Who will direct the next 'Twilight' movie? Why not me?

Posted on 17 Mar 2010 at 8:32am

Lautner

Many film series keep their tone, and their success, by hiring the same directors for multiple installments. It makes sense: The directors know the process, know the actors, know the plot and characters. It is efficient. Spielberg has helmed all four Indiana Jones movies; Terence Young did three of the first four Bond films; Chris Columbus launched the first two installments in the Harry Potter series, and now David Yates is finishing up the last four.

Not Twilight.

Four movies — five if they end of breaking the final film into a two-parter — and four different directors, it’s looking like: Catherine Hardwicke, Chris Weitz, David Slade (for the upcoming Eclipse) and … well, that’s the question. None of the prior three can be called “acclaimed hitmakers” … at least not at the same time. Hardwicke made the indie Thirteen; Weitz directed About a Boy… but also The Golden Compass (a film series that never was, nor should be); Slade’s best known film is about vampires in the arctic.

Worst yet, none of them are gay.

See, Twilight needs to be directed by a gay man. Personally, I think the films are MISERABLE, AWFUL affairs, but I watch them because of *sigh* Taylor Lautner. My preoccupation with him is no secret. But don’t translate that into appreciation for these movies.

Well, maybe the producers are finally on to something. Word has it that two gay male directors — both of whom have actual Oscar cred — have been approached for the final film (or films): Gus Van Sant (Oscar nominee for Milk and Good Will Hunting) and Bill Condon (director of Dreamgirls, Oscar winner for writing Gods & Monsters). Also in the mix is honorary gay man Sofia Coppola who (gag!) also has an Oscar.

This is a good start. But it’s not necessary. Since the movies are shitty anyway, why spend that kind of dough on A-listers? You haven’t so far. Give it to me. I haven’t read the books, meaning I haven’t drunk the Kool-Aid. I know what’s wrong with the movies, so I’ll steer clear. I know how to make Taylor Lautner *sigh* look hot. And I’ll work cheap … like, if you let me share a trailer with one of the now-18-or-over stars who shall remain nameless (and shirtless). Why go classy now?

I’m sure I can work something out with my boss. You have my number.

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