when you’re confident and ready. You’ll have a better experience that way, and you won’t feel guilty by causing a potential rift in a perfectly good relationship.
3. Performing a short holi-gay skit. If your family wants to see a show, they’ll go to the community theater; no need to perform a three-act play on all the ways you’re gay right before lighting the menorah. If you crave attention that badly, and a thunderous applause for coming out, do it among friends at another non-specific time of year so you’ll have their undivided attention and they’ll have something to reminisce about for years to come.
4. Bringing your boyfriend or girlfriend without notice. Bringing a same-sex guest whom you’ve courted to a holiday meal without notice is not only a blind side, it’s rude as hell. In fact, this tip applies to all people — LGBT or not. Unless you’ve RSVPed for the additional person, you should arrive alone. If an exception needs to be made last minute — and, OK, it happens — call the host in advance to ask permission. If it’s your boyfriend or girlfriend you’d like to bring, at least that gives everyone a chance to process the impending situation a couple hours before it’s in their face.
5. Cueing up the adult video you star in. Sexting is fairly commonplace now — just ask everybody on Tinder and Snapchat — as is making private videos on your phone or computer. There’s nothing wrong with it either, so long as it’s consensual. I can guarantee, however, that the guests at your family’s holiday table don’t want to watch you get stuffed harder than that Thanksgiving turkey as they sit down to eat a delicious meal. Thus, refrain from cueing up your sex videos to break the coming-out ice, and steer clear of any professional videos you’ve made, too; despite the higher production value, it won’t make those giblets any more appealing.
6. Getting held up at the airport because of your dildo. If you thought telling your family that you’re gay will be difficult, just wait until you have to explain your penchant for big black rubber cock.
7. Preparing a monologue on all the ways everybody already dhould’ve known you’re LGBT. Quell your inner Robert Shaw and resist the urge to dramatically lambaste your family members for not recognizing the innumerable ways you’re gay. In fact, your sexuality may be a non-issue for your family — maybe they couldn’t care less about who you’re sleeping with as long as you’re healthy and happy — so just get to the point so they can all move on… to dessert.
8. Inviting your family to your local drag show. Nobody’s ready for that tragedy.
9. Leaving subtle hints, like filling the DVR with Rob Williams movies. As much as I love Rob Williams movies (Make the Yuletide Gay is a totally cute Christmas flick, and you should watch it), filling your DVR with his repertoire of sexy but seriously gay work is a cop out to coming out. Set aside some time with your family to speak for yourself and come out in a manner where all members can process the information, ask the questions they need to ask, and move on. Besides, there are so many other awesome gay things on this time of year — like the drunk AF “Judy Garland Christmas Special” — and you’ll need all the free space you can get.
— Mikey Rox