The good, the bad, the Bernhard

Posted on 14 Jun 2007 at 4:24pm
By Lawrence Ferber Contributing Writer

While hawking a re-tooled version of her newest CD, Sandra chats about “‘crazy Britney,’ Ann Coulter and steering her daughter away from “‘American Idol’



NO BRITNEY SPEARS EVER! Mama Bernhard is raising her daughter to be a great thinker.

Before Rosie’s abrupt exit, Elisabeth Hasselbeck blew her conservative stack with another queer comedian. It happened last year back when Star Jones’ bourgie ass was sitting on “The View” couch. Sandra Bernhard and Hasselbeck dueled over of Laura Bush and her seemingly narcotized role as first lady.

Now Rosie and Sandra are in the same boat. Literally.

From July 7 to July 14, the sapphic provocateurs will join forces at sea (with their kids, no less) on an R Family Vacations’ summer adventure cruise.

For those landlubbers who can’t sail with them, Bernhard has a new unexpurgated mix of comedy, music and political commentary. Last week, she re-released an updated version of “Everything Bad & Beautiful” (Breaking Records), a recording of her touring production of the same name that stopped at Dallas’ Majestic Theatre a few months ago. The enhanced CD includes a new dance track, “Perfection,” and video footage.

But the Michigan-born, multi-talent is also working on a new show, “Plan B from Outer Space.” She recently chatted by phone.

One show in the can, and you’re already touring a new one. What’s “Plan B from Outer Space” about?
It is more of an improvised, in-the-moment show. One that enables me to pick whatever is going on in my life and the world. Trying to take “Everything Bad & Beautiful” to every market was difficult because it has more musicians. This one’s easier to take on the road.

Since you might speak from experience, what did you think the “The View” fracas with Rosie leaving?
Oh listen, they’ve thrown it to the dogs there. If you want to set up substandard dialogue with people who aren’t informed or educated to have a proper exchange, they’ve accomplished it. It’s not something I watch or get roped into. It’s a shame there’s not a more real intelligent exchange going on with the [political and social] specters over us.


What style of mustache would you have drawn on a Elisabeth Hasselbeck photo? Salvador Dali, John Waters, Hitler?
I wouldn’t have wasted my time. Sorry!

Speaking of Hilter How hot is Ann Coulter?
I know you’re kidding.

Were you shocked to hear Anne Coulter call John Edwards a faggot?
No, honey. I was shocked when I met her in the green room at FOX News. She came running up to me and introduced herself and said, “Remember I came back to meet you after one of your one-woman shows with Bob Guccione, Jr.? I think you’re fabulous!”

That’s what shocked me.

Oh, yeah. Ann Coulter loves my ass, which makes it all the more insane that she wouldn’t carry on her politics in a way so that she could actually be friends with groovy people like me. She’s crazy.”

Do you think Ann Coulter is for real?
No. I think she just wants attention. She’s got some emotional deficit.

Do you think Madonna is kicking herself for essentially anointing Britney by handing the torch to her a few years ago?
No. She always makes statements that Madonna can’t control [what someone else does]. Few of us can.

Are you shocked by Britney and her antics?
No. Britney had a crackwhore mother who pushed her into this disgusting business. She has no resources. She’s had no experience emotionally growing up in any kind of resourceful, healthy way. What’s she supposed to be? Of course she’s insane.

What about your daughter, Cicely? Is she aiming for a career in showbiz?
She talks about being a poet and playwright. You can’t argue with that. It’s wonderful. She’s going in an artistic direction. She certainly isn’t ready to jump into the “‘”American Idol” gene pool of total dreck and mediocrity.

What if you caught her lip-synching to Britney?
That would just never fucking happen. She’s a fabulous child. She’s brilliant. And I raised her in the manner of great thinking people.

Does she ever see your shows?
No. She’s allowed to, but she doesn’t need to hang out in the theater. She needs to be in bed.

So TV and “‘American Idol’ are out. Do you have any bad habits or vices these days, though?
I have a really bad habit of taking washcloths from hotels.
White ones, with the round corners I use them back home to wipe up around my sink. I’m obsessive. After I brush my teeth or wash my face if there’s a drop of water on the faucet or sink I take one of my washcloths and clean them up. I love them when they’re 100 percent cotton. I have good ones from the Palais Jamai Fes. They were mint and had the P and J sewn in. Very chic.

Read Lawrence Ferber’s blog at ewelthorpe.blogspot.com.

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition, June 15, 2007.

Comments

comments

Powered by Facebook Comments