Waiter! There’s a bug in my salad

Posted on 25 May 2006 at 8:10pm

Helpful hints about dining at the backdoor bakery



Dear Jen,
Can you get intestinal parasites from anal-oral play? I enjoy both giving and receiving. But sometimes, I’m a little shy fearing of picking up some nasty stuff. Is this an anal-phobic myth or a reasonable concern?
Got a Bug Up My Butt

Dear Bug,
If you think about all the little sex-given goodies out there crabs, warts, blisters, rashes, scabies, ulcers, hemorrhoids, discharge, jaundice, fissures and unidentifiable crusty stuff it’s a wonder any of us ever take our pants off.

But you’re correct. It is possible to get parasites from performing anilingus. Luckily, just like with the rest of these cooties, there are protection methods.
At any decent sex shop, you can buy protective barriers, such as dental dams or Glyde dams. Then simply lay the sheet of soft, silky latex on your partner’s buttinsky, and start licking.

If you’re caught up in a hot moment and don’t have a dam on hand, go to the kitchen and grab some cellophane it works just as well. All will protect your mouth from making contact with the wormhole, thereby preventing you from ingesting parasites and risk infection (should your partner even have any, obviously).

While I salute you for getting all the facts and being responsible, make sure you don’t get so caught up with worry that you forget to enjoy yourself. It’s like sitting down to polish off an entire pizza and spending the whole time thinking, “Oh, this is bad. This pizza is going straight to my hips.”
Avoid such pointless thinking. I know enough sluts to fill several locker rooms. And none of us have ever had a case of the bugs. Just be smart, be careful, and start rimming your little heart out.

Let the ho go
Dear Jen,
My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly three years. We have broken up over and over in that amount of time. And we recently had a big fight that I think has busted us up for good. I just found out that she went on a date with another chick and kissed her. And we’d only been broken up for a matter of days.

She still wants me back, and I still love her, but I’m pissed off at her.
What should I do? Should I try to work things out, or just forget about her and move on?
Thin Line Between Love and Hate


Jen Sincero Sex Expert

Dear Thin Line,
When I was little, my younger brother and I had this routine: He’d come up and poke me in the arm, and I’d turn around and send him flying across the room. He’d howl his head off for a couple of minutes, wipe away the tears, and then come over and poke me in the arm again. This would go on for hours until he got bored or it was time for dinner. But Mom never stepped in because, “it was just too incredible. I either had to let him figure it out on his own, or worry that I had a severe moron for a child.”

After about a year, he grew out of it, which is the big difference between my story and yours, since it says here that you’re closing in on year three. That and the fact that my brother was still in diapers, and I’m assuming you’ve been granted the right to vote.

Your letter amazes me because it poses a much bigger question than the one it’s asking: Why is it that most of us “grownups” can’t see a problem, even if it’s sitting right there on our own faces? Our friends can see it no problemo, and we can see theirs, but we lose all sense of sight, sound and dignity when it comes to our most blazingly obvious bad decisions. Especially if the sex is really hot.

Believe me, I’m in no position to judge you on this my friends have been rolling their eyes at me for years but I’m flabbergasted by the realization of just how blind we all can be. Or rather how blind we choose to be. Because a lot of our questions are as complex as: I’m hitting myself in the head with a hammer and it really hurts. Should I stop? We know the answer, but in order to stay in the comfort zone of familiar wrongs that have been done to us in the past, or to validate our feelings of unworthiness, we fuzz it all up with stuff about missing the hammer and worrying that the muscle tone in our swinging arm will be compromised. Silly, ain’t it?

Your relationship is a whole lot of drama with some shredded drama sprinkled on top, cooked in a heavy drama sauce and baked in a drama pan. Methinks perhaps you’ve been raised on this diet. But it’s time to change your ways. Miss Kissedanotherchick has given you a great gift by pissing you off she’s given you the much-needed strength to give her the old heave ho. Don’t wait around and get sucked back in by hot make-up sex get while the getting’s good!

Behold a poop fetish
Dear Jen,
I’m a 38-year-old, HIV-positive gay man. I recently broke up with my partner. And for the first time in years, I’m back in the dating scene. How long should I wait before telling the person I’m dating that I’m positive?
In the Poz Closet
Dear Closet,

There’s a scene in “Brokeback Mountain” where, at the end of one of their forbidden, excruciatingly beautiful weeks together, Ennis tells Jack that he can’t see him that summer as they had planned. Jack freaks out and says,

“You know, you had a whole week to say something about this!”

When? The first day? The third?

Jack, does it really matter when?

I bring this up because I bring up “Brokeback Mountain” whenever I can, and also to illustrate the point that there’s never an easy time to tell someone something huge and emotional.

In your case, it’s mostly important that you tell him before you partake in any sort of sexual activity that would put him at risk. And, if it’s not just a quickie, try to give it a few dates. Wait until there’s a connection and an understanding that you both like each other and want to take it further. The more comfortable you feel with him, the easier it will be.

Keep in mind that while your secret may be big and scary, you’re not the only one lugging stuff around. Who knows, maybe he’ll be sitting across from you, staring into your eyes and wondering when the hell he’s going to tell you that he’s got nine children and a poop fetish?

Jen Sincero lives in the Silverlake area of Los Angeles. She’s a syndicated columnist and the author of “Don’t Sleep with Your Drummer” (MTV Books) and “The Straight Girls Guide to Sleeping with Chicks” (Fireside). www.jensincero.com.
E-mail: advice@jensincero.com

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