Tex’n the City: Item No. 3 — Hot bod

As Brandon James Singleton approached 30, he made a checklist of accomplishments. So far, he’s achieved Nos. 1 (dream home), 2 (career) and 9 (a great best friend). That still leaves a good social circle (No. 5), a promising boyfriend (No. 6), a drama-free life (No. 7), “respect” (No. 8) and even being ready to turn 40 one day (No. 10). But being a gay man, he has an even more pressing priority first: A gym body.

MISSING

One chiseled, Roman-god-like muscle physique. Shade of mahogany.

Last seen with a set of washboard abs.

If found, please contact owner.

So, there’s clearly something in the water in good ol’ Cali. It’s like everyone has a perfect gym-body. I mean, what happened to the days when people used to go to the gym, hang out on the treadmill for 10 minutes, make a few rounds while pretending the machine you want to use is taken … then, while drinking the little plastic cone of water at the cooler, you toss it in your face to give off the appearance of sweat — you know, after pumping all that iron — then hit up the local Dunkin Donuts conveniently four blocks away, afterwards, as a good workout treat.

Apparently in Hollywood, believe it or not, people actually workout! Blows my mind! I miss Texas.

Anyway, so I’ve decided it’s time to do the unthinkable. I’m getting a gym membership. Help me.

My buddy Kyle lives in WeHo. He offered to let me tag along with him at his gym as his guest,  and see if I liked it and would join. His only advice, “Don’t let yourself get intimidated. Some of these people have been working out forever. You can’t expect the same immediate results. It’ll take time. But it’ll be worth it.”

Lacy, the front desk receptionist: Amazing! She gets my humor immediately. Future BFF, I’m sure.

We finish checking in, and Kyle goes off on his own gym regime, leavomh me on my own to explore.

First encounter: Blue V-Neck Guy. Hate him. And his boulder-size arms. He can suck it.

Second encounter: Yellow Shorts Guy. Hate him. And his thighs of steel. He can suck it, too.

I make my way into the open dance room. Dancefloor. Mirrors. I’m home! The Zumba instructor was just packing up his stuff. He jokes about how I missed his best class yet. He’s cute. I’ll play along.

“…Blah Blah Blah…I’m Brandon…”

“…Matt…”

“Blah Blah Blah…just moved here from Texas…”

“…Welcome to Cali…Blah Blah…”

We talk about how insanely in-shape everyone here in Hollywood seems to be. He found me amusing. He clearly didn’t get the memo I was completely being serious. Again, he’s cute. I’ll let it slide.

Out of nowhere, he goes a little Jenny Craig consultant on me. He stands me up in front of the mirror. He starts to compliment me and it’s only polite of me to stand quietly and let him continue. I mean, I don’t wanna be rude. Matt, hottie WeHo Zumba instructor, starts making me take notice of the attributes I should be proud of. Ummm, thanks for the unpaid therapy session, Stewart Smalley, but ummmm, no. Well if I hadn’t already mentioned, he is cute. And 10 more minutes together and I could consider this my first date in Hollywood, right? No. Suck it.

Anyway, Matt shares that once upon a time he used to be a bit of a porker. (ME, TOO! SOULMATES!) But funnily, he does help me with a little confidence booster. He makes me stand in front of the mirror, takes off his shirt and stands next to me.

“Want you to make me feel, like I’m the only gay in the world…”

Can’t lie. I couldn’t stop staring at his abs so I’m not really certain what he started saying. I came in right around the point when he said “…and everyone can pick out flaws and parts of their body that they would change if they could. No matter how they work to achieve their physical goals. When I moved here a few years back from Michigan, I was afraid to even go to any pool parties or to the beach just to avoid the embarrassment I put on myself. But what I had to do is look back and learn to appreciate what I DO have and no matterhow much I want to look like Black Bandana Guy over thereby the free weights, I don’t. I’m happy with me. And it made working out, no longer something I was dreading, but something that I started to enjoy. And little by little, I set little realistic goals for myself, and just keep reminding myself, it’s all worth it.”

I went back to Lacy’s desk and officially signed up for a membership. David Beckham abs, here I come!

It’s not like I didn’t know what Matt told me, but sometimes you just need a little reminder. And when the reminder is coming out of a really nice guy, it doesn’t hurt.

And, did I mention he was hot?

peace out xoxoxo

@The_HugoBoss

#TXNTC

—  Arnold Wayne Jones