Time for more dragvice from Miss C!

Cassie_8433-FINALHello, my lovelies. Just FYI, my birthday is next week (Feb. 27!) — Pisces in tha house, and I guess I need to come to terms with the fact that I am getting old. It’s a bitch. My laugh lines are becoming laugh canyons. My metabolism is slowing to a turtle pace, and all I ever want to do is take a nap. People say you are only as old as you feel. Well I have days when I feel 25, then I have days when I feel 85.

I miss the days of going out, dancing and drinking and still getting up early and having a productive day. Not anymore. Now, if I overindulge too much with the drinking, I am worthless the next day. For every hour of fun, I now need a day to recover. It’s just not worth it.

On the upside, I have never been happier with who I am or with life in general. I find myself taking life as it comes and enjoying the moments more. Youth really is wasted on the young. Those ungrateful fuckers.

It has come to my attention recently that I have been neglecting my duties of having an “advice” column. Well the truth, is I don’t get as many questions as I once did.
Apparently I have solved all of your problems and you no longer need me in that capacity. Just kidding, I still get people asking for advice every once in a while, so I will get back to my roots and help my peoples. So you asked for it.

Dear Cassie,
I have had some really bad experiences with past relationships. Six months ago, I met what seems like a really great guy! He accepts me and really cares about me. We have really bonded, but I have been offered a tremendous promotion in a new city. So you can imagine how awkward this makes me feel. Should I stay or should I go? Reminds me of that song. Thanks, TCG.

Dearest TCG,
I would say to follow your heart and do what you feel is right but your wording, “what seems like a really great guy” makes me think you are not sure about him. I understand that past relationships seem to have made you jaded or weary of this new guy but you need to do what is right for you. Long distance relationships can work but only if the feelings are there on both sides. I need more information before I can give you a legitimate answer. Are you in love? Do you get butterflies? Is he worth the effort or are you using him as an excuse not to jump on this great opportunity with your job? Life is not always a romantic comedy, sometimes you have to move on and hope that the relationship follows. Good luck, Cassie.

Dear Miss Nova,
I have always considered myself to be an ally. I know that I have made mistakes along the way, but I have always tried to learn from them and to push myself and other allies to do better. Recently I had a conversation with a friend of mine about allies. The topic came up of what made someone an ally, and what made someone a bad ally. We couldn’t come to an agreement, so I thought I’d ask you. What makes someone an ally? What makes someone a bad ally? (I know it seems like a bad ally isn’t an ally at all, but that is part of the question, can you be an ally and be a bad one, or does it just make you not an ally at all?) Respectfully, Forrest.

Hey Forrest Hey,
It sounds to me like you and your friend were having a competition to see how many times you could say ally. So now it is my turn. I think an ally is an ally, good or bad. My idea of a bad ally is someone who only aligns themselves with others for personal gain. When you’re talking about straight people being an ally for the gay community it really depends on intent. Many times it is just a matter of educating folks on what is right. In this age of being so completely politically correct, a person’s intent can be overshadowed by their wording. Find out what they truly mean and educate them on what is right and why. Oh yeah, ally, ally, allied ally and ally. Good luck my friend, Cassie.

Miss Nova,
Girl, my husband of four years has decided he wants to try his hand at a cleaning business. He has become very successful and does a magnificent job cleaning other people’s stuff. Meanwhile, meanwhile … did I say meanwhile? …. our place could use the same attention?! I work 50 hours plus at a nonprofit kitchen and work 20 hours part time and he is finally making some coin. Do I steal his money or gag him with a mop? I wanna know! Thank you in advance, Miss Lybarger.

Ok Miss Lybarger,
Calm dafuk down. If he is making good coin maybe you should hire someone to clean your house. I bet he probably knows someone. No one wants to come home from a hard day of working and do what they have been doing all day. Hell, when I get home from a show, the last thing I want to do is be entertaining and charming.

My husband gets asked on the regular, “Is Cassie always fun, I bet she is always a good time.” He tells them point blank, “Nope! At home she is boring as fuck.” I save all my energy and sass for the show.

You did say “our place” so maybe y’all could both clean the place together. Tell him you will do all kinds of nasty stuff to him if he does the dishes or vacuums. Try a little positive reinforcement. It works for training a puppy and most men are at least as smart as a puppy. Good luck! Cassie.

Dear Cassie,
Let me start by saying I love your column! I usually get at least two laugh-out-loud moments and I smile the entire time I’m reading it. We recently moved back to Texas from Minnesota and chose Oak Lawn because to leave a place as blue as Minnesota and move to almost any place in Texas other than here might cause my head to explode! You validate our choice every week.

Have you ever thought about doing a “How to Become a Diva” class for us middle aged white ladies? Every time I get dressed to go someplace special I feel like I could do so much better! Sending love and light your way and fuck those cracker bitches in Walmart and Ted Cruz and Donald Trump… I mean that in the nicest way. Smiles! Suzy.

Dear Crazy Ass Suzy,
Thank you for your kind words, I truly appreciate it. As far as having a class to become a diva, it sounds like you have all the sassiness a diva needs, so you are on your way. I would suggest going to see some of my fabulous make-up artist friends that work at places like Mac or Sephora. Go see Chanel LeMasters, Raquel Blake or Daphne Rio St. James. They do an incredible job of making gals like you look mo fabulous. I would do it but I only have one shade of makeup and that’s whore! So if you wanna look like a hard ass street walker, I’m your guy otherwise go see the real professionals. Good luck!

Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova

If you have a question of comment, email it to AskCassieNova@gmail.com.

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition February 19, 2016.