Cassie gets all real-estate-diva on yo’ asses!

CassieHello my gaybies. My birthday was just a few days ago —Feb. 27. I am now 45. Dammit! I am Forty-Five … like our damn president! One thing I have noticed that has changed about doing drag as I have gotten older is: it takes me forever to learn new music. When I was in my 20s, and well into my 30s, I could hear a song three times and be ready to do it in the show that night. I remember doing “Can’t Get Enough of Your Love” by Taylor Dayne the day that the CD came out (I probably bought it on cassette). I had heard it a few times on the radio and did it in the show that night at Big Daddy’s. Back then, if you didn’t record it off the radio, you didn’t have a copy till the day it dropped in stores (no iTunes!).

Now, even if I love a song, it takes me at least a few weeks before I can comfortably lip-synch it in a show. And that’s if I really like a song! Trying to force myself to like some young-ass song, just to stay relevant, is going to be the death of me. People that come to the shows a lot may see me doing the same song over and over again and I’m like, “Hell, yes, I’m doing that song again! Do you know how long it took me to learn it?” I like so little of today’s music; we need to train the audience to like a wider range of music, but people tend to only respond to songs they know. Trust me, our tips prove that. So as long as my thick girls (Kelly Clarkson, Elle King, Megan Trainor) keep releasing singles, I think I will be OK, because Rhianna and Arianna I ain’t!

Okay and now to help some folks.

Dearest Cassie, My boyfriend and I are considering co-habitating. He lives in a one-bedroom apartment with a blend of Queen Anne and contemporary furniture. I own a one-bedroom unit in a high-rise condo with a stunning view — think glass walls and polished concrete floors. I really love my modern home and my modern furniture. And I really love my boyfriend. Any advice on how to join two households? Do I need to sell my dream home and buy something together to make sure he feels like it’s “our” place? I really love my home, but I do want him to be happy. Signed, Skypad Lover.

Dear Skypad Lover, Gurrrl, this is a tough one. If he loves you, he would never want you to give up your fabulous place. But you love him so you want him to feel at home if he moves in. I say hire a third party interior decorator. Have that person look at all of your stuff and go to your boyfriend’s place and check out everything that he has. Let the decorator come up with a plan that includes both of your things in a fashionable way. Who knows, maybe your styles can go together better than you ever thought. A chocolate/peanut butter situation. Unless you are a control freak like me and can never be happy with anything other than your way.

Living together is a big deal, and you want to make sure that you compromise on the important things and pick your battles. Hopefully you quickly move from calling things “mine” or “his” to “ours.” Good luck, and remember to keep an open mind.

Dear Mrs. Nova, I wanted to tell you about a recent experience I had in the Rose Room … but first let me tell you about me. I am a 37-year-old gay man. I was in a serious car crash seven years ago that almost killed me. I have had 12 surgeries and will never have full use of my legs. I mostly use a wheelchair to get around and I have accepted that. I’ve been to the Rose Room a few times over the past five years because Station 4 has an elevator and I can easily get in and out of the room to watch the show. I have always loved a good drag show.

Two weeks ago, a friend and I went to see the show. I usually wheel up to one of the tables in the back of the room and park it. The show started and you came out funny as ever. You picked on a guy for wearing corduroy and having little hands; you picked on a girl for wearing a dress so short you could read her lips; and then you saw me in my wheelchair. Without missing a beat you called me “Wheels” and told me to roll my ass to the front to get a good seat. Before I could say anything, you got behind me and pushed my chair to the front row, the whole time you were singing “Rollin’ … rollin’ … rollin’ on the river.” You moved a chair and told my friend to come sit with me. There was a bit of nervous laughter from the crowd but I was loving it. Many times I feel invisible when I am out, or even worse, I get those looks of pity that make me want to punch someone.

I just wanted to say thank you. You made me feel included. I haven’t felt that in a while. My friends and I joke that being in a wheelchair may get you good parking but that was the first time it got us front row seats at a drag show. Seriously, thank you. The show was incredible and I can’t wait to come back. Your fan forever, Wheels.

Dear Wheels, Thank you for your kind words. Sometimes, some of the things I say or do onstage I replay in my head before I go to sleep — whether “was that too much” or “should I tone it down?” I say a lot of awful things and always hope the audience know that these are just jokes and they don’t come from a place of meanness. I will do almost anything for a laugh and I want everyone to have fun. I’m glad you wrote me and you are welcome back anytime you want. Let this be a lesson to you all. I will pick on anyone if it’s funny. I pride myself on knowing who can handle a joke and who is going to get pissed off or hurt. I figure if I make fun of my terrible self as much as I make fun of others, people will see it is all in good fun. I’m glad you felt included. That is one of my favorite things about my job. Thank you, Cassie.

Cassie, who let the dogs out? LBJ

Well LBJ, If you are referring to the song, it was the Baha Men. If you are referring to my house, it is mostly me, sometimes my husband. Thanks for the question… I guess. Cassie.

Dear Cassie, Would you put me in drag and treat me like a bitch?

Dear Anonymous, You would be surprised how often I or my fellow drag queens get asked this question. There are a lot of you freaky bastards out there. My answer is absolutely. I will do it for the low, low price of $1 million. I’m sure my husband would let me for that amount. Hell, he might even join in, but that will cost extra. Let me know if that price is OK, because now that the public knows my price I will probably be booked up soon. Cassie.

Remember to love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova.            

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This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition MARCH 3, 2017.