How to do the wrong thing right

Happy nocturnal tricks-and-treats to all you diabolically dear boyz-of-the-night! Candy-ass Howard here, in keeping with the scream-worthy spirit of the season, is about to go all whistleblower on a couple of your more devilish tricks (pun!) that you play so ghoulishly on your, ahem, clientele: The “loads” of call-boy queries I regularly receive astound even jaded ol’ me, so let us plunge deep, deep into the double-entendre bowels of caveat emptor advertising as I lift the abominable veil of miasmic fog from the swampier Rent-A-Ramboner ploys. But fret not, shady boyz! I won’t expose all your demented favorites; but let’s everyone now turn rapaciously “pro” for just a moment, drop our filthy drawers, toss a few wadded Benjamins onto the hotel nightstand, and get frighteningly right to it.

Dear Howard,

I live on a very fixed income, which on a retired teacher’s pension is mandatory, not optional. I don’t smoke, nor drink alcohol, I’ve never used drugs… and I’ve also never had a lover, or even a long-term boyfriend. I came to peace many years ago with the sober truth that I’ve never been, to phrase it kindly as possible, “a looker.” As Lincoln said, “Show me a man without vices, and I’ll show you a man without virtues.” My sole “vice” is that every couple months I’m able to afford a splurge for sex, although I’m too ashamed to rent locally; instead, I always import someone here from out-of-state for an “overnighter.”

Long story short, I’m flying in a new boy the day before Halloween — a really nice-sounding kid from Charleston, whom I’ve been emailing and texting for a couple weeks now. His ad’s headline says he’s a big “NC Buddy” and my experiences with guys from North Carolina have always gone well; it was only as I was purchasing his airfare when I stupidly realized Charleston isn’t actually in North Carolina? Howard, please tell me that “NC” is oblate for, say, “Network Computer” Buddy, or “Non Competitive” Buddy, or “No Complaints” Buddy? — T. Rex

Dear Trixie,

Oh, lordy, girlene, I don’t know whether to laugh at you or cry for you. But even Howard had to do some research on this one. The news, sadly, isn’t particularly appetizing. I’d much rather report that “NC” stands for, oh, a buddy who enjoys (wink/wink!) consensually “non-consensual” twisted sex, or “negative control” S&M bedroom adventures. However, I’m afraid you’ll be experiencing thrills with your “NC Buddy” more along such sodomite-lines of obfuscation that one would, most likely, never request even an edgy “fetish” as this of his very own boyfriend/lover/spouse. In essence, Trixalicious, when Mr. Rent-A-Dick arrives at your (please, God!) fleabag motel with (no doubt) his portable rimming seat in tow, you should probably expect something just a trifle more…. um, “flavorfully homemade” for your hors d’oeuvres’ course than mere felched spooge prior to taking him out to dinner: “NC” Buddy is the abbreviation for “nature calls.” P.S. Make sure the room is well-stocked with towels!

Dear Howard,

I’m in my late 40s with a bit of a jellyroll/muffin-top kind of thing going on around the middle. My hair’s all taken the last chopper out of Saigon, and what few listless stragglers remain are now “melanin-challenged” … all right, I’m closer to, like, my early … OK, mid-50s, we’ll say. Anyhow, Howard, my point is: I haven’t been cruised by even so much as one single man in at least a dozen years. What little sex I get, I have to hire it. I’m scared witless about putting myself out there on Grindr, BoyAhoy, Bender, Hornet, Scruff and the like, although most the people at my office are on them — the Millennials, in any case — but those sites are way too “shameless” for me. My generation didn’t selfie our own dick pix. So what do I do? I pay-to-play with the gay-for-pay: Whenever I go online to hire an escort, though, the “advanced search filter” lists four options of “safe sex” to choose from: 1. Always. 2. Sometimes. 3. Needs Discussion. 4. Never.

Naturally, I only choose “always,” but what does it mean when a “safe only” escort lists for his “preferences” that he’s “friendly” to providing a “BF Experience? ”Does it mean he won’t mind pretending to be my boyfriend when we’re out in public, or, does it mean that he’s friendly to a long-term relationship with just one client? — B.M.B.

Dear Bamboozled Mush Brains,

Seriously, just how big was that pile of used dildos you rode into town on? I’m one-hundred-percent presuming here that you’re one of my preciously adorable, fame-at-any-cost boys, whose sole aim is but to see his “shockingly” creative, I’m-such-an-innocent-doe-among-wolves question published; if so, congratulations, Bambi! The “Boyfriend Experience” means that your very “magnetic” full of “positive” energy “safe only” hired rental cock will be positively elated to blast a massively gifted wad up your tweaking butt, sans using any condom whatsoever. That’s what his “safe only” ad, promising to provide you a fully “friendly BF Experience” you’ll never forget means.

— Howard Lewis Russell

Do you (attention-seeking freaks and all) have a question — about etiquette, love, life or work — that needs a special spin from Howard? Send your problem to [email protected] and he may answer it.