Flu, peeing and trusting an ex

Hey, y’all. When I sit down to write this mess, I tend to write about whatever has been on my mind that week. This week, my husband and I have had the freakin’ flu. That shit has kicked our asses for five solid days. Last Sunday was Jamie’s first day off in weeks and he was sick. I was hoping to go see a movie or have a fabulous Sunday Funday, but no. Instead of brunch, we took a trip to CareNow where he received the wonderful news (flu!) Dammit!!

The next morning, I woke up feeling like death as well. My doctor gave me Tamiflu saying we might catch it in time to knock it out. I’m not sure if we did; here it is Saturday, and I am just now feeling normalish.

The flu is no joke this year. We both had our flu shots but still got it. I still say always get your flu shots. Apparently it could have been a lot worse. I will say, thank God for drugs. That Tylenol with codeine helped us sleep even though I couldn’t feel my face or anything else for a few hours. Oh, now I get it: That song by The Weeknd is about drugs. Duh!

I try not to be such a pussy when I am sick, but I coughed so much that my diaphragm muscles felt like I had been doing hundreds of crunches. I almost feel like I should have rock-hard abs and a flat stomach by now. When most people get sick they lose a few pounds from not having an appetite. My poor husband had zero appetite — I had to force him to eat or drink anything. I, on the other hand, stayed hungry. I couldn’t taste anything, but that didn’t stop my fat ass from eating.

On a lighter note, let me tell you about something that happened to me last weekend after the show. I parked in the paid parking area where the Caven employees park before the show. Fast forward to the end of the night I’m fresh out of drag, looking and feeling haggard. It is probably 2:30 in the morning and I just wanna jump in my car and get home. I notice this dude standing very close to my car. My first thought was, oh shit, where is my Taser? Then I realize the motherfucker is peeing.

He sees me and zips up and walks to his car parked behind mine.

I get around to my driver’s side where he was peeing and see that he has pissed all over my front right wheel. I love my car; it’s totes adorbs. So I hulked up. I am pissed. I turned to that asshole screaming, “You pissed on my car!” He had the nerve to smile at me as he slammed his door.

I didn’t know what to do. I was so angry. I thought, find a rock and smash out all of his windows, pull him out of his car, whoop his ass, jump on top of his car and keep jumping till my rage went away. All of that went through my mind quickly, but I settled on a much less violent approach. I whipped my dick out and forced out as much pee as I could muster and soaked the side of his car as he drove away. The look on his face was worth it though; he looked like, “What the fuck? This homo is crazy!” He wasn’t smiling anymore.

The truth is, I almost pulled a groin muscle and ruptured my nuts trying to force pee out in time to get it on his car. I didn’t exactly soak it, more like an S.O.S. message: Dot dot dash dash dot.

I stood there, dick in hand, just as pleased with myself as I could be. I then realized what it must look like to anyone standing around, so I made myself right and looked around. Luckily there was nobody else around that I could see. Please God do not let there be a video somewhere of that incident. And to the guy that pissed on my tire? Betcha won’t do it again!

Now, as if I have the right, let me help out some folks.

Dear Cassie, I had a boyfriend for about three years. We recently broke up. While we were together, we adopted two dogs and a cat. All rescues and all three became our children. Our break-up was hard, but we have decided to remain friends because I know he loves the animals as much as I do.

He has asked if he can keep the dogs at his place for the weekends. I live in a house with a yard. He now has a small apartment in Oak Lawn. I hate the idea of them being around streets and cars so much. One problem we had when we were together was I was the disciplinarian. He never made them listen or mind him, so I don’t trust that they will listen to him out in public where they could be put in danger. Part of me thinks that the animals are going to help us get back together. Should I let him take the dogs on the weekend or should I be selfish? Thanks, Byron.

Dear Byron, Child, I do not envy you. First off, trust your gut. If you don’t think that he can control the dogs out in public then do not let him take them. Let him know he can come over and spend time with them in the safety of your yard. Are your animals big or small? How do they act in public or when they encounter other dogs? If your dogs are yard dogs and don’t know how to act on a leash, then you need to train them if you are ever going to let them go to his apartment.

Honestly, it sounds to me like you want to get back with your ex. Would y’all still talk if you didn’t have dogs? Good lord, could you imagine how hard this would be with actual children. Like I said, trust your gut. If you trust him to keep them safe then let him take them, otherwise… you got a yard for a reason. Good luck to you both, Cassie.

Dearest Cassie, I miss the old Rose Room. Drag just doesn’t feel the same as it did back in the day. That small Rose Room was so much better than the giant room you have now. Do you think drag has changed too much? Signed, Miss Nostalgic.

Dear Debbie Downer, Yes, drag has changed. I too miss the old Rose Room. It was awesome. It was so intimate and personal. You were right up on the girls as they performed. As an entertainer we always complained that the room was too small, but when we got the new room, we gave up a lot of that intimacy for a bigger and in some ways better show.

Drag feels different for many reasons. First off, there will never be a time as fun as when you first start coming out and being around your people. Those first five years of coming out to the shows, everything was better. The music, the people, just everything. Drag seemed better because it was fresh and new to you. Just like to some new kid who will look back on the “now” times and say the same thing you are saying in the future. It is an evolution. I’m glad you remember the old Rose Room so fondly, so do I. Just accept that things change, give the now a chance.

Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova.

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