Foul ball! Cassie’s abortive film career

Cassie_8433-FINAL What’s up everybody? Did you know I was almost a movie star? About five years ago, this lady came into the Rose Room and told me

I would be perfect for a movie that she had written and was about to start shooting. She said it was just a small part and would only take a few hours of my time to do the scene. I thought, “Oh my god! My big break! I’z gonna be a movie star!” I of course said, “Hells yeah!” I was so excited.

A week later, I was at the table-read of the script. The story was about this guy who worked for a show similar to Cheaters called Busted, which made him not trust his girlfriend because every day he was witness to people cheating. The script was actually funny and kind of sweet. I had high hopes.

I should have known what I was in for when I found out one of the stars of the film was the guy who played Bernie Lomax in the 1989 classic Weekend At Bernie’s. Yes, the dead guy.

My scene I was in a motel room with a guy who was cheating on his wife with a big ol’ drag queen. Guess who played that part? The movie opened with me in high whore drag on my knees in front of a kinda-hunky guy sitting on the bed in his underwear. When she yelled “Action!” I was supposed to act like I was sucking his dick, then the crew of this show Busted was going to bust into the room to catch us in the act. I then had to jump up, lipstick smeared, and say “What the fuck?” in a very deep voice.

It felt as bad as it sounded. But what was even worse was, that they had us redo the scene over and over again, from three different camera angles. The filmmaker kept yelling, “Back to one,” which meant go back to where you were at the beginning of the scene. For me, that was on my knees with my head buried in this guy’s crotch. Normally, I would not have a problem with that, but this “actor’s” balls stank — like spoiled milk mixed with feet and vinegar. The tang made my eyes tear up. And that bitch just kept yelling, “Back to one!” over and over. Finally, after about the 13th  take, I told the guy to please wash his dick and balls in the sink or I was gonna throw up. It didn’t help; his undies were tainted with the stench. Being the consummate professional, I continued to act like I was not about to vomit. When the director finally yelled “cut” for the last time, I ran out of the room, thankful for the fresh air. That was seriously the longest 10 hours of my life … yes, 10 freaking hours for that short scene.

It took almost a year before I heard anything about the film. Finally the writer/director chick called and invited me to a screening.

She had rented out a theatre at the Magnolia so it felt legit. The movie was horrible. You could see the boom mike in most of the scenes, the jokes didn’t translate and worst of all, I looked huge! That was my fault. I am thick! I was really disappointed and secretly hoped no one would ever see it.

Well, I got my wish. A week after the screening, I couldn’t find any info about the movie online or anywhere. Even the website she made for the film was gone. Kinda sad really, that I had to endure that guy’s stinky crotch for nothing. I saw that actor a few years ago on an episode of a short-lived TV series filmed in Dallas called Chase. He played a slacker guy playing a video game, and all I could think was, foul balls!

 

Now on to your problems.

Dear Cassie, If you’re a top and you’re on a date at dinner and you know you want some booty later, how do you politely tell that bottom not to eat too much because you want to hit it later? Brian.

Dearest Brian, Disclaimer! Anal sex talk ahead! If you don’t want to read about the ins and outs of butt sex, skip to the next question now. OK. Now Brian, you might try the very forward approach and say something like, “Don’t eat too much cuz I plan on getting’ all up in yo’ guts!” Either he will be slightly turned on by your aggressiveness or he will punch you. That’s a risk-versus-reward situation.

Also, don’t take him to a Mexican or Indian restaurant.

Seriously though, I think you might be underestimating your date. A good bottom will know his system and how to proceed accordingly. Good luck.

 

Dear Cassie, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 14 years and, as with any relationship, in the beginning we were hot and heavy in the bed. In the last five years, the hot and heavy has turned into a death march to the grave. I’m lucky to get it once every six months. I’m predominately the top and have always been the one to initiate. I’m tired of having to be the one to kick things off, but if I don’t, it doesn’t happen. He is five years older and we are not kids anymore but I’m still horny! Do I just grow old and give up? Do I purchase a subscription to Guys Next Door and enjoy my life alone? I’m so sexually and emotionally frustrated it’s making me crazy. I try to talk to him about it. And he acts like it’s the first time he’s heard of it every time. We have the same conversation every year. I’m going crazy!! Any advice? Signed, Still in love, but horny as hell!

Dear Horny in love, This is a common problem in long-term relationships. Let him know that intimacy is important to you. It helps reinforce the bonds of your love. After you’ve been with someone for a long while, it is way too easy to become complacent and fall into a comfortable routine. But sex is still important. You need it to feel wanted and fulfilled. You might try a scheduled monthly date.

Let’s say the 13th of every month is sex night. No exceptions. Make him promise to commit to this plan because it is important to you.

It might take away the spontaneity but you will be glad when it happens. Plus, by knowing the date well in advance your partner can plan accordingly (see the answer to the question above). Start the night with a bottle of wine — a little liquor will make them legs spread quicker.

Your partner might also have low testosterone levels that can really reduce your sex drive. Trust me, I speak from experience. Raise his testosterone level, raise his sex drive, everybody wins. Relationships should always be a work in progress. Good luck in the bedroom! Damn, I feel like Dr. Ruth! Cassie.

My dreams of being a movie star, even if it is only a tiny part, have not faded … but more on that at another time.

Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous. XOXO, Cassie Nova.

If you have a question and want to suggest for Ask a Drag Queen — or just have some juicy gossip to share — email it to AskCassieNova@gmail.com.

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition March 6, 2015.