Merch for the new year

Hey ya’ll. Happy New Year and stuff … and good luck with all that New Year-new me bullshit. Most of ya’ll are still gonna be the same bitchy homos you have always been. I know I will. Who knows — maybe 2019 will be the year that we all do everything we set our minds to.

I will be making only one New Year’s resolution: In 2019, I will have merch. As God is my witness, I will have Cassie Nova t-shirts, fans and other kitschy crap for sale in 2019.

There are drag queens that have been doing drag for two weeks and already have merch. I have no excuse. What if nobody wants to buy a “Jesus loves you, but I think you’re a cunt” t-shirt? My dream is to one day be at the mall, or more likely Wal-Mart, and see some rando wearing my face stretched out over dem titties or a hot guy sporting my mug between his perky little nips.

I should also have candles made, so that if someone wants to make a Cassie Nova altar in their home it would feel more authentic.

Or Cassie Nova candy — gummies shaped like my fat head with different wigs that hopefully people will say, “This tastes funny.”

Or my own line of awful greeting cards that you could give to your family when you need to come out but want help doing it. The outside could say, “Guess what Grandma!” The inside would say, “Your grandson is a cocksucker!” You know, heart felt, classy stuff.

I am gonna be rich!

Now for the gift that keeps on giving — like herpes — let me force my advice on some unsuspecting folks.

Dear Cassie: My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. About a year ago, we decided to have an “open” relationship. However it’s pretty much turned into only him being allowed to sleep around. I don’t ask questions or expect things. Yet he asks a million questions, and when he finds out that I have, in fact, slept with someone, it turns into a huge fight. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t have sex anymore for fear of starting another fight.

I’ve tried talking to him about it hundreds of times; it just starts a fight. What should I do to liberate my sex life again? I love the guy and don’t want him out of my life. Am I being greedy? Thanks in advance — Mr. X

Dear Mr. X: No bitch, you are not being greedy; you are being stupid. So you are just gonna let him have his cake and fuck it too? What do you mean you don’t ask questions or expect things? That’s fucked up. You are basically letting him treat you like you are the side piece. You don’t have a boyfriend; you have a bully, and you are playing the victim.

Your “open” relationship is obviously not working. Relationships are supposed to be 50/50. You are setting a bad precedent by letting him step out on you, but when you do it starts a fight. He’s being selfish, and you are letting him get away with it. I get that you love him, but sometimes love is not enough.

Do you ask him a million questions when he has trade? How innocent are you in this mess? Ya’ll need to respect each other enough to make some rules. I honestly don’t think jealous people can be in open relationships.

Good luck with your Titanic relationship because there are many icebergs ahead. PEACE!

Dearest Cassie Nova: My husband and I have been together for nine years and married for three of those years. But for the last year or so, I feel we are basically roommates with rings. We haven’t had sex in forever. My roomie with a ring is about 10 years older than I am — and I am no spring chicken! — and has little to no interest in sex or even being affectionate.

Meanwhile, a guy at work has started showing an interest in me and — OH MY GOD! — he is hawt! He said he wants to get to know me better, and I want to get to know him, too. I am feeling such excitement, like I haven’t felt in years.

We haven’t done anything yet, but I feel I still need sex and fun in my life. Why should I go without if my own husband won’t give it to me? Should I just go for this new guy and see what happens, or should I just settle. I’m so conflicted. Signed — Not Dead Yet!

Dear NDY: If you are looking for permission to cheat on your husband, then go somewhere else. If you really love him — or ever did — you should respect him enough to be honest with him. I get that this new guy makes you feel all giddy like a little girl, but have you thought about the consequences of pursuing this new guy? I am not saying that you shouldn’t, but you need to ask yourself if you are really willing to change everything.

Are you happy? If the answer is no then do something about it. Are you only staying with your husband out of convenience? If he was affectionate and fucked you on the regular, would you still be into this new guy?

Demand change. Let your husband know that you need more from this relationship, and if you don’t get it, he may lose you. COMMUNICATION! Try it.

It seems to me that you have already made up your mind ,and you are eventually going to cheat. Who knows — maybe this guy is going to be the love of your life. But if he’s not, are you ready to lose your husband over a fling?

The grass is always greener til you get to the other side and realize you are standing on some fake-ass astro turf when all your original yard needed was a little love and maintenance to be beautiful. Good luck!

Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova.

You can contact Cassie at [email protected].