Oy to the World or Blue Suede Jews: Here’s my much-awaited annual ‘why I hate Hanukkah’ post

Now THAT’S a menorah!

Hanukkah is the least important holiday on the Jewish calendar. Funny, it’s the one everyone’s heard of.

Hanukkah is the only Jewish holiday based on a story we know is not true. Other stories may or may not be true, but this one we know is historical hooey.

Some other Jewish holidays also celebrate events: Passover — the escape of the Jews from Egypt including the parting of the Red Sea and the plagues; Purim — Queen Esther saved the Jews from the evil Haman when she told the king that if he killed all the Jews, he’d have to kill her as well because she, too, as Jewish; Shavuot — the giving of the law, when God gave Moses the Ten Commandments on Mount Sinai; Tisha B’Av — the destruction of the first and second temples. The two destructions may not have happened on the same dates, but there’s little question they were destroyed.

But Hanukkah and the myth of the oil? Never happened. Not even in someone’s drug-addled dreams.

The story was made up about 200 years later, which is probably the most interesting part of the Hanukkah story — but definitely not part of the holiday celebration.

—  David Taffet

On the fourth day of Channukah … more reasons to hate the holiday

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After reposting my first (C)han(n)uk(k)a(h) article on Facebook and elsewhere, I got (mostly) positive reactions from my Jewish and Christian friends who know when not to take me too seriously and negative, horrified reactions from non-Jewish readers who called me everything from a self-hating Jew (because religiously, I prefer Yom Kippur and Passover to Hannukah) to simply a jerk. So with a reaction like that, you know I HAD to come up with MORE reasons I HATE HANUKKAH and would like to see it removed from the Jewish calendar.

1. Apparently the early rabbis hated this holiday too

According to Congregation Beth El Binah’s Rabbi Jeffrey Leynor, in the early rabbinic period of Judaism, the rabbis tried to eliminate this holiday too. (Early rabbinic Judaism dates from the expulsion from Jerusalem in 68 until about 600). They eliminated two other holidays — the New Year of Kings (secular New Year) and the New Year for Animal Tithes (tax day).

The New Year for Kings took place on the first day of the year. So now we celebrate the New Year on Rosh Hashanah (the religious new year), which takes place on the first day of the seventh month. You gotta love a calendar that does that. It would be as if New Years was still on January 1, but we didn’t change the year number until July 1. This is going to the top of my list of why I love Rosh Hashanah. But I digress.

Apparently, the rabbis tried to get rid of Hannukah also, because of its glorification of war. But it was so popular at the time, their efforts failed. That was when they came up with the myth of the oil to de-emphasize the military component.

2. The Hasmoneans took the throne

I know! I’m usually a very tolerant person, but I can’t stand Hasmoneans either. As a result of the guerrilla war that defeated the Greeks, the Jews established a Jewish state (Judea, which was located in what is now the West Bank) that lasted for 90 years — the last independent Jewish state until Israel in 1948.

Judea was a good thing. But run by the Hasmoneans? Please. They weren’t even from the Davidic line and within a generation they were inept and corrupt and unpopular. And who would vote for a non-Davidic king? (What? They didn’t vote…?)

—  David Taffet