Mississippi embryo law is so dumb, it could be brilliant

I’m actually pretty excited about this Mississippi legislative bill that would declare every everyone, including a fertilized embryo, a “person” in order to essentially turn abortion into murder, because these morons obviously know nothing about the law of unintended consequences. Here are the arguments I wanna see made in Mississippi if the law passes:

• If I were an illegal aliens, I would get knocked up and stay knocked up. Any child conceived in Mississippi, under that law, would be entitled to all the protections of law, including citizenship. Their mothers can’t be deported because that would deny the rights of the unborn (but legal) child. The embryo would also be entitled to state benefits from the moment conceived. In fact, you could just claim it with a home pregnancy test.

• If an embryo is a human and frozen as part of in vitro, I would open a huge embryo storage warehouse in a remote area of the state. I would then declare all of these embryos, as “people,” entitled to be counted in the census and for purposes of congressional representation. Same with all the pregnant women. Suddenly, maybe a few hundred voting-aged folks will be entitled to several congressmen … maybe even in minority districts. (Wouldn’t it be funny if all the embryos were of white babies, but all the adults voters were minorities? The district would be technically not minority, but the practical political effect would be that it was.)

• If you can prove that a Mississippi resident was pregnant and went to another state to have an abortion, then returned to Mississippi, I don’t see why you couldn’t prosecute that woman for murder.

• Since the embryo is a person, those exceptions pro-lifers are always willing to concede — health/life of the mother, rape, incest — cannot be used. I can’t wait until the daughter of  head of the Republican party has an ectopic pregnancy, or a serious condition that makes carrying a baby life-threatening. She can go to jail for saving her own life and see how Daddy feels about it. Or she can die. Her choice.

Welcome to the world of your narrow-minded bigotry, folks.

—  Arnold Wayne Jones